I Put Up the Boundary: Why Do I Still Feel Bad?

Bird on a fence

Source: Sergio Serjao / Pixabay

Human relationships can provide us with some of the greatest satisfaction there is. Studies have shown that friendship is not only good for the warm and fuzzies, but relationships are good for your health too. The Mayo Clinic (2022) reports that adults with “strong social connections have a reduced risk of many significant health problems, including depression, high blood pressure, and unhealthy body mass index.” They add that “older adults who have meaningful relationships and social support are likely to live longer than their peers with fewer connections.”

When Friends Hurt Us

Friends and being in relationships with others can elevate our lives. It also comes with a risk, that is, the people that make up your friends and social connections are just that, people. As we know, people at some time or another can, well, suck. When we have friends or others in our lives that begin to treat us poorly, we have some options.

If the relationship is solid and worth keeping, we can try and communicate what needs aren’t getting met and what their actions are doing that feels abrasive. When we communicate openly with this person, they have a chance to hear our needs and respond with care and attention to fix the hurts.

As we know, not all people respond well to this.

If we try to communicate our needs and the other fails to acknowledge their part in our distress, then we have a right to protect ourselves with appropriate boundaries.

Sometimes that means a breaking off of a friendship, sometimes just spending less time together, sometimes making a shift in what is communicated and how much they are let into your life.

When we approach this crossroads in a friendship, there’s an aspect of self-protection that can feel very confusing.

I Put the Boundary Up, but I Still Feel Bad.

On the one hand, we know putting up the boundary is healthy and the only way to protect our peace. On the other hand, once we put it up, we don’t usually magically feel all better. Why is that?

In short, because it still sucks that we have to put boundaries up in the first place with the people we care most about (and thought cared about us). And maybe they do. Maybe they are just in a space right now where they are not able to see that despite their love for us, they are damaging the bonds that bind.

I’ll have clients tell me, “OK, I did the thing, I put the boundary up, and the person isn’t communicating with me anymore—why do I still feel so bad?”

What I tell them is that the next step is acknowledging their grief that the safety that was once there is not there any longer—or at least not right now. This is a loss. Grief accompanies loss, and we make space for it. The relationship mattered to you and likely still does; it’s painful to have to put up a fence and say, “You can’t cross this because I can’t trust you.”

We begin holding two seemingly opposite things to both be true.

Meaning we can know: I love this person and want them in my life. I miss them and care about them deeply. Our status right now makes me sad, mad, or hurt.

But we also know: I can’t rely on this person to consistently treat me gently and with care, and I have a responsibility to care for myself, which means separation from them at this time. My choice makes me feel safe and proud of myself.

Both statements can be true at the same time. Grieving in the case of the first and celebration in the case of the second can happen within the same space.

Surrounding Yourself With Support

While your relationships are in this transition, comforting yourself with other relationships in your life will be crucial.

Friends Essential Reads

The Problem With Friendship

How to Build Lasting Friendships

We’re not given as much permission for self-comfort as adults as we should be. We’re taught to white-knuckle it through the pain and misery. My professional opinion is—this is dumb.

We are all deserving of care and comfort, no matter how old.

Are there people you trust that you can share your pain with who will not argue your feelings with you? People who will simply listen and validate? You know the good ones because they will be slow to offer advice (but still do when needed) and quick to soothe and just sit with you.

Putting up these boundaries, while healthy, will carry with it pain, so don’t be surprised or scared when the cost of healthy boundaries appears. It doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It means you’re doing it right.

It will be a sticky transition and a learning curve. Have patience with yourself.

If you have other safe people in your life, please clue them into your pain. There is something incredibly healing about just having a person be witness to your pain. While they can’t carry it, they can see you in it and say: I’m not going anywhere.