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Key points
- Divorce profoundly shifts familial relationships, forever changing the lives of children and parents.
- Unable to effectively cope with the losses of divorce, children may act out and withdraw from their parents.
- Child specialists help children cope with the emotional impact of divorce and navigate family changes.
For more than 30 years, the fastest-growing divorce rate in the U.S. and abroad has been among people age 50 and older. Researchers call this phenomenon "The Gray Divorce Revolution" and predict it will triple by 2030.
Researchers Wallerstein and Blakeslee wrote, "Divorce is deceptive. Legally it is a single event, but psychologically it is a chain – sometimes a never-ending chain – of events, relocations and radically shifting relationships strung through time, a process that forever changes the lives of the people involved." Many gray divorce parents have children who are not yet adults. They may be elementary, middle-school, or high-school-aged children.
Divorce is a challenging and emotionally charged process, especially when minor children are involved. Minor children are the family members who are the least prepared and capable of coping with the myriad changes their family is experiencing. During their parents' separation and divorce, children often find themselves caught in the crossfire of the conflict. Their emotional and psychological welfare can be profoundly affected as they grapple with feelings of confusion, insecurity, fear, anger, and even guilt. They have not yet developed ways to deal with the losses of divorce effectively and often respond with anger toward their parents or withdrawal from seeing or speaking to one or both of them.
How a child and teen specialist can help
Amid divorce's legal complexities and emotional turmoil, a child and teen specialist can be invaluable. These professionals, trained and experienced in psychology or social work and child and adolescent development, are neutral to the parents. They play a crucial role in advocating for the well-being of children during divorce. Their involvement can significantly mitigate the negative impact of divorce on children and facilitate family transitions.
One of the primary roles of a child specialist is to provide a voice for the children during separation and divorce. Unlike attorneys who represent their clients' interests, child specialists focus on the children's needs. They meet with the children, gaining insights into their concerns and fears. By understanding the children's perspectives, the child specialist can provide valuable input to the parents that prioritizes the children's well-being.
Moreover, child specialists facilitate communication between parents during divorce. They help mediate discussions regarding co-parenting plans and resolve conflicts over child-related issues. Their impartiality and expertise in child development and the unique developmental problems of children that arise during separation and divorce enable them to offer practical solutions that can minimize disruptions in the children's lives, maximize children's healthy coping skills, and promote effective co-parenting relationships that benefit the children and their parents.
A child specialist can offer suggestions when children are struggling emotionally or exhibiting behavioral changes due to the divorce. They may recommend counseling or therapy services to help children cope with the upheaval in their lives and navigate the transition to new family dynamics. By addressing these emotional needs early on, child specialists can help prevent long-term psychological consequences and support children in adjusting to their new circumstances.
Furthermore, the insights provided by a child specialist can be instrumental in crafting realistic and child-centered co-parenting plans. They consider factors such as each parent's relationship with the children, their caregiving abilities, and the children's developmental stages, thus ensuring that the arrangements are sensitive to the unique needs of the children.
The involvement of a child specialist can also significantly reduce the adversarial nature of divorce, especially when disputes over custody and visitation arise. By fostering open communication and encouraging a focus on the children's well-being, child specialists help parents prioritize cooperative parenting despite their differences. This collaborative approach benefits the children and promotes healthier post-divorce family dynamics. Virginia Satir, one of the early developers of family therapy, said, "If you want the children to be okay, help the parents be okay."
Beyond their professional qualifications, child specialists bring compassion and empathy to their work with families experiencing divorce. They understand the sensitivity of the issues and strive to create a supportive environment where children's voices are heard and respected. This humanistic approach is essential in helping children navigate the emotional complexities of divorce and facilitating adjustment to changing family situations.
The value of a child specialist in a divorce process cannot be overstated. Their role in helping children and teens' voices be heard, advocating for children's best interests, providing therapeutic support, facilitating communication between parents, and offering expert guidance is indispensable. By prioritizing the well-being of children amid the turmoil of divorce, child specialists contribute to creating more positive outcomes for children and parents during one of life's most challenging transitions. Their presence can help promote a future in which children and parents' relationships can heal and thrive despite separation and divorce.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
© 2024 Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D.
References
Brown, S. L., and Lin, I-Fen. “The Gray Divorce Revolution: Rising Divorce Among Middle-Aged and Older Adults, 1990-2010,” Journals of Gerontology Series B: Psychological Sciences and Social Sciences 67, no. 6 (2012): 731–41, doi:10.1093/geronb/gbs089.
Wallerstein, J. and Blakeslee, S. Second Chances: Men, Women, and Children, a Decade After Divorce. (New York: Mariner Books, 2004).
