Overcoming Self-Criticism

Self-criticism is a common struggle, but you can learn to get control of it and even overcome it completely over time. If you’re struggling with how to handle self-critical thoughts and feelings, here are a few ideas to help you get unstuck.

1. Be curious and friendly towards the self-critical voices in your head.

Start noticing the ways that self-criticism shows up in your mind, maybe making note of it in a journal and saying, "hello inner critic!" in a friendly way. Being friendly helps overcome the double burden of being self-critical and being critical about the fact that we’re so critical of ourselves. It also helps create some distance and space needed to really see what is happening and start making a change.

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Make some notes about what critical messages you are receiving to start learning what your unique self-critical patterns might be.

Remember to pay attention to subtle negative emotional states, e.g., a wave of shame or fear might be connected to self-criticism that thinks you’ve made a terrible mistake. Sometimes our self-criticism shows up more in how we feel (e.g., ashamed of ourselves) rather than a specific set of critical thoughts in our minds.

2. Say “Thanks, but no thanks” to your critical thinking.

When you notice self-criticism, see if you can thank this part of you for trying to help but also be clear that it is not helpful. Like a well-meaning family member trying to help you do a household task but actually makes it harder or takes longer, sometimes our self-criticism is well-intended but hopelessly misguided. Be friendly but firm and send a "thanks, but no thanks" message.

You might want to reflect on how or why this self-criticism is trying to help. Maybe you learned that the only way to be loved is to be perfect, so you try to “shape up” with self-critical prods and nudges. This is understandable but also inaccurate. You need to gently teach yourself different rules over time, such as the belief that you are worthy of love even when you make mistakes or fall “short” of perfection.

3. Start to generate new ways of thinking to counter the old self-critical patterns.

Now is the time to begin generating a new and more helpful way of thinking. It is time to consciously reconsider the self-critical assumptions you are carrying around and come up with some new ideas. It is often useful to do some reading or talk to other people to get ideas for a healthier way of thinking.

If you know people who don’t seem to grapple with self-criticism, you might ask them how they think about their difficulties. Doing this kind of informal poll can illuminate and open our eyes to new ways of thinking.

Here are a few ideas to get you started:

• Instead of criticizing anything short of perfection, you might remind yourself "My goal is produce quality work, not perfect work."
• Instead of getting down on yourself about a difficulty, you might remind yourself “Every human has foibles, and I’m no different.”
• Instead of criticizing one of your personal qualities (e.g., something about your appearance you don’t like), ask yourself “who seems to be well-loved, successful, or happy, even with this quality?” This can be a good reminder that people tend not to be judged on the basis of one single quality. You might even consider how this quality could be an asset in disguise or the shadow side of personal strength.

Everyone’s self-criticism shows up uniquely, so these are just starting points to get some creative ideas flowing. Remember that you don’t have to be controlled by self-critical thinking, and over time you can learn a more healthy and helpful way of relating to yourself. It may feel far away and take some time, but it’s a worthy endeavor that can pay off dividends in your long-term well-being.