How to Get Yourself to Do What You’re Supposed to Do

Ant carrying egg

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We live in a culture where success is primarily a function of how well you can convince yourself to do things you don’t necessarily want to do. The Stanford Marshmallow study demonstrated that children who did better at delaying gratification (they were willing to pass up a treat placed in front of them for the promise of more to come) grew up to be adults who were higher achieving in school and life (Michel et al., 1972). These kids did better in life because our society heavily rewards us for being willing to delay gratification, trusting in a better world to come. The problem is that the usual thing for a kid to do when you put a treat in front of him is to eat the treat! It’s an unusual kid who is willing to pass up the treat that’s right in front of him, and those rare kids grow up to run the world.

Most of us struggle to convince ourselves that it’s worth it to pass up the treat in front of us for a promised treat in the future. We understand that if we don’t finish the work in front of us by the end of the day, we risk being confronted by our boss and losing the promotion we have been working so hard for. But when it’s 5:00 and everyone is heading out for drinks after work, it’s challenging to convince yourself to stay behind and grind out the work.

So how do you get yourself to accomplish what you need to get done when so many temptations are all around you?

Identify if you want to do the task

The first step is to figure out if the task you are struggling with is something you want to do or not. That may not seem like a relevant distinction, but it has everything to do with which strategy will be most effective.

It seems like it should be easy to know what you do and don’t want to do, but we are all covered over with so many layers of internalized obligation that most of us rarely take the time to stop and notice whether this is something we want to do. I find myself plowing through books that I’m not getting much out of because I spent so many years in school, forcing myself to push through poorly written texts that it’s easy for me to keep reading without noticing whether I’m getting anything out it.

Don't battle your own resistance

If the task in front of you is something you don’t want to do, and you push yourself hard to do it, your resistance will push back at least as hard, and you are not likely to get it done.

Each of you reading this post can probably make a long list of essential things you are supposed to be doing but have not been able to force yourself to complete. The problem with going to war with yourself is that win or lose, all the casualties are on the same side. In this case, trying harder is most likely to be counterproductive.

What is more likely to be helpful is to stop trying so hard. We know from decades of learning research that positive reinforcement is more effective than punishment. The best way to get yourself to do things you don’t want to do is not to punish yourself for not getting it done but to bribe yourself with a meaningful incentive.

What’s the best way to get yourself to do the things you want but are having a hard time getting started? In this case, not trying so hard is likely to be your best strategy. I like to end my days by indulging in the sheer sensual pleasure of going outside for a soak in my hot tub. As much as I enjoy it, sometimes it’s difficult to convince myself to go outside in the cold of a Maine winter to take a soak. In this case, where I’m encountering some resistance to doing what I know I enjoy, a gentle nudge can be helpful. I might remind myself of how much better I sleep when I soak in the hot tub before bed or of how good it will feel once I get in. If the gentle nudge doesn’t get me out there, I back off because trying harder is counterproductive with things that you want to do.

Wealth and privilege can certainly inoculate us from doing many things we don’t want to do, but no one escapes the struggle to do the things we are supposed to and may not want to do. Learning when to try harder and when to stop trying so hard can make it a lot easier.

Excerpted in part from Hidden in Plain Sight: How Men’s Fears of Women Shape Their Intimate Relationships (Weiss, 2021).