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Key points
- When the heart breaks from betrayal, the challenge is to find a way to be with the full range of our feelings that we notice inside.
- It's natural to want to blame the betrayer, but we can grow when we explore if we contributed to the betrayal.
- Anger and rage are understandable aspects of healing, yet it's essential to move beyond that if we want to heal and grow.
Infidelity, deception, broken promises. Being human means facing the pain of betrayal. Our challenge is: how can we face this most difficult aspect of the human condition without succumbing to cynicism and despair?
Whether a betrayal happened recently or years ago, we need to find a path toward healing.
Here are some suggestions for moving forward in our lives after a life-changing betrayal. Many of these suggestions are elaborated in my book, Love & Betrayal: Broken Trust in Intimacy Relationships.
Letting Go of Blame and Judgment
It’s natural to blame and judge someone for having broken our hearts. Blaming others is a protective way to avoid blaming ourselves when a relationship goes awry. It can be a way to avoid responsibility for our part of a troubled relationship. But blaming ourselves or others doesn’t help us heal. It just keeps us spinning our wheels rather than healing.
Some betrayals, such as infidelity, come out of the blue. We assumed everything was fine, but our partner was dissatisfied or not as committed as we thought. Our sense of reality becomes brutally undermined when we discover that our partner has strayed into the arms of another, whether their heart was captured or it was just about sex.
It takes great courage to consider the possibility that we may have contributed to a climate ripe for betrayal. Perhaps we didn’t listen well when our partner expressed their feelings or concerns.
We might have minimized our partner’s feelings when they tried to tell us they weren’t feeling heard or appreciated. Perhaps it was too upsetting to hear that we hurt someone we love, so we tuned out their verbal or non-verbal expressions of discontent.
It is crucially important not to blame ourselves for these common human shortcomings. And whatever blind spots we might have had, don't excuse our partner for acting out their feelings by having an affair. Perhaps they could have expressed their feelings and needs more strongly or less critically, insisted on seeing a couples therapist, or been clearer about how unhappy they were.
It doesn't serve us to stay stuck in blaming and accusing. If we want to repair broken trust, it serves us to take responsibility for any part we may have played that led to a betrayal, however small it might be. Even if we just want to move on with our lives rather than try to repair the relationship, it might still be instructive to explore if there was some way we contributed to a climate that led to betrayal.
Blaming and accusing are common stages in the healing process. It can be one way to vent our anger and convey our viewpoint that our partner or friend did something destructive. Indeed, it’s vital that our partner “gets” that they did something hurtful if they hope to repair trust. But if we get stuck in the anger and blaming stage of the healing process, we’re less inclined to heal our betrayal wounds.
Befriending Our Pain
It’s natural when we feel betrayed to express our pain through blaming and accusing. But at some point in our healing journey—especially if we want to repair broken trust, we need to be willing to face our pain directly, without (or with less) of the contaminating effects of blaming and shaming our partner. Such reactions are likely to make them defensive and push them away rather than be able to soften, hear our pain, and take responsibility for their actions.
Whether we want to repair broken trust or part ways with a person who hurt us, our healing is furthered as we find a way to gently hold the hurting places within ourselves. Unfortunately, our society teaches us that pain is something to avoid rather than embrace without getting lost in it.
A betrayal may reactivate old traumas that we still carry inside. Having experienced old hurts without the skills and support to deal with our pain may have conditioned us to push painful and difficult feelings away.
An essential part of our healing and growth is learning to be with our feelings in a “caring, feeling way,” as focusing teachers Edwin McMahon and Peter Campbell put it.
When our heart breaks open from a betrayal, our sacred challenge is to find a way to be with the full range of our feelings that we notice inside us—the rage, the shame, the hurt—and allow ourselves to feel them in a way where we’re neither too close to them nor too far away—nether merged with our feelings nor dissociated from them. We heal and learn about ourselves as we find our way toward embracing difficult feelings and hearing what they may be trying to tell us.
A major betrayal is traumatic. It is a time when we need wise and compassionate support. Talking openly with trusted friends can help us feel less alone. But be aware that while friends may offer support and love, they may not offer the best advice, especially if they have not dealt with their own pain in a skillful way.
Your betrayal may trigger their rage and blame, which they haven’t healed from. Combining speaking with trusted friends and working with a therapist skilled in dealing with trauma may help us heal, learn lessons, and move forward positively, whether or not we stay with a partner.
It can be a long and winding journey, but yes, there is life after betrayal. Most importantly, be gentle and patient with your process and give yourself whatever time you need to heal. This is a time when self-love is most vital.
© John Amodeo
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
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