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The Academy Awards, airing March 7th, is fast approaching and this year there is a much bigger battle being waged than the usual who will look best in what gown, who will give the funniest and or most politically savvy speech, and which unknown will go home with the golden statuette. James Cameron and Kathryn Bigelow are both up for Best Director Oscars for the stunning Avatar and gritty The Hurt Locker, respectively. Of course there are other directors in the running but all eyes are on these two, not only because this specific duel pits a studio film with an enormous budget against an indie with a tiny one, a smug egotistical man against a demur stoic woman, and most interestingly, ex-husband versus ex-wife. James and Kathryn were married from 1989-1991 and although both are insisting they are "good friends" and extremely happy for the others' success, most of Hollywood is hoping that Bigelow snatches the Oscar away from the self-titled "King of the World."
This literal battle of the exes has made me think about my own philosophy when it comes to past beaus. I have always tried to remain friends with my exes, even if they weren't particularly nice guys, thinking this showed a level of maturity on my part. I thought there must have been something about them that I liked in the first place so best to keep them around in some capacity.
One boyfriend, who was emotionally abusive, called me fat, and rarely paid rent, was a veterinarian and when we broke up I continued to take my cat Spork to see him. It wasn't until years later when my current boyfriend pointed out that there were plenty of great vets in Los Angeles and no need to endure dealing with my hostile ex that I had to take stock in why I was choosing to keep this jerk in my life in some way. I am ruthlessly sparse and very organized when it comes to stuff. I throw out junk mail immediately, rarely keep old clothes, and never let piles of magazines form in my apartment. But when it comes to exes I am a hoarder. I never want to throw any of them away, no matter how useless or toxic they might be, in case I one day need them again.
After some thought and some therapy I realized this wanting to keep exes around was a sign of insecurity. I didn't feel solid enough to walk away and say goodbye forever to someone who once cared for me, so I left the door open for occasional emails, how's it going coffees, and yearly cat vaccinations. It was the fear of being alone that convinced me it's better to keep old boyfriends around, rather than to wake up one day with no one. Once I discovered this ex hoarding was unhealthy, I revaluated my relationship with each one, getting rid of most and keeping a few of the good eggs.
The ex factor is present one way or another in most relationships and now especially with Facebook it is extremely easy to fall back in touch. Not all exes are bad and some can and should remain close dear friends. To have a strong policy either for or against exes as a whole is a bad sign. Being friends with all the exes means an unwillingness to move forward and being friends with no exes is a sign of easy detachment. I think handling each ex on a case-by-case basis is the healthiest way to go.
Perhaps James and Kathryn really are close supportive friends who will smile and beam and applaud for each other at the Oscars, but I still hope it is Kathryn who walks away with the little gold man.
