Verified by 
Relationships
Trickle-Down Effects of Biases and Relationship Expectations
A paradigm to managing your biases and expanding your potential
Posted August 11, 2019
Every day, millions of people leverage relationships to unify teams, networks, and partnerships across the globe. However, many of these relationships are built upon a shared interest and commonalities that can create barriers and perpetuate biases. What if you were able to better identify the biases behind why you chose to establish the relationship in the first place, and why your expectations of the relationship may be unrealistic and hindering your potential?
We all know looks can be deceiving, but we continue the proverbial practice of building relationships with those who, at a glance, suit our expectations, which are convoluted with our unconscious and conscious biases. After leading, teaching, and studying a bricolage of research and theories on what intrinsically motivates us to be selective in building relationships, there is one aspect that continually manifests—we place a certain value/worth on those with whom we build relationships. Whether a relationship gives us a sense of belonging, makes us feel special, improves our lifestyle, or protects our insecurities, we assign value to the relationship intentionally or inadvertently.
Have you ever skipped an email from a colleague based on the sender? If so, you may have assigned value to that relationship based on your priorities and biases. There is nothing wrong with preferences and prioritizing. The problem resides in our inability to understand our reasoning behind assigning values to different people. This is where biases live and thrive, compromising our expectations of relationships in ways that keep us from genuinely connecting with others, which prevent organizations from benefiting from relationships that are critical for optimum success.
When stereotypical biases become the nexus of why we treat individuals a certain way, we are creating unrealistic expectations in a relationship and framing unhealthy biases in our decision-making. For example, have you ever seen an individual share a good idea, but it is ignored until someone perceived to be more intelligent mentions it? That is because biases are influencing the values and expectations that are being assigned to each individual.
You may be thinking, what if I am successful with the habits I have already developed? Why should I reexamine how I handle relationships? The simple answer is, you are missing so much more and sabotaging your potential. Every time you intentionally or inadvertently assign a value based on a bias, you could be decreasing the level of transparency in that relationship, which limits your opportunities of learning and restricts your ability to build relationships and explore new ideas. Nonetheless, it is entirely up to you to extract the unhealthy biases that influence your expectations of people and relationships. Here are some tips that may help you figuratively “recalibrate” the lenses you utilize every day to manage the expectations in your relationships.
1. Self-reflection is key. It is not about changing who you are but identifying unhealthy biases in your actions and tracing the issue from there, but this requires self-reflection. For example, a football coach will spend time analyzing previous games to identify gaps and disparities in how the plays are executed to prepare for the next game. Self-reflection is that “mental video” you must review to identify your biases and investigate how they are influencing your actions and expectations of the relationship. This may be an uncomfortable and challenging task, but it will be a worthwhile investment in your personal growth.
2. After reflecting on your actions and identifying your biases, have the courage to correct your behavior. This is difficult for some, especially if the biases have not (yet) caused adverse impacts or career-ending decisions. When you become comfortable with your biases, you hinder your ability to expand relationships, which will eventually affect your overall potential. For example, if you are naturally comfortable with relationship X, it may be comprised of characteristics and traits you would assign the highest value. Once you engage someone who does not fit in this category, you quickly assign an expectation based on those missing characteristics/traits. As your desire in the relationship shifts, you have potentially missed learning the value of other characteristics and traits that may open the door to new experiences; this significantly limits your growth and potential.
3. Not everyone automatically wants to engage with people who do not seem to align with their expectations, but this is the 21st Century, so get uncomfortable and let the learning begin. Have the courage to build a relationship with a colleague who is outside of your social group, and train your mind to seek out the positive in that relationship. Often when we attempt to establish rapport with someone outside of our social group, we amplify the negative to justify why we are not giving a person the same respect we would normally give to someone we perceive as more valuable.
4. Seek informal interaction outside of the work environment. Work environments can be formal and often stiffen the dialogue between you and those outside your social group. Inviting associates out to lunch, dinner, or perhaps meeting for an activity outside of work that you both enjoy will allow you to find commonalities, increase the level of trust and discredit some of your negative biases.
5. See the individual and not the group. Avoid assigning expectations of a person based on the social group from which they originate. How often has a new colleague been assessed according to gender, ethnicity, age, or schools they attended? Get to know the person and then reflect on why you might feel a certain way.
Finally, be patient in the learning process. Metaphorically, many will have muscle atrophy in this area. As you begin to learn more about how your biases can affect your expectations, do not overwhelm yourself by trying to change overnight. Mental maintenance requires time, diligence, and devotion as you refine your thought process.
