How Does Your Personality Affect What You Fantasize About?

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If you truly wish to understand the role played by fantasies in people’s lives, you should take into account not only their context but also the characteristics of the person who experiences them. Consider the following two fantasies:

• “I meet a stranger in a pub. We get tipsy and we end up in her nearby motel room. Without saying much, I undress myself and then take off her dress. We have wild, animalistic sex. I lie there, naked for several minutes. I can’t imagine myself waking up in this bed in the morning, so I call a cab and leave.”
• “I am watching an episode of ‘Game of Thrones’ in my hotel room, and a sexy housekeeper enters my room, beginning to clean it with her back to me. Without turning her head, she asks me seductively: ‘Would you like me to take care of you too?’ I take the hint, get up from the couch, grab her, and throw her into bed. I tie her to the bedpost and we have sex. Then, I release her from her shackles, make a gesture toward the door, and continue watching ‘Game of Thrones.’”

Some fantasies seem different on the surface, but they share a similar meaning. In the example above, the same person reported both fantasies, reflecting his tendency to maintain distance in his relationships. In both fantasies, you read about a scenario that involves emotionless sex with a stranger. The focus is an isolated sexual act. There is no description of relational context. There is no past, no future. The fantasizer objectifies and dehumanizes his partners, ignoring their desires as though they do not exist or are not important. In this way, what is considered by many people to be the most intimate act comes across as technical and cold. The fantasizer desires sexual release and loses all interest in his partners as soon as he gets what he wants.

Equally possible is that a similar fantasy has a different meaning for different people, depending on who the fantasizer is and what motivates that person. The following prevalent submission fantasy illustrates this point:

“She blindfolded me, and tied me with ropes to the bed, leaving me completely helpless. She was totally in charge and made me a slave of her desires.”

For those who suffer from performance anxiety, this fantasy may reflect the desire to lose control and be relieved from the pressure to perform during sexual activity. At the same time, for those who tend to be clingy in their closest relationships, this fantasy may manifest the need to be taken care of by someone who is “stronger and wiser.” Knowing which personality traits go hand in hand with specific fantasy themes helps elucidate the meaning of fantasies, shedding light on why people frequently fantasize about certain themes while only rarely fantasizing about others.

Personality traits affect how we interact with those around us, and therefore may influence our imaginary interactions as well. People with specific personality traits are indeed more likely to fantasize about themes that fit with the needs that come with their personality and are less likely to fantasize about themes that do not serve these needs. For example, neurotic people have a tendency to easily experience negative feelings like anxiety and anger. They therefore use their fantasies as a source of solace, fantasizing about themes of romance that allow them to relax. Because they react to stress more negatively than most people, they are also less likely to pursue in their fantasies adventurous sex that involves orgies or trying new things. Apparently, the uncertainty inherent in experimentation is more stressful than enjoyable for them.

Agreeable people, by comparison, focus on expressing their care for others. Even in their fantasies, they make sure that the sexual encounter is consensual and that their partners enjoy themselves. For this reason, they are less likely to fantasize about scenarios such as emotionless sex and BDSM, in which they cannot ensure that their partners delight in the activity. Unlike agreeable people, those with psychopathic tendencies engage in sexual fantasies about impersonal and sadomasochistic themes that reflect their opportunistic and antisocial nature.

Fantasmatic self-portrait

Source: Samarel - Erotic art & portraits/Gurit Birnbaum's album

Attachment Styles and Sexual Fantasies

Another trait that is especially relevant to the realm of sexual fantasies is the extent to which people feel insecure in their close relationships. Feeling insecure about being loved may be fueled by either worries about abandonment (having a highly anxious attachment style) or by discomfort with emotional closeness (having a highly avoidant attachment style). Regardless of their source, insecurities determine the desired levels of intimacy and interdependence with romantic partners. And so, these insecurities are likely to shape what people want out of sexual encounters and how they get their needs met (Read more here).

People with attachment anxiety worry that their partner will abandon them and thus need much reassurance that they are loved. To reduce their anxiety, they often use sex as a route for seeking closeness to partners. For the same reason, they think about sex more frequently than others. But what exactly do they think about? As you can expect, they fantasize about romance, which helps them feel reassured about being wanted. They also tend to experience submission fantasies in which they are passive and helpless. In these fantasies, others cannot resist overtaking them, making them feel extremely desirable.

The following scenario illustrates a typical fantasy of an anxiously attached person:

“I get home from the gym. John smiles at me, saying, ‘Here is the sexiest woman on earth!’ Without further ado, he picks me up, throws me onto the bed, and ties me to the bedposts. I feel completely possessed and helpless against his force. We have mind-blowing sex. He tells me that I am the love of his life and we fall asleep in each other's arms.”

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In this fantasy, the fantasizer wishes to feel the power of her partner over her, which paradoxically demonstrates her own power over him. The fantasizer feels safe enough to allow herself to lose control and be entirely in his hands. At the same time, she feels irresistibly desired by her partner who cannot control his urges, succumbing to her charms. In such a manner, this fantasy meets anxiously attached people’s deepest needs to be contained and nurtured by a strong, adoring, and loving caregiver with whom they can experience the ultimate merger.

People with attachment avoidance pursue emotional distance and self-reliance in close relationships. This detached stance spills over into their fantasy life, in which they experience interpersonal distance, aggressiveness, and conquest themes that bolster their self-esteem. As you can see in the illustrating fantasy below, such fantasies are devoid of emotional intimacy and often revolve around the feeling, “I rule the world and can do whatever I want.”

“I am sitting beside the pool surrounded by a bunch of men. I control them all, and they listen to my instructions. I tell them what to do and who to be with. Two guys and a girl pamper me, giving me a multiple hand massages. This inspires me to let myself climax as many times as possible and decide which of these people will be allowed to climax and which will not.”

See my TEDx talk on why humans make sex so complicated here.