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There is a story about Albert Einstein that bears repeating. When someone once asked him what he thought was the most important question any human being needed to answer, he responded, “Is the universe friendly or not?”
For sure, how you answer this question will drive you toward either happiness or unhappiness. If you choose to think the universe to be friendly, then you will likely be grateful for the past, attentive to the goods of the present, and hopeful about the future. If, on the other hand, you thinks the universe to be unfriendly, then you will likely focus on the negatives, whine about the struggles, and hold a pessimistic view of the future.
But, I'm not sure Einstein posed the right question. For, the truth of the matter is that the world is neither friendly nor unfriendly. It just is, as it is, at the moment it is, with all the friendly and unfriendly circumstances in it at the time. The universe is impersonal, without the capacity to purposely act friendly or unfriendly. In fact, if you think about it, the universe as such doesn't even know you exist.
I suggest, therefore, that there is a better question for a person to answer: “How will you react when you face life’s unfriendly circumstances?” If you start with the premise that there will be unfriendly hardships in everyone's life, including yours – sometimes hassles and annoyances, other times calamities and even tragedies – then there are two ways you can react when you face misfortune…
1. With Breakdown Thinking. In this, you perceive yourself to be a victim of the unwanted circumstances. That is, you hold the universe responsible for your happiness. So, when faced with unwanted circumstances, you resort to protesting, (“This shouldn't be!”), whining, (“Why me?”), and/or blaming, (“Damn you!” “Damn me!” “Damn it!”), instead of going about the business of doing what can be done to improve the situation.
The unfortunate consequences of this mentality are many. One is that you now have to contend with two adversities for the price of one: there is the unfriendly adversity itself you face; then there is the emotional contamination of depression, self-pity, and bitterness that this type thinking spawns. Two, you are unlikely to take action to improve the adverse situation itself, so that you are faced with dealing with it indefinitely. A third is that the breakdown mentality tends to get more deeply habituated in you so that, when the next unfriendly circumstance occurs, you will be more likely to respond in these unhappy, nonproductive ways than before.
2. With Breakthrough Thinking. With this mentality, you take responsibility for your own life, as per, “What happens in my life and my future is up to me.” When an adversity erupts, then, instead of protesting, whining, or blaming, you take charge by doing what you can to make the situation as good as you can. If you adopt breakthrough thinking, you can habituate yourself to asking yourself the following type questions when life delivers you a setback:
• What is the opportunity in this breakdown for a breakthrough?
•What is my next best move?
•What can I learn from this experience that could serve me well in the future?
Notice how these questions focus you away from victimhood and emotional misery and toward constructive action. The truth is that most situations can be improved upon, if not always totally resolved. Furthermore, even if you cannot immediately resolve the unfriendly situation, you need not make oneself miserable about it by protesting, whining, and/or blaming.
Live It
I guarantee you that you will face an unfriendly adversity sooner than later in your life. You have very little choice in the matter. What you do have is have control over how you respond to your adversity.
Here are a few ideas you use to help yourself to think breakthrough when you face the inevitable vicissitudes of life.
1. Do an Attitudinal Inventory. Review the last ten adversities you faced. Honestly, what was your automatic way of thinking? Was it Breakdown or Breakthrough? Whether Breakdown or Breakthrough, what was the emotional experience you had that went with it? Did it help or hinder you to engage in problem solving?
2. Commit to the Thinking You Want to Adopt. Go back to my descriptions of Breakdown and Breakthrough Thinking. In your own words, make a conscious choice of which of these you want to adopt going forward. Make a commitment to use it when you face your inevitable unfriendly life circumstances.
3. Do a Life Inventory. Find a quiet time to reflect on your life. Look to the past. Is there anything you feel bitter, guilty, or depressed about? If so, apply the breakthrough mentality to it with an eye to doing something that will provide a breakthrough. Do the same for your present life. Also, scan the future to see if there is anything you anticipate that may happen that you can proactively handle in a breakthrough way. In other words, go about the business of cleaning up your life without resorting to the victim toolbox: protesting, whining, and/or blaming.
4. Review Daily the Breakthrough Thinking Paradigm. The wise person doesn't wait until unfriendly circumstances pop up and then hope they think Breakthrough. They keep it alive each day. I recommend starting off the day by reflecting on the Breakthrough paradigm, thereby priming yourself to use it should today be the day an adversity rears its ugly head.
5. Enlist a Support Person. So many well-meaning people will try to support you by empathizing with your protesting, whining, and blaming. “Poor baby,” they say, “that is terribly unfair.” Their intentions are good, but, without meaning to, they can easily reinforce your Breakdown thinking. Like recovering alcoholics with their sponsors and athletes with their trainers, you would be wise to meet periodically with someone who thinks Breakthrough and who can serve as your Breakthrough coach.
Going Forward
Life is neither friendly nor unfriendly. It just is. In that light, there will inevitably be frustrations, challenges, even tragedies in your life. They are inevitable. What is not inevitable is how you respond to them. When you face those inevitable unfriendly circumstances, you can respond in a Breakdown or a Breakthrough manner. I hope you choose, adopt, and practice Breakthrough Thinking.
Russell Grieger, Ph.D. is the author of several self-help books, all designed to empower people to create a life they love to live. These include: Unrelenting Drive; The Couples Therapy Companion: A Cognitive Behavior Workbook; and The Happiness Handbook (in preparation). You may contact Dr. Grieger for questions or for more information at grieger@cstone.net.
