How Being a Therapist Can Impact Your Personal Life

Psychotherapists work with many individuals who are in great distress, with the goals of easing their burdens and helping them lead more fulfilling lives. It requires attentive listening, empathy, compassion, presence, patience, and self-awareness to name several qualities and skills. Providing therapy also means engaging in a continual “cycle of caring,” in which therapists connect, remain close to, and then detach from clients.

Given the depth and demands of clinical work, how might it spill over and seep into the personal lives of therapists? This was the central question of a study led by psychologist Marit Råbu of the University of Oslo in Norway. More specifically, she and her research team wanted to capture the wisdom of this unique work-life interplay from senior therapists.

In order to pursue this inquiry, Dr. Råbu and her collaborators recruited 12 therapists, ranging in age from 68 to 86 years and whose careers spanned between 35 and 56 years. The investigators interviewed them about their experiences as psychotherapists and analyzed their narratives for themes.

The results were striking. The analyses yielded four overarching themes, each of which broke down into sub-themes. They revealed the impact, extraordinary in terms of both meaning and challenge, that being a therapist had on their personal lives over the years. The findings of their study are outlined below.

Theme 1: It has been a privilege to have the opportunity to know and contribute, and to be allowed to grow personally.

This theme broke down into two sub-themes:

I have had the privilege of coming close to others. Playing a vital role in the personal lives and development of their clients was enriching. Being a therapist allowed for relationships with individuals whom they would not have otherwise met, and who came from different social strata, occupations, and cultures. Therapists described their work as awe-inspiring, and “coming to life itself.” A participant shared:

I have had a wonderful and awesomely stimulating work. And every time I got a new client, it was very exciting: Who is this person? What does she want? And... what is going to happen?

Being a therapist has allowed me to develop as a person. Participants expressed gratitude for the opportunity to call upon many parts of themselves, including different feelings, rhythms, and ways of being and thinking as they met with different clients. Engaging with oneself in various ways was for some a creative or artistic process:

I think of [therapy] as sort of both art and craft ... I feel I get to use my creativity as a therapist, to use, what can I say, that artistic part of myself, or the creative part ... I can use a creative part of myself when I sit here in the sessions, the way you listen and combine stuff and give feedback.

Theme 2: Facing suffering and destructiveness has been a burden.

This theme broke down into two sub-themes.

I have accumulated my clients’ suffering. When asked directly, the therapists in this study admitted that ongoing exposure to others’ suffering over the course of time significantly strained their personal lives. A therapist remarked: “I guess I have collected lots of, yes, sorrowful things ... One probably doesn’t get to shake it off enough.”

I found carrying responsibility and guilt hard. Therapists had particular difficulty engaging with clients’ suffering if there was little they could do to help. Relatedly, it was also hard to hear patients’ and their families’ circumstances beyond the treatment room, especially child abuse. A participant shared their feelings of helplessness and the limits of therapy:

Yes. You get to hear such histories (sighs). That has an impact on you, it has. I need some time to put it away ... When you get so stuffed; you have heard so much that your ears fell off a long time ago. And this painful stuff, often about children.

Theme 3: Being a therapist has had an impact on my personal relationships—for better or worse.

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This theme was comprised of two sub-themes.

What I have learned has enriched my relationships. Being a therapist grew participants’ abilities to know others in a profoundly personal way, and cultivated a sense of humbleness and acceptance towards others. As one therapist put things:

I have become good at indulging both one thing and the other (laughs). They sort of have their reasons. That’s the way they are, sort of. I have few prejudices left, I am very accepting.

Stressful experiences have burdened my relationships. Some therapists felt overloaded and withdrew from their significant others after long days at work. They also withdrew from conflicts, and may have let too many things go in their personal relationships in order to get much-needed peace and rest. They realized that they had to craft a lifestyle that would be compatible with their work, which called upon the support of their families. One participant described:

You populate your inner life with people you don’t live your life with, and I think that can be a barrier towards other people ... One is so populated inside that you can hardly have room for more than perhaps your closest family ... And another factor is that this is not only the case for a short period, it is every day for years. And it can easily become the sole activity; you miss the rest of your life because you are so immersed, or trapped by your work with patients ... And working with patients demands much attention. It is very interesting, it yields devotion, it is a huge part of your life, and it becomes a too large part of life. And, you can easily get blind to other things in the world.

Theme 4: I have needed to construct a way of living that allowed me to continue to do the work.

The therapists in this study cautioned that sitting alone with too much heavy knowledge and experience could pave the road to isolation and withdrawal. While they very much valued the privilege and benefits of the profession, they also had to actively construct a way of life that would help them manage the burdens of being a therapist. Some participants deemed it important to maintain their “inner space,” being mindful of their limits, taking their needs seriously, and guarding the space they needed for reflection. And finally, these senior therapists highlighted the essential importance of self-care to have a worthwhile life outside of their work.