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Voltaire, the great French philosopher, noted that we do not live in the best of all possible worlds. Indeed, there are wars and terrorists. There is bigotry in all its ugly forms—racism, sexism, and God knows what else. There are hurricanes and plane crashes and tornadoes. There is child abuse, spousal abuse, and elder abuse.
I sure hope you do not experience any of these, and, if you do, I hope you get all the support and professional help you need. But these type of tragedies do not complete the picture. There are also all the annoying minor things that seem to pop up to devil us—the flu; the washing machine that breaks down only after the pile of dirty clothes has filled the laundry hamper; the traffic congestion we have to endure to get to and from work. These type of hassles seem to be so much a part of life that I simply put them on my expected “ho-hum” list.
So many of the negatives we face in life—large and small—are largely beyond our control. Except in distant and indirect ways, there is often little we can do to prevent or eliminate them from our life. What we’re left with is to take charge of how we react to these events. How? Well, in many ways, including those in my previous six blogs: focusing on the good in life, not the bad; going on daily happiness treasure hunts; finding as many pleasures in daily life as possible; being careful to not catastrophize about anything; ridding yourself of all bitter protestations, as in, “This shouldn’t be.” I invite you to go back and review these happiness blogs to mine them for opportunities to gracefully handle life’s vicissitudes.
But, guess what? Many of these negatives are under our control. We don’t have to wait till they happen and then react. We can do something about them, if only we would take the time and make the effort to do so. We can indeed follow Reinhold Niebuhr’s Serenity Prayer: “God grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I can't, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
I can tell you that my life has been ever so much better ever since I went on a campaign to rid myself of all those unnecessary negatives. I made a list of all those things I found both annoying and unnecessary and systematically got rid of them. A short list included: mowing the lawn, repairing broken appliances, grocery shopping, billing insurance companies, running errands, and dropping clothes off at the dry cleaners. These chores need to be done, but guess what? There are people who like to, and indeed, are good at doing these things. They will take them on for you. By turning them over to someone else, I no longer have to deal with them, and I now have free time to do what I find pleasurable and productive.
I do not know you personally and, of course, do not know the intricacies of your life. But, I am positive that you too experience such hassles in your life. I urge you to follow my lead and do your version of what I've done. See if you don't reap the same benefits I have.
Sear This Into Your Mind
Please consider the following three points as both true and useful. They can spur you to rid the negatives from your life.
• This is it. The bottom line is that your time on earth is limited. There may be an afterlife, but we don’t know for sure. So, take the attitude that this is it, and after that, there maybe no more. This perspective can help you to intentionally rid your life—little by little—of those things that bring you frustration, displeasure, and annoyance.
• It's up to me. Nobody is put on this earth to make your life work. It's up to you. To borrow a phrase from Alcoholics Anonymous: “If it's going to be, it's up to me.” So, your happiness is your responsibility. This includes both bringing pleasure and joy into your life and eliminating as much of the pain and negative as is humanly possible.
• Get off your butt. Nothing changes without doing what's necessary to make the change happen. You cannot paint a house by wishing, hoping, or planning to paint it. The only way to paint it is to paint it. Similarly, you must swing into action and systematically—relentlessly, day-after-day—act to clean out the unnecessary negatives from your life. You deserve to do so. You are entitled to do so. You can do so, if you willingly swing into action. Read on!
Doing It
Here, now, is an opportunity for you to chip away at those annoying, irritating things that waste your time and undercut your happiness. Take advantage of this opportunity by following these steps.
1. Make a commitment to be happy. Think of all the major decisions you've made in your life—whether or not to go to college, to marry, to have children. I'll bet those decisions have rippled through your life, well or ill, to this day. So, here's another decision for you. Sit down and decide whether or not you will act to bring happiness into your life. If you consciously and purposely make the decision, I promise that it will motivate you to act to do so. Don't read on. Just stop and reflect. Will you or won't you? Go ahead. Make that commitment. Right now. Do it.
2. Do an inventory. Now, get a pencil and a piece of paper. Draw a line down the middle: on the left side, list those things in your life that you find frustrating and annoying; on the right, list those people who bring negativity to your life. Don't censor yourself. Be complete. But remember, with regard to the people, putting them on this list doesn't qualify them as bad or worthless, only frustrating to you.
3. Use the Serenity Prayer to game plan. Now reflect on your two lists. Which of these can you eliminate without bringing undue harm to yourself or to others, and which do you have to gracefully tolerate as one of those unavoidable thorns in your life? Here's the deal: for those you cannot rid, you can apply the acceptance lessons I've communicated in many of my previous blogs; for those you can eliminate, you can work to get rid of them, starting today. Either way, life gets better.
4. Act. So as to not put pressure on you, I suggest you select one item each month and eliminate it from your life. Start by picking one for April, 2015. What is it? What can you do to eliminate it from your life? Can you simply get rid of it? Can you get someone else to handle it for you? Can you alter it in some way so that it is no longer troublesome? Figure out what to do, and then follow through—immediately. In May eliminate another one, then another in June, then another in July, and so on. Continue this for the next 12 months. Just think how different your life will look a year from now.
5. Celebrate your victory. Once you eliminate April’s unnecessary annoyance, celebrate. Pat yourself on the back. Jump for joy. Treat yourself to something special. You deserve it. You've taken action to make your life just a little bit better. Good going. Now, keep it up.
Going Forward
You may not have control over all the annoying circumstances in your life, but you have control over some. While working to gracefully lump those things you cannot eliminate, you'd be wise to get rid of those you can. After all, this is your life. You want to manage it on purpose. So, get yourself to work today. Sculpt your life, little by little, month-by-month, to make it ever closer, to the way you want it to be.
In conclusion, I sincerely hope this blog has been of use to you. You deserve to be happy. But, it will only happen if you do what's necessary to make it happen. Go for it, with my full support and commitment.
Russell Grieger, Ph.D. is the author of several self-help books, all designed to empower people to create a life they love to live. These include: Unrelenting Drive; The Couples Therapy Companion: A Cognitive Behavior Workbook (Routledge, April, 2015); and The Happiness Handbook (in preparation). You may contact Dr. Grieger for questions or for more information at grieger@cstone.net.
