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Can you stop whatever you are thinking about at any moment?
I’ve always assumed that I had a choice to think about what I wanted and when. I assumed I could stop at will. Now I’m having doubts about whether that’s true. What I don’t doubt is that something different is happening recently in my thinking processes. I feel confident this change is related to the pandemic and its upsetting impact on the patterns of our lives.
If it were only the pandemic I had to address, I sense I would have a response founded on my values. I believe in the goodness of people who are willing to sacrifice to help those in need. I believe in the authentic science needed to find a biochemical solution to this biochemical problem. I believe that together we can and will get past our current global challenge.
In other words, my thoughts would be guided by genuine hope. I would inquire about what role I could best serve, reflect on the beauty of national cooperation in a crisis, and appreciate how our diversity provides help in so many forms as we focus on a common goal that connects us. I would have many positive thoughts to keep me uplifted even in full awareness of the horrors of those suffering. I sense I could balance my emotions and my rational decisions by stopping thoughts that are not in alignment with my valued intentions.
The problem, however, is that my mind is attending not only to the virus and those most impacted but to humans in positions of authority who appear determined to divide us as a nation in as many ways as possible, lest we actually behave as a united people. Why would anyone want to be other than together, in purpose, if not proximity, in this health crisis? I suggest it is because they are deeply afraid of something that togetherness seems to threaten.
Here are examples of how my thinking has been bouncing around me rather than connecting to a deep stillness within me.
- I get confused about how to adapt because uncertainty is introduced, then varied, then retracted, then restated, always floating, never well-directed, and seldom substantiated by facts.
- I get overwhelmed with grief at the depth and variations of suffering so many are going through.
- I get exhausted trying to sort out truth from fraudulent manipulation. I don’t know how to make honest decisions while being presented with dishonest information.
I have difficulty stopping how my thoughts are bouncing around since this recent sudden shift of my basic framework of mental organization. I am naturally driven to a focused inquiry. I naturally want to solve problems, find creative answers, and move forward. I can’t understand why so many serious matters unrelated to the pandemic seem to be happening now—for example, why is the U.S. Postal Service threatened at a time when it can be so essential for uninterrupted communication among family, friends, and businesses who don’t have network services? Are politically driven maneuvers using the pandemic to hide behind? Are the maneuvers designed to distract us from the severity of mishandling the health care needs of so many U.S. inhabitants?
I am weary of the ambiguity. I know that ambiguity can accompany flexibility that is important to maintain while genuine exploration is in progress. I think it’s a specific ambiguity I am weary of: the ambiguity of intentions. I’m weary of wondering if the intention of a person is lies or truth, greed or generosity, division or unification, exclusion or inclusion, etc. Am I mistaken that there was ever a concept of “trust of honest intentions for the good of the whole”?
So in these times, I’ve decided a very important thing I can do is practice stopping! That is, I am purposely, at random, stopping whatever I’m thinking about at that moment. The method is a common part of meditation/mindfulness practices, so in-depth resources are widely available. For this discussion, I begin my stopping by turning attention to my breathing. Breathing can only happen in the present moment.
Attending to one’s breathing brings awareness to one’s immediate physical sensation of aliveness. It can shift the awareness of thoughts in order to give the mind a rest. It can allow time for creative solutions to find their way into consciousness. It can interrupt overwhelming emotions to allow them the means to dissipate and relax. It can free up inherent wisdom to balance mind and emotions so they can cooperate with coherence.
Conscious breathing can turn my awareness to the wholeness of who I am and what I value. It’s as if the source of the breath connects to the source of everything that exists. As my lungs expand, my perspective seems to expand as well. I am reminded that within myself, I can be still and touch truth, be still and touch calmness, be still and touch goodness, humility, compassion, and, most of all, be still and touch love.
Stopping is not necessarily an easy action to take. Repetitive practice is often necessary. It is essential not to self-blame if one’s attention drifts away from the breath and back to a busy mind. Returning to the breath after drifting away is part of the practice. This is not about trying to destroy the mind, but about attempting to cooperate in a conscious relationship with a deeper awareness.
Part of my adaptation to our current crisis is learning to stop being in an unhealthy state of distress and start being in a state of calm. Being calm in no way implies I do not care about others. On the contrary, I intuit being calm as a prerequisite to heartfelt service. It is a time to allow compassion to visit my heart and inspired action to manifest in my mind. It is a time to remind myself that though little seems easy to do during this pandemic, there is something very important I can learn to be.
© Betty Luceigh, May 2020
