Mentoring a Gifted Child

Source: U.S. Navy, Public Domain

We tend to donate our time and money to “the least among us.” But if the goal is to make the biggest difference, we might want to focus on people with unusually good potential to profit. My favorite example: Mentor or fund the mentoring of a kid(s) from families of modest income who are high performers. Why can that be so potent?

• Of course, some not-high-performers become late bloomers. But current high-performers are more likely to grow up to cure our diseases, create better products, be wise leaders, etc.
• The rich are more likely to help their high-performing kids to live up to their potential. That’s less likely with kids from lower-income backgrounds.
• One-on-one efforts such as mentoring are likely to yield significant benefit because the engagements are individualized and they bring the emotional connection that can foster motivation.

This article shows how to recruit and make the most of such a mentoring relationship, for the child and for you.

Of course, in today's era of suspicion especially about sexual predators, you may be limited to being a participant in an existing at-school program, but maybe not. In either case, the following should be helpful.

Inventory yourself

Even bright kids (and adults) are driven heavily by the fun factor: Will the interaction be pleasurable? So, inventory what you find fun. Later, in search of a match, you’ll learn what your potential mentees find fun.

Here are a few possibilities to jump-start your thinking:

• Play basketball. You can learn a lot about a person from how they play: Hard but fair? Lazy? Cheat, for example, deliberately fouling you because they know there are no free-throws in a pickup game? Great teaching opportunity.
• Together, creating visual images, whether by photography, free-hand drawing or painting, and with or without software.
• Helping with homework. Is that fun? Well, it can be more fun to get it done with someone there to guide through hard parts or to ask thoughtful “bonus” questions.
• Watch TV, a movie, sports, or play a video game together.
• Usually, a student, at least initially, would like a mentor for one or more of these: academic issues, personal issues, social issues, career advice, an activity partner, a tutor, perhaps studying something advanced of interest. (When I was a kid, I was fascinated with human anatomy and disease.) Are you open to any of the above?

Also inventory your values: individual initiative versus collectivism, work-life balance versus more accomplishment, liberal versus conservative or libertarian politics, materialistic versus simplicity. You can often apply those in your mentorship. For example, the materialist might want to go shopping with the mentee whereas the simplicity advocate might help the child clean out his overstuffed room and donate the excess to Goodwill.

Would you do better with a mentee of a particular age, race, gender, or sexual orientation?

What modes of contact are acceptable to you: In-person, phone? email, text, video, e.g., Skype, Facetime.

Finding the right mentee

With your desiderata in mind, to find an appropriate mentee, you might query one or more of these:

• A friend or relative. That person knows you and so is more likely to refer a good match. Also, because it’s a personal referral, the parent of the child is more likely to trust that you’re to be trusted.
• A counselor or principal at one or more nearby schools.
• The head of an after-school program in an area of your interest, for example, sports, music, theatre, or dance.

Here’s a sample approach, whether delivered in writing, by phone or, especially if it’s not a friend or relative, in person.

Hi, I’m Marty Nemko a career counselor who lives and works nearby. I’m wanting to do some more volunteer work and thought I might be a useful mentor to a high-performing child, maybe a 4th to 6th grade boy, perhaps someone from a family that isn’t providing all that the kid needs. Perhaps he'd be one of those kids who gets along better with adults than with peers. He and I might talk on the phone occasionally about whatever, or we could do things together on an intermittent or regular basis, maybe helping with or supplementing his homework, playing basketball, taking photos together, just chatting, whatever will meet his needs. Might you know of a child who could use someone like me? Of course, I’d want to first meet with the parent and child together so we’re all comfortable. In any event, we’d take it just one meeting at a time, and continue only if we both wanted a next meeting.

First contact

As in dating, the first contact should usually be done by phone, video, or in a public place, and because it’s a child, with a parent or guardian there.

You might start by briefly introducing yourself and why you’re volunteering to mentor a child. Here’s what I might say:

Hi, my name is Marty. When I was a kid, I would have liked a nice grown-up to talk with, maybe do some activities with. So now I’m finding myself with a little extra time and thought I might do that for a child. Your principal recommended you as someone who might enjoy that, so here I am. Want to tell me a little about yourself, maybe your favorite part of school or what you like to do for fun?

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Listen carefully to the child's answer so you can ask a relevant follow-up question or disclose something about yourself. Close listening may also get you a sense of the topic(s) and activities he’d like to talk about and clues to how superficial versus deep to be, at least for starters.

If the meeting is at school, you might ask the child to give you a tour. It’s his bailiwick, something he knows more about than you do. And by noticing what he points out, you can learn some things about him.

It’s usually wise to keep that first meeting short. Right after a positive exchange, it might be time to say, if true, “I’ve enjoyed our first meeting. Would you like to get together again, to do something together, like play catch (if he said he likes sports), or just talk, whether in person, by phone or Facetime?"

Deepening

Even a superficial mentoring relationship can be rewarding for both mentor and mentee. But you might want to test the waters for possible deepening. Questions that might do that include:

• Want to tell me a little more about your family?
• When you’re lying in bed, do you just go right to sleep or do you think about things, maybe good stuff, maybe not such good stuff?
• When are you happiest and saddest or most angry?
• What do you like and not like about yourself?
• Do you have a greatest wish? A greatest fear?
• If you could get any wish granted, what would it be?
• Is there anything you wish I’d ask you?

Especially in a mentoring relationship with a child, be especially vigilant of having gone too far. The old adage, "Better safe than sorry" may well apply here.

Problems

A common problem in mentoring, especially of children, is that they fail to keep an appointment. Generally, err toward gentleness, for example, “This is the second time you’ve no-showed. Want to tell me the reason why? Do you not want to get together?” If the problem persists, you might ask, “Honestly, it hurts my feelings when you no-show. Do you want to try to do better or should we stop at least for a while?”

Another common problem is that the child won’t open up or behaves disrespectfully. The default should be polite candor and being open to a satisfactory explanation. For example, you might say, “Johnny, we’ve met three times now and you’ve been awfully quiet. Am I doing something wrong? Anything I can do better?”

If you want to end the relationship, it’s tempting to do it by email or text, but it's fairer to use your normal contact method. Of course, every situation is different, but here’s what I might say:

Johnny, I’ve liked a lot about our get-togethers: joking about school, telling you about different careers, our trip to the museum. But I’m feeling like you’re not enjoying it or benefiting much, so I’m thinking we should take a break. How do you feel about that?”

The takeaway

Many successful people attribute some of their success to a mentor. Want to try being one to a child, when possibilities and potential are so great yet unrealized?

I read this aloud on YouTube.

Also, I've created a video "Ten Tips for Parents of Smart Kids" and 6 Ways for Teachers to Meet Bright and Gifted Kids' Needs Without Much Extra Work.