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Key points
- Parents' summer-ending experiences will impact how they react to their children's return to school.
- The end of the summer brings a sense of loss of freedoms and contact with the people of one's summer days.
- Listen to the child's feelings about going back to school with openness and lack of judgement.
Molly, a 48-year-old mother of three, found herself lying in bed feeling sad and anxious. The summer was going very well, and her family had enjoyed a lovely holiday at the beach with everyone getting along. Even now, back at home, the warmth and unity she felt before continued. So what was going on that was causing the blues now?
Her husband Bob, asleep next to her, seemed so calm and relaxed that she wanted to let him sleep, but she knew that if she didn’t talk her upset over with him, she could easily ruin the day, and she so wanted the day to be special because their oldest son was going back to college the next afternoon. She certainly did not want Simon to be upset or annoyed with her during his last day at home because of her sad mood, and, anyway, Bob had slept enough! Though startled awake, Bob immediately recognized a pattern in his wife’s behavior and was surprised she was falling into it again.
The fact was, Molly did this each summer as autumn, school, and a return to routine came into view. Yes, their son’s imminent departure left him feeling sad. But he knew how much Simon was looking forward to his fall semester, and he would be home for the fall weekend soon enough. And it wasn’t like they would have loneliness and isolation with their 14- and 11-year-olds still at home! Why did this happen so repeatedly and predictably for Molly?
As he lay there listening, Bob remembered Molly’s history. Summer had always been an idyllic time for Molly and her family when she was growing up. Her father, a professor, was always home, and with no papers to grade and no classes to prepare, he was much more present and available. Her mother, with no need for school routines, no driving to and fro, and no homework to oversee while rushing to make dinner, was incredibly relaxed and fun to be around. Family life was so enjoyable.
Bob knew that Molly, an anxious student herself, had consistently described the end of summer as a terrible changeover. Her mother became the general again, and her father disappeared. Long summer nights turned into pressured September days as she got used to new teachers, organized herself with her sports and singing, and adjusted to working hard on her assignments, which did not go easily for her.
Why couldn’t Molly remember that their family lives were not like that? Their children were all good students and looked forward to school. He was home almost every afternoon and shared the pickups, homework, and especially the cooking. Fall evenings in their house were very different from those of Molly’s childhood.
It was clear that Molly’s experience as a child dealing with the end of summer was impacting her now as an adult and as a parent. Even though Bob, in his rational way, was correct that their family life was different and even though he had reason to be disturbed with his wife for her mood impinging on their summer pleasure, he understood how affected she was because her summers’ endings were historically so sad for her. Bob recognized the powerful role her emotional history played in Molly’s present. Unresolved feelings carried forward often can bring back old upsets. Interestingly, Molly’s being caught unaware of her impending strong emotion and its link to her past is a common clue of how unresolved and impactful a feeling and past experience can be. Fortunately for both of them, Bob’s patient, sympathetic listening proved very helpful.
Besides past experiences, why else might children and adults feel such a sense of loss as summer comes to an end?
We have found in our clinical practices that for children who are happy with their summer, it can be the loss of freedom and the ease of routine that contributes. For parents and many other adults, this can happen too. Who doesn’t love half-day Fridays? For children, saying goodbye to summer friends is sad. In that moment, school friends seem almost forgotten.
For parents preparing for the return to school, buying supplies and new clothes, and arranging schedules and carpools, change the pace from casual to extremely hectic. Getting your child to buckle down to do their summer reading and other school assignments can add stress for both. Children can feel this not-so-subtle shift and may push back against the pressure and general loss of freedom. For those whose summer did not live up to expectations, the time right before school starts again can be extra-sensitive, involving hard feelings which compound simple reactions.
Ending a period of time that has been pleasant, constant, and consistent can bring with it a sense of loss. For parents and young children, the end of summer and the beginning of a new program is a time of separation after a time of togetherness. For a young child, this may trigger anxiety about going off by themselves, and for a parent, it can bring anxiety over letting go. For parents and older children, there also can be anxieties. How will the upcoming school year go? Will the teachers be good? Will there be friends in class? The social and learning issues of the past will, once again, loom as major concerns. Over and over again, we have found that these anticipated issues give rise to strong emotions that can wreak havoc after a peaceful summer.
In an effort to bring everyone through this potentially difficult transition, we recommend some strategies to ease the changes and feelings that are involved.
Ahead of time, think through what the end of summer means to you. Like Molly, is there a background story for you that still plays a role in how you think and feel about the waning of summer and the beginning of the school year? Talk it out with a sympathetic partner or friend. Try to engage your memories and anxieties head-on. Clear your own head and heart before you engage with your child.
Keep space and time open to hear how your child feels about summer's end and school resuming. Remember, their experience may be similar to or different from yours. Try very hard to be non-judgmental as you explore and think about your child's feelings. You will have plenty of time in the coming days and weeks to comment, so it is best to give them the room simply to let you know their concerns as you listen in an empathic way.
Put aside your own expectations and fears for your child, so you can give their feelings center stage. When you do respond, make an effort to be sympathetic and reassuring. Be pleasantly optimistic, reminding them of past experiences in which they anticipated challenges with anxiety. This nervousness may not be a new experience.
Never negate a child's feeling, even if it strikes you as exaggerated. Instead, ask them to explain it more. Talking it through can often leave the child emotionally relieved and able to think more calmly and constructively about what worries them. Try to lend them your sense of how positive and productive their new year will be. Despite the changes, there is always something positive to anticipate.
Of special note is our recommendation that you share any special concerns you might have for your child with teachers before the start of school. Whether it is something academic or social that was an issue at the end of the previous school year, make sure you touch base with your child's administrator and new teacher so you can feel greater confidence that they will be well-informed about your child's particular needs. If something of significance happened over the summer, such as an illness or death of someone in the family circle, it is important that the school supports be informed about this in advance of school starting. This will help them to be alert for any sensitivity or emotionality your child might express while in school. We think it very useful to tell your child that this is what you have done so that they can approach their teacher and expect a supportive response should they find themselves upset while at school. This bridging from home to school can be very settling for all involved as the transition to a new academic year begins.
Epilogue
On this end-of-summer morning, Bob listened closely to Molly as she tearfully tried to explain how she felt. Recalling that Molly more easily in recent years was able to shift herself out of her upset feelings, he told himself to remain calm and just listen. Slowly, as she composed herself, he gently reminded her that she had felt this way before. He recounted stories from previous summers of how strongly she had balked at school shopping and earlier bedtimes. He even joked about how one summer she went on strike about cooking sit-down dinners, insisting that they continued their dinner picnics even when it started getting cold.
With this memory, Molly moved away from being tearful and began smiling about herself. He was right. For her, there was nothing like those summer months. But she agreed with Bob when he reminded her how enjoyably involved she would be by the time the leaves started turning. She loved that time of year, too.
That morning when they got out of bed, she looked at Bob gratefully. He really did understand her. While she knew she might still have some difficulty, she was glad she talked her emotions out and felt more in control of herself. There was still time left before they would really be back to routine, and there was a lot to enjoy between now and then. Molly also realized, now that her own emotions had subsided, that she was in a much better place emotionally to help her children deal with their own feelings about summer ending and going back to school.
