How Control Over Others Can Be a Dangerous Behavior

A prominent personality characteristic of people who commit serious crimes is that they are determined to control other people. Their self-esteem depends upon it. Some are obvious about their quest for control because they bully and threaten. Others smoothly insinuate themselves into the lives of those whom they consider useful to them. They maneuver so deftly that their motives remain hidden.

Exercising control over people is neither good nor bad. The question is how one pursues and exercises it. Some roles in life, by their very nature, require a person to have control over others. A parent is expected to control his child and teach him limits. Some people have substantial control over others because they have earned a position through hard work and achievement. The mayor of a city is elected by citizens who entrust him with far reaching power. Responsible individuals seldom abuse their authority. They are more intent on serving others than being self-serving. Others, dissatisfied with what they have attained by legitimate means, misuse the authority entrusted to them and exploit their position for their own self-aggrandizement.

Having control over others as a legitimate function of one’s position is one thing. However, control for the sake of control is expressive of an error in thinking in which the person regards interpersonal relationships as arenas for conquests that are vital to propping up one’s self-image. It is then that there are human casualties -- emotionally, financially, or physically.

The Need for Control

People who are intent on controlling others are endeavoring to fortify an insatiable psychological need. A legitimately attained position is utilized as a vehicle to build up an already inflated ego. Many of these intensely controlling individuals are extremely intelligent, talented, and successful. While appearing benevolent, they conceal their true intentions.

What matters most is prevailing in any situation, and they will resort to any means to win. Because they are so admired, their faults are not recognized or else are overlooked. Even people who live with them put up with behavior that is exploitive and abusive. This in turn reinforces their mounting sense of invincibility.

Lucy, a middle-aged lady, came to me desperate for help. She had devoted a decade to a relationship with Ron, whom she eventually came to fear. Ron had been financially generous to her and her children. He was a respected professional in his field. Because of her earlier unsuccessful relationships with men, Lucy was gratified that this man had remained committed and loyal to her.

However, all was far from perfect, as Lucy had to contend with his moodiness and bouts of anger. Repeatedly, Lucy forgave him and started to believe that she might be the cause of his problems. Although he never hit her, Ron’s constant belittling and berating were so demoralizing that Lucy despaired that she could do nothing right. She was jolted into realizing that some of Ron’s problems had nothing to do with her when she intercepted mail indicating that he had been compelled to surrender his professional license.

Ron had no idea that Lucy had read the document that set forth complaints about his exploiting and sadistically injuring his clients. This helped Lucy put a number of things together. She regretted ignoring her own instincts and felt embarrassed that she had been conned. However, she was in a difficult position having quit her job and become financially dependent upon Ron. Feeling imprisoned in the relationship, she was at a loss as to how to break free.

Controllers like Ron conceal the sinister motives that drive them. Like Lucy, others are taken in and fail to recognize or condemn misconduct that they would not tolerate in others. Admirers of such people do not regard them as malevolent and often believe they can do no wrong. They tout their virtues and rush to their defense. People like Ron count on this!

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Failure to Perceive the Behavior

I call these individuals “secret controllers” because they are not perceived as controlling. They are so successful at obtaining what they want that they are seldom overtly challenged. Such an individual may not be unmasked until he has inflicted considerable harm. Sometimes the damage is so enormous that it becomes a headline event.

When the secret controller is confronted by a major threat to his ego, he responds in a criminal manner, even though it may turn out to be contrary to his best interest. Such was the case with Mark who was facing felony charges. The probation officer charged with preparing the pre-sentence report was so baffled by this talented engineer with no prior criminal record that she asked the court to order a psychological evaluation. I became involved pursuant to a judge ordering that this young man be examined “to determine the nature and extent of any pre-existing or existing mental and/or emotional problem.”

One might expect a defendant facing a substantial prison sentence to be so apprehensive that he would set his best foot forward. Since Mark knew the importance of this evaluation, one might surmise that he would at least appear compliant, whatever misgivings he had. My introduction to this man was to encounter a barrage of complaints and objections. Mark groused about the early morning hour of the meeting. He criticized the wording of my questions. He maintained that the whole process was unnecessary because he already had met several times with a counselor who could write a report.

Mark immediately regarded me as a potential threat, someone whom he could not control. His controlling personality came to the fore, and the interview proceeded like a chess match. Anything I said, Mark countered. After forty minutes of skirmishing, Mark was unrelenting in his tactics designed to control all aspects of our meeting. He persisted in challenging me and demanded to know how I would reach conclusions. I did my best to answer his questions but as soon as I replied to one, more objections were forthcoming.

You might see nothing unusual about this. In fact, you might think it quite sensible for a highly intelligent person to question a process upon which his future depends. But Mark was doing more than this. He appeared to be vying for total control.

During one of our interviews, Mark cited a saying, “If you can control inside, you can control outside.” Mark had a self-discipline of iron. With his stellar educational and career accomplishments, he became convinced that he could control all aspects of his life. His attempt to “control outside” clearly went awry in his first serious romantic involvement during which he abducted and intimidated a rival.

I am describing Mark as a “secret controller” because most people who knew him would not have had this view. From what I could discern by talking to a sister, his siblings did not regard him as controlling. Quite the contrary; they looked to Mark for guidance and saw him as a person to emulate. At school, students and teachers alike held this brilliant individual in high esteem as he achieved honor roll grades and was sought after by college admissions officers.

Others accommodated him, offered him opportunities, and rewarded Mark for his unflagging effort and excellent performance. He did not encounter any significant barrier to his objectives until he became involved with a young, somewhat naïve, woman who found it impossible to believe that Mark was anything but the wonderful, attentive, talented man with whom she had fallen in love.

When he began making sexual demands, she made allowances, telling herself that he was expressing his devotion and love. She attributed only noble motives to him, failing to grasp that a person who truly loved her would not have badgered her, interrogated her about what she was doing every moment, and psychologically browbeaten her about sensitive, intimate matters. She would have been shocked to learn that Mark owned a gun, much less that he planned to use it so that he could remove what he thought was the only impediment to their having a sexual relationship.

In attempting to understand people who commit crimes that appear out of character, the thinking error of aiming to control others will loom as a major factor.