Why Conflict Avoidance Doesn't Work

Don't avoid conflict in your relationship.

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Do you find yourself holding your feelings in just to avoid conflict with your partner? Nobody enjoys conflict but it can be a healthy part of your relationship.

There are many reasons people might avoid conflict. A lot of times this can go back to childhood and how we witness our parents handle conflict. Your family may have taught you to keep your feelings to yourself and given you messages to “toughen up." You may have experienced toxic conflict in a past relationship or related trauma. You may experience anxiety especially about others being mad or upset with them. And sometimes we just want to enjoy positive time together so we push conflict aside.

Conflict avoidance actually creates much larger conflicts and creates more disconnected feelings in relationships. When you hold in conflict it can grow bigger and bigger and come out as an explosion. A small conflict pushed aside then becomes so large it feels unresolvable. This can also be how resentment builds up. Instead of telling your partner when something is bothering you, it builds up into a pile and you start to have a negative narrative about your partner. That actually makes it harder to be in a positive perspective. When this happens, it can be hard to feel connected, partially because you aren’t opening up and sharing with your partner, but also because the resentment creates a distance.

A lot of couples I see in my practice have struggled with conflict avoidance for years. It can get so bad they don't know how to talk to each other at all. They have told me they have given up because the conflict always seemed to go poorly in the past. This brings up the point of good conflict and bad conflict. We want to strive for good conflict, in which we listen to our partners, communicate without criticism, and work together to problem-solve. In John Gottman's research, his team was able to study how couples handle conflict and use that data to predict divorce.

If you relate to avoiding conflict in your relationship this can be a good shared goal to work on. Talk to your partner about your desire to be more open and sit down together to create some shared goals. Here are some tips:

• Use I statements or a gentle startup. Take responsibility for your feelings and clearly ask for what you need.
• Don’t blame, criticize, or use judgment when sharing how you feel. This will cause someone to shut down or become defensive.
• When in the listener role, tune in to how your partner feels and what their perspective is. Don’t think about how it makes you feel.
• Set aside time each day and once a week to check in with your partner. Having scheduled time makes it easier to share.
• Before switching roles from speaker to listener, make sure the listener can summarize and validate their partner.

If you find yourself still struggling to get through conflict avoidance, I recommend finding a qualified couples counselor to provide some help. A therapist can help you get through conflict in a healthy way so you can learn the skills to face conflict head on.