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Do you fantasize about sex?
Some people fantasize about sex frequently, while others fantasize about it only rarely, but most people have sexual fantasies. I sometimes say, half-jokingly, that we have a brain, so we fantasize, and those who deny that they fantasize about sex probably lie about it.
On a more serious note, while running studies, I often ask participants in these studies to describe their fantasies. Few of them claim that they do not experience sexual fantasies. However, frequently these people simply do not know what the term “sexual fantasies” means. When they are well-informed about the meaning of fantasizing, they realize that they do experience such fantasies.
Sexual fantasies, unlike erotic dreams, occur during waking hours, and therefore are also called “sexual daydreams.” When we refer to sexual fantasies, we include any mental imagery that is sexually arousing to the individual. Sexual fantasies can be intricate stories or fleeting thoughts of sexual or romantic interactions. Fantasies can be realistic and involve memories of past encounters or completely imaginary experiences.
Overall, sexual fantasies are one of the manifestations of sexual desire. They are stories that we tell ourselves when we are sexually aroused or when we wish to intensify sexual gratification. These stories may be quite revealing if you give them a thorough examination. Consider the following fantasy, one of the many that emerged in my lab (I slightly changed the fantasy to protect the fantasizers’ confidentiality):
“I’m sitting at the library next to a beautiful woman. As her eyes meet mine, I realize that she is taking my pants off under the table. I’m having a great time until the librarian suddenly shows up to see where the noises are coming from. The librarian stares at me harshly and then, without saying anything, she joins the ‘party.’ I’m sure it’s the best sex they have ever had. After a while, they both freeze in fear. I’m turning my head just to realize that my girlfriend is watching us. I guess that the party is over.”
What does this fantasy tell you about the fantasizer and his motives, except that, at least for a moment, he was the undeniable king of the library? Surely reading this fantasy arouses many questions, such as why this person fantasized about this specific fantasy. Was he trying to escape his current relationship by experiencing a sense of conquering? Was he striving to maintain sexual desire during sex with his partner by indulging himself in a forbidden (and therefore exciting) scenario?
Another question that you may ask yourself concerns the characteristics of the fantasizer. What dispositions made him more inclined to experience such a fantasy? Is he a sensation seeker who needs to live on the edge? Or is he an introvert who compensates for his real-world shyness through experiencing risky sexual interactions in the fantasy realm?
Before answering such questions, you need to understand more in-depth the nature of sexual fantasies and what makes them unique compared to other expressions of sexual desire, such as masturbation or engagement in sexual intercourse. Sexual fantasies exist in a private and unconstrained world of your own making. You are the narrator and curator of your fantasies, producing them while ignoring any restrictions imposed by social norms or concerns about reality. As such, your fantasies may provide a window through which to view your innermost desires and preferences; desires that you do not necessarily wish to act out in real life. Your fantasies are not isolated in the bubble of your mind, though. The quality of your interactions with partners can affect their content and frequency.
In the next posts, I will present my broader take on sexual fantasies and answer the questions I raised here (Read more here and here).
See my TEDx talk on why humans make sex so complicated here.
References
1. Birnbaum, G. E. (2007). Beyond the borders of reality: Attachment orientations and sexual fantasies. Personal Relationships, 14, 321-342.
2. Birnbaum, G. E., Kanat-Maymon, Y., Mizrahi, M., Recanati, M., & Orr, R. (2019). What fantasies can do to your relationship: The effects of sexual fantasies on couple interactions. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 45(3), 461-476.
3. Birnbaum, G. E., Mikulincer, M., & Gillath, O. (2011). In and out of a daydream: Attachment orientations, daily relationship quality, and sexual fantasies. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 37, 1398-1410.
4. Birnbaum, G. E., Simpson, J. A., Weisberg, Y. J., Barnea, E., & Assulin-Simhon, Z. (2012). Is it my overactive imagination? The effects of contextually activated attachment insecurity on sexual fantasies. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 29, 1131–1152.
5. Birnbaum, G. E., Svitelman, N., Bar-Shalom, A., & Porat, O. (2008). The thin line between reality and imagination: Attachment orientations and the effects of relationship threats on sexual fantasies. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 34, 1185-1199.
