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In my weekly mental health chat, a discussion recently ensued about going to one's high school reunion — and how common it is to be ambivalent about the experience of reunions in general. As someone who's own milestone college reunion is coming up (and yes, I am going, and quite enthusiastically!) reunions have been on the mind. And what mixed feelings they can bring!
In the age of social media, reunions have lost a bit of their past purpose of satisfying sheer and unabashed curiosity ("Oh my god, he does still have that amazing hair!"), since people are better able to keep tabs on what their classmates have gone on to do with themselves and their lives. On the other hand, social media has increased the enthusiasm for reunions in some ways, given that you may be more excited to spend time in person with people that you have already gotten back in touch with and communicate with. It has also has made it easier to spread the news about the reunion itself.
Surprisingly little psychology research has been devoted to the emotional and cognitive aspects of attending reunions (I guess most researchers are too busy in the lab to think about their own!). But a study in the 1980s determined that the biggest predictor of whether people would attend is how positive their actual memories were of their school experience, which makes sense. And apparently people who didn't feel that they were particularly "popular" were worried that, if they went back, no one would remember them.
It stands to reason that more extroverted people will likely be far more comfortable with the idea of a gathering where they don't automatically have established social ties. But even extroverted people tend to be more receptive about going to a reunion if people with whom they've remained in touch — and can talk with more easily — are there. Across the board in the aforementioned study, the fear of knowing no one was a common reason not to go, as were concerns about finances, travel, and the idea that one wasn't in a place in life that was impressive enough to show off to others.
On the other hand, the top reasons people were likely to go were to renew old friendships, see how others had changed, and to show off how they themselves had changed. For some people I have worked with, it feels like an important step to reject the old you and establish the new — especially among people who still may be stuck on the old version of you.
But particularly salient is a sense of community and familiarity — nostalgia is a powerful thing. The old neighborhood, the campus buildings, the two same names organizing the whole shebang who also organized your prom — that can all invoke warm fuzzies. This seems to get even more special as you get older. Indeed, the older the attendees were in the study, the less caught up in comparisons and status they seemed to be, and the more they appreciated what it meant to reconnect — and the power of the passage of time, for better or for worse. Perhaps when there are a few extra decades gone by, the reality that not all of your classmates are still alive, and the fact that so many of them have suffered their share of heartbreak, puts things in perspective. And it makes it much less tempting to focus on who is making the most money — instead, you can just connect.
As someone who is an admitted reunion aficionado (food, laughing, memories, the possibility to be surprised... what's not to love?), I have seen several clients go through the calculus of whether to attend (and urged a few of my friends to take the leap). While I'm happy to report that I have yet to hear of anyone who decided to attend and is sorry they did, there are a few considerations that appear to make it much more likely you'll enjoy yourself:
- Go in with an open mind.
- Be willing to discard old narratives — about yourself, and about others.
- Establish the boundaries (around alcohol, conversation, and length of stay) you need to feel comfortable.
- Remember that it's about connection, not a contest.
And finally, take heart that the potential payoffs may be even more significant than you realize. As I have long extolled the emotional and physical benefits of social support, I'd be remiss if I didn't point out that one of the most substantial longitudinal studies of all time showed that the quality of interpersonal relationships is one of the most significant predictors of longevity. It's true: Quality friendships can make you live longer, and they can make those years richer and happier.
Whether old or new, I can't imagine more fertile ground for friendship than a gathering whose sole purpose is to connect people who have something in common.
So, if you're on the fence your next reunion season, why not give it a try?
