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Key points
- Anxiety is a common part of childhood grief as children feel their world is less sturdy and that other losses could happen.
- Anxiety in children may manifest as physical symptoms including headaches, stomachaches, and more frequent visits to the school nurse.
- Allowing children to feel the difficult feelings with their parent at their side builds resilience and hope.
Often when we consult after a family has suffered a loss, a parent will say something like, "Ever since my father died six months ago, my kids express quite a bit of sadness, but not all the time. I thought it would have passed by now. They still seem sad at times they know he would have been with us but now they seem more focussed on my health and check in to see how I am. When their father travels, they ask questions about the plane, you know, about takeoffs and landings. They wait around for his phone calls in the evenings. It’s hard to watch them go through this. I wish they didn't have to be so upset and worried. When will this stop?”
There have been so many losses in recent times, in our families and in the media. Children may have strong reactions to any of these—each child in their individual way depending on the immediacy of the loss, what other losses they have experienced, their general response to emotional upset, and, most importantly, their sense of you and how you are faring.
But how can you tell if your child is also experiencing anxiety interwoven within their grief? You know what anxiety feels like to you, but it may look different in your child and children may not be able to articulate their feelings clearly. Before you can help them, you need to understand your own grief and worries since you are supporting your children through loss as you learn to cope with loss yourself. This is why we always suggest that the first step towards helping your child is to know yourself. Ask yourself how you are feeling. Are you anxious, sad, relieved, angry, numb, worried, or exhausted? What feelings from prior losses might this loss be stirring? Knowing what you feel and need grounds you as you help your children sort out their feelings.
It is essential that you be able to separate your feelings and experience from your child's, so that you connect with him and his personal experience, rather than the experience of your own loss that you might recognize in him. We have found that a prominent feature of a child's response to loss often is anxiety. For children, the world has shifted on its axis and things can seem unpredictable and unsafe. They may worry that more losses will occur, especially that could involve you.
So, what are the signs that your child’s grief is accompanied by anxiety? Signs of anxiety in children are varied. Some may be familiar to your own experience like a racing heart or butterflies in the stomach, trouble falling or staying asleep, lessened concentration, being tense and uneasy, and feeling queasy. Children often express feelings in their bodies so they may also complain of diarrhea, dizziness, tiredness, and muscle aches. They may be going to the school nurse more often. They may be irritable or jittery or express fears of the dark, ghosts, or of getting lost.
As you look to your child, think about how they typically deal with emotions. Does she keep feelings bottled up or let them out, verbally or physically? Does he typically appreciate physical comfort or prefer to be left alone for a while? There is no one right way to grieve so ensure that they know whatever their way is, you do not judge it.
If your child is keeping quiet and to himself, connect with him every so often, letting him know that he is welcome to join you and that you appreciate how he likes to play by himself. If your child is not saying much but is acting differently, we encourage you to see if you can help by connecting what she is doing to what she may be feeling. For example, clinginess may be a show of anxiety and an expression of a need for closeness. You can say, " You seem worried that you are going to lose me, I am here. Would you like a hug?”
If your child has trouble sleeping, chews her nails, or fidgets a lot, teach her that these are signs of nervousness and worry. Talk out what she is nervous about. Common fears and worries are that you might die too, that friends won't understand what happened, that there isn't enough money now, that you might have to move. We encourage you to be honest and use familiar words. If you need to impart something scary or upsetting, say it as gently as possible yet be honest, and don't give false reassurances when you can't. Always offer the reassurance that you can and a reason for hope.
Though you naturally feel the pull to try to make your child’s difficult feelings go away, accept that this is a natural part of your children’s grief and not something you are doing wrong as a parent. It is important to understand that you usually do better for your children by letting them find their way as much as possible- with you at their side. Better they take the time, despite their pain, to discover what is soothing to them, than that you take the problem out of their hands.
All children need comfort and help, but they also need to be able to tolerate sadness and anxiety, develop resilience and learn ways to soothe themselves. Help your child put a name to his feelings. Giving your child the language to talk about feelings is a great gift. It enables your child to recognize a feeling when it is experienced again and to be able to communicate it to others more easily, and this helps him to cope moving forward. Suggest supportive ways of handling these feelings, such as breathing exercises, meditation, drawing, listening to music, and sharing his thoughts and feelings with those he is close to.
As much as we would like to protect our children from experiencing the sadness and anxiety that come with loss, we have found that children are best served by parents who give their children space to experience the painful feelings as they are compassionate and available. This can take a lot of tolerance and patience since no parent finds it easy to see their child suffering. A parent who supports their child learning how to cope with grief can also share in the working through of loss by spending close time talking. Remember that loss, grief and attendant anxiety take time to dissipate; change takes time to accept.
