How Your Trauma Can Affect Your Sex Life

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Sexual identity encompasses an individual's understanding of who they are as a sexual being and their romantic or sexual attraction toward others. When trauma is experienced during the developmental years, it can greatly impact our identity, including how we view ourselves in the world and how we feel about ourselves as a sexual person and intimate partner.

Childhood is a crucial time for developing both personal and sexual identity, both of which set the stage for future emotional and relational patterns (Branje et al., 2021). Ideally, we enter young adulthood with a basic understanding of who we are as an individual and as a sexual being. But for those who have experienced trauma during these young years, it can impact their development of and relationship to sex and their own sexuality.

Trauma Creates Stress That Affects Sexual Development

Sexual development theories, including Freud’s psychosexual stages and Erikson’s psychosocial development, offer insights into how trauma can interfere with both identity and sexual development for survivors (Lantz & Ray, 2022; Orenstein & Lewis, 2022). Chronic stress from childhood trauma can actually dysregulate brain neurotransmitters such as serotonin and dopamine, which are both essential for mood regulation, as well as our ability to experience pleasure (Mate, 2000). Trauma can also affect brain structures involved in emotional regulation, such as the amygdala and hippocampus, which play crucial roles in processing and managing emotions (Driessen et al., 2024). As a result, development of a healthy sexual identity is often affected when individuals experience trauma.

Impact of Trauma on Sex and Sexuality Development

Experiences of trauma lead to a disruption of safety and trust, which are essential for healthy sexual and emotional connections. Trauma experienced during developmental years can distort self-concept and leave survivors with persistent feelings of shame or guilt, which inhibit sexual self-acceptance, self-worth, and identity (Maltz, 2002). While there is likely an endless list of the ways that trauma can impact survivors, I find that, for many survivors, experiences of childhood trauma impact the development of a healthy sexual identity, which can, in turn, affect the sexual response cycle.

1. Challenges with sexual identity: When we experience abuse, shaming, and other traumatic experiences from our caregivers, this can greatly impact our identity development—especially if the abuse or shame targets our sexuality or sexual identity.

Families or cultures that stigmatize non-heteronormative sexualities or view sexual activity strictly through the lens of traditional roles often exacerbate trauma for LGBTQ+ individuals, women, and other marginalized groups. It can also lead to heightened feelings of isolation, especially for those who grow up without support. The fear of being judged or invalidated by healthcare providers, family members, or peers can also increase feelings of isolation and hinder development of healthy self-acceptance of one’s sexuality and sexual development.

Trauma can lead to an internalized shame or guilt about one’s sexual identity, causing survivors to struggle with self-acceptance (Truskauskaite-Kuneviciene et al., 2020). Survivors may struggle with accepting their sexual orientation or desires, viewing them through a lens of self-blame or inadequacy. For instance, those who have endured abuse related to their identity may struggle with self-acceptance and find it challenging to feel comfortable with themselves both as partners and as sexual individuals.

Jordan’s experience is a common example of this:

Jordan experienced emotional and physical abuse from her caregivers during her childhood. Her trauma escalated when she came out as gay at age 15 and was kicked out of the family home. Raised in a strict religious family, she was taught from a young age that being gay was sinful, and being abandoned at a young age reinforced the message that she was wrong or defective somehow.

This internalized shame led to confusion and discomfort with her sexuality. Despite her identification as a gay woman, Jordan struggled to feel comfortable with her sexuality and reported feeling shame and embarrassment around dating—and being sexual with—other women.

Jordan often questioned her worthiness of love and acceptance, leading to feelings of panic or anxiety when her wife was not interested in sexual intimacy. The trauma had left her with deep-seated feelings of inadequacy, which greatly impacted her ability to develop a positive sense of self in relation to her sexuality. She took any rejection as proof that she was unworthy and about to be abandoned.

Like Jordan, trauma may distort a survivor’s understanding of healthy relationships, leading to difficulties with trust, vulnerability, and maintaining healthy sexual boundaries with partners. Jordan perceived her wife’s disinterest in sex as a rejection that reinforced her feelings of shame and abandonment. This is common for survivors who learn to base their self-worth on their perceived need for validation from others. Similarly, some individuals may struggle with self-worth issues that affect their ability to assert boundaries or say no during sexual activity (Manukrishnan & Bhagabati, 2023).

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2. Impacts on sexual desire and response: The physiological and psychological impacts of trauma can disrupt the normal sexual response cycle in survivors, making it difficult for survivors to experience sexual excitement. This disruption often leads to problems such as diminished libido or difficulty achieving arousal, which can put a strain on intimate relationships and overall sexual satisfaction.

Physiologically, trauma impacts the body’s stress response systems, particularly the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis, which regulates the release of stress hormones like cortisol (Bremner & Wittbrodt, 2020). Chronic stress can lead to symptoms such as sleep disturbances, fatigue, and weakened immune function, all of which can interfere with sexual desire and performance. Many survivors report that heightened feelings of anxiety, stress, or other trauma-related symptoms make it challenging to connect with their partners emotionally or physically. Some even report feelings of disconnection from sexual feelings and desires.

Consider Michael:

Michael found that the trauma from his childhood abuse still affected him in adulthood, and most importantly with his relationship with his wife. Raised in a home filled with chaos due to his mother’s untreated mental illness, Michael carried around feelings of anxiety and hypervigilance. He found that these feelings increased whenever he felt vulnerable, such as with sexual intimacy. As a result, he began to feel disconnected from his body whenever he was in a sexual situation or even if he tried to think about sexual intimacy.

Despite a loving relationship with his wife, Michael often felt disconnected during intimate moments, struggling with both physical arousal and emotional connection with her. He struggled with setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in their sexual relationship, often feeling conflicted and uncomfortable with physical closeness. This disconnection not only strained their relationship but also led to increased anxiety and frustration for Michael, who felt guilty for not meeting his partner’s needs. This became a cycle, with his heightened stress and feelings of inadequacy around sex further exacerbating his difficulties, making it hard for him to enjoy or even desire sexual intimacy.

Like Jordan and Michael, many survivors report feeling disconnected from their bodies and their desires or feeling anxiety and shame around sexual intimacy—even with those who they love and trust. If you are struggling in the aftermath of trauma, a therapist can help. Check the Psychology Today directory for a therapist who specializes in trauma and sexual identity.