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James Graham writes that there are two classes of survivors on substance abuse: those in recovery with frontline experience and “combat veterans” who have been exposed to the active addiction of loved ones over a long period of time. Battled-scared combat veterans experience crises, challenges, and chaos intrinsic to this disease.
Even when the battle rages with no end in sight, family and friends often intervene to try to minimize the damage. Family bonds are strong. Even sacred.
That’s why we may spend years trying to reason with and “fix” our husbands, wives, sons, and daughters. We lend them money, pay their bills, bail them out of jail, swallow their verbal abuse, make excuses for them, believe their lies and manipulations, and pray for their safety. We may even blame ourselves for their failings. We feel shame. We keep family secrets. Despite our best efforts to combat this disease, we fail. But we don’t surrender even though our lives are unmanageable.
We panic when the phone rings in the middle of the night. We worry that our loved one will become homeless. (I’ve paid for hotel rooms for my adult son on numerous occasions.) We bail them out of jail. (Been there, done that.) Some take charge of their grandkids when their parents are unable to care for them. We grieve for those whose loved ones died from an overdose like a dear friend’s 26-year-old nephew.
Many substance abuse victims finally hit bottom and embrace recovery. We combat veterans can too. But we need to recognize that transitioning from codependency to freedom is hard work. First, we have to acknowledge that we are part of the problem. Second, we have to seek help. Often this is difficult because addiction feeds on shame and secrets. And third, we have to be willing to change. And like toddlers learning to walk, it’s hit and miss. Eventually, with the love and support of a recovery community, we learn to walk away from the battle and stand firmly on our own two feet.
There are many resources and recovery communities available (see link) where we support one another and learn how to lead happy, healthy lives whether or not our loved ones are in recovery or active addiction. That doesn’t mean that everything’s rosy and that we don’t fall back into our old, unhealthy habits and behaviors from time to time. However, together we ease our burdens, applaud our triumphs, and celebrate our recovery. We can win the battle that has torn apart our hearts and souls.
A partial list of resources.
