Is Comparison Actually a Form of Avoidance?

As people continue to cope with extraordinarily high levels of stress, it's only natural that defense mechanisms pop up. It can be incredibly helpful to develop compassion, empathy, and an understanding of our mind and body's natural protective response to stress.

Picture the moment you see a friend, colleague, or just someone you follow on social media doing something that creates a feeling of envy in you. You perceive this person to be experiencing something that seems better or more meaningful than what's happening in your life. Staying in this space, sticking with these thoughts, ultimately takes us pretty far away from what might be relevant for us — do we feel there is something we'd like to be different in our lives? What might that be? What does it feel like to sit with that?

Anna Freud, daughter of Sigmund Freud, continued the exploration of her father's concept of defense mechanisms and explained the way anxiety may alert the mind to protect from discomfort. Avoidance is a really common expression of the ego defense mechanism connected to repression. I imagine that we are all familiar with the feeling of choosing a soothing, numbing activity over the thing that is important but difficult. Although it might not be obvious, comparing ourselves to others is often a form of avoidance.

When we notice difficult thoughts of comparison coming up:

1. Address thoughts with curiosity. Notice that you are in a space of comparison, and then inquire, what exactly are your thoughts? What are you saying to yourself? Get specific. For example, you might actually be saying, "They are better than me because they have a partner. I am failing."
2. What's the purpose of this thought? Why does your mind go to this place? We all learn ways to cope with feelings that are tough. Sometimes these coping methods can shift so they are no longer helping us, and this often happens without us even realizing it. Often our thoughts exist in connection to an emotional reaction. In this case, the emotions might include, "I am feeling different, and this makes me feel sad."
3. Introduce the idea that this might be a protective defense mechanism. We each have our own experiences with what we have learned about how the world works and what is acceptable. Usually, this is a combination of explicit and implicit teaching — what we were specifically told, and what we observed and absorbed. Consider the following example: A commonly held belief that might cause anxiety is, "Good people get married; if a person is not in a relationship, they are a failure."
4. Go deeper — what truth about our lives might we be avoiding by spending time in comparison? Many of the beliefs we carry with us do not actually reflect the life we lead or what we hold to be true. Getting to that place of clarity, however, can take some time and effort. Perhaps the truth here is related to this journey, "I am not sure what I am looking for in a relationship or in a partner/s".
5. What might we be protecting and sheltering ourselves from? We often forget that we can handle the unknown. It is understandable that facing the often complex truth about how we feel, and who we are, feels daunting. It can feel safer, and more comfortable, to stay in a space of self-criticism and comparison, instead of being quiet with what we feel. "It feels really vulnerable to acknowledge that I don't know what's going to happen for my relationships in the future".
6. How might we soothe ourselves if this is difficult? We cope with the unknown every day, whether we are consciously aware of it or not. Use some of your skills here — if the thought is so painful that you are naturally repressing and avoiding it. Take care of yourself. Be kind and be compassionate.
7. How does this feel in your body? Our bodies are a major part of this process. Ignoring how our emotions are expressed in our bodies can lead to further difficulty expressing ourselves. If you notice there is tension, pain, discomfort, or any sensation that you take note of anywhere in your body, spend a bit of time breathing into that spot. Notice what's going on for you.
8. Shift the narrative to better reflect your feelings and your worth. The statement we started with, "They are better than me because they have a partner. I am failing," no longer works after this process. This feels a lot better: "The social space I was in when I grew up taught me that marriage is the most common form of relationship, and that's what most people do. I don't know if that's actually how I feel or if that's actually true. Sitting with that does feel a bit tough, but I understand why. I'm going to prioritize taking a walk to help ground myself and reconnect, knowing that being real is hard work. I'm valuable, and I can tolerate taking the time to figure out what I feel."

Creating a non-judgmental process to understand ourselves better in these moments can take us away from endless scrolling and self-criticism, and can lead to an integration of our actual feelings in how we cope.