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Key points
- Dealing with rude and selfish people can be draining and take a toll on your health and well-being.
- Try to keep an open mind and employ strategies for effective communication: Stay calm, have realistic expectations, hold your boundaries, and speak your truth.
- Finally, be judicious about picking your battles, limit your exposure to difficult people, and focus on and create positive aspects of your life.
Let’s face it; they are everywhere... at work, in your family, in your neighborhood, even in your favorite stores, rude people abound. They may be self-centered and sometimes just mean and hurtful. It would be nice if you could simply avoid them, but it’s not so easy if they are embedded within your social networks. So the challenge is how to navigate situations where you have to deal with rude and mean-spirited people.
For this blog, we are not talking about abusive or threatening people, as that requires its own conversation. Although, it could be a fine line, as chronic meanness certainly is abusive, but not necessarily life-threatening or illegal. Instead, the challenge is to deal with people in your everyday life.
In all fairness, not everyone intends to be mean. They may simply be so self-absorbed that they are unaware of others, motivated to meet their own needs, and just oblivious even when it is at the expense of others. They may unwittingly say or do something hurtful, push their way in front of others, or disregard normal social behavior.
Others may be more calculating. What about when you go out of your way to help someone, and then you get accused or blamed for something not going well? Or someone taking advantage of your kindness and then not appreciating or reciprocating when you have a need? Maybe the offending person has a knack for making you feel criticized or put down. Or you may hear that someone was talking behind your back, spreading misinformation about you instead of simply talking to you.
The accumulation of these kinds of interactions can take an emotional toll on your happiness and well-being, leaving you with fewer and fewer reserves to deal with it. It can disrupt your sleep and make you feel irritable. At the least, it is exhausting. At the most, it can make you want to completely avoid social interactions.
In an ideal world, the first step is to openly invite the person to have a conversation. Maybe they are reacting to something that you are not aware of, or maybe even reacting to something that you said or did. It is possible that you don’t know the whole story. It is always helpful to understand the context before drawing conclusions.
But even with your good intentions, not everyone is comfortable or willing to engage in a conversation without becoming defensive. If you are able to clear up a misunderstanding, then that would be great. But it is also possible the person could deny their own behavior and then get upset with you! You may be accused of being rude for accusing them of being rude! This is a boomerang reaction and does not resolve the situation.
Another potential boomerang can happen if you choose to report the issue to someone in higher authority. Sometimes it is effective, and other times, you risk retaliation and only fuel the tension. It helps if you have strong allies on your side. Don’t think that just because you are certain that you are right, reporting is necessarily the best path to go, especially if you have to continue to live or work with the accused.
If you are shaking your head in shock at someone else’s awful behavior, then it’s time to consider these strategies.
1. Stay calm.
If you can, address the issue in the moment in a calm and appropriate way. But if you were stunned and unable to process what happened or were overly upset, then it is important to calm down. You don't want to escalate the situation, which could lead to a poor outcome for you. You can always come back and address the issue later when you are ready. You keep your power when you keep your cool.
2. Know who you are dealing with.
If you know this person is chronically self-centered, then it should be no surprise when they make everyone rearrange their schedule to fit their plans. Are you really surprised? Just because you wouldn’t do that behavior, they would. Having realistic expectations protects you from feeling completely derailed.
3. Hold your boundaries.
Take a moment and think about your needs. What’s OK with you, and what is not? Negotiate for your needs because you know they will negotiate for their needs.
On this note, be careful about making too many concessions too soon. If you are working with an aggressive person, your offers of cooperation may work against you. Instead, think about what you want and what you are willing and not willing to do. Then you can make sure that you don’t end up agreeing to give up more than you feel comfortable giving.
4. Speak your truth.
Breathe and speak up. The other person has no problem speaking up; you can too. This is not permission to also be rude, but rather to calmly state what you think or defend your position. Speaking up teaches others that you stand up for yourself. You may be able to have a healthy, productive conversation.
5. Pick and choose your battles.
Next comes the strategy of picking and choosing which issues you want to argue for. Some issues may just not be worth the effort. If you decide not to engage, then say to yourself, “It is not worth it,” and walk away. Disengaging can sometimes be the most powerful choice.
6. Limit your exposure.
As stated, dealing with these issues is exhausting. It is emotionally draining and can take a toll on your sleep, happiness, and well-being. Therefore, limit your exposure if you can. Instead, find something positive or pleasurable to focus on. Have a focal point that reminds you of better things in life.
Regardless of your efforts, don’t expect that they are going to change. Maybe they will have a grand epiphany, but likely not. You might as well bang your head against the wall. It will give you the same outcome: They are not changing, and you just gave yourself a headache.
Action step:
Breathe. Disengage. Remember, there are plenty of good people “out there,” and it is up to you to seek like-minded associates.
Most importantly, recommit to how you want to behave in the world. Don’t let other people’s behavior make you become angry and defensive. Instead, perhaps see it as a call to action. What can you do that is a positive contribution to others?
Be a role model of kindness and still hold your boundaries. You have the power to influence others in a good way just by being you. Boost the positive in your life, so you have the reserves to deal with draining people.
