Not Tonight, Dear

Low Desire

Source: wavebreak media / Shutterstock

Sexual intimacy plays an important role in emotional intimacy and relationship satisfaction. However, when sexual desire is mismatched between partners, the resulting dynamics can be complex and challenging. This is especially true for couples in which one partner struggles with sexual interest/arousal disorder. A recent study sheds light on how responses to sexual rejection impact the sexual and relationship well-being of these couples compared to couples in the general population.

What Is Sexual Interest/Arousal Disorder (SIAD)?

Sexual Interest/Arousal Disorder is characterized by a lack of sexual interest or arousal for an extended period, typically six months or more, causing significant distress to the individual. It is the most commonly reported sexual problem among women and a frequent reason for seeking couples or sex therapy. Partners of individuals with SIAD also experience lower sexual and relationship satisfaction, highlighting the disorder's profound interpersonal effects. As a sex and relationship therapist with over 15 years of experience, I can attest to how strong of an impact the style of rejection and response to being rejected impacts the couple’s sexual and relationship dynamics.

The Study: Investigating Responses to Sexual Rejection

A recent study aimed to explore how different responses to sexual rejection—when one partner declines the other’s sexual advances—affect the well-being of couples coping with low desire compared to couples within the general public. The researchers identified four types of responses to sexual rejection: understanding, resentful, insecure, and enticing.

Participants included 241 individuals with SIAD and their partners, as well as 105 couples in the community. They completed online surveys assessing their responses to sexual rejection, sexual satisfaction, sexual desire, sexual distress, sexual frequency, and relationship satisfaction.

Four Response Styles

Understanding responses: Understanding responses are characterized by declining sex while still reminding their partner that they are loved and cherished. Likewise, the partner who is rejected knows their partner still loves them and doesn't take the rejection personally. Participants who had understanding responses demonstrated higher relationship satisfaction for both SIAD and community couples. This suggests that fostering empathy and understanding in the face of sexual rejection can significantly improve relationship dynamics, even in the context of SIAD.

Insecure Responses: Insecure responses are characterized by getting upset or frustrated about having to say no to sex. Similarly, partners who have been rejected feel insecure or hurt about being turned down. Individuals who displayed insecure responses reported greater sexual distress, which resulted in lower sexual satisfaction, greater sexual distress, and lower relationship satisfaction.

Resentful Responses: Resentful responses are characterized by acting cold toward one’s partner and one’s partner acting cold in return. When individuals perceived greater resentful responses, they also reported lower relationship satisfaction. When partners of individuals with SIAD and community partners reported greater resentful responses, their partners reported lower partner-focused sexual desire.

Enticing Responses: Enticing responses are characterized by a “if at first you don’t succeed, try try again” mentality. When partners of individuals with low desire reported greater enticing responses, they also reported higher sexual satisfaction and higher partner-focused sexual desire, and the couple reported greater sexual frequency.

Implications for Therapy

These findings underscore the importance of addressing how couples respond to sexual rejection in therapeutic settings. Clinicians can help couples understand the impact of their responses and work towards more understanding and less resentful and insecure reactions.

When I’m working with a couple who is experiencing a discrepancy in desire, I always begin by coaching the lower desire partner to turn down their partner tenderly and kindly. I remind them that sex is an opportunity for love and connection, which can feel vulnerable to the one initiating it, especially if there is a history of rejection. It can soften the blow to say something like, “I’m not in the mood right now, but I’d love to spend some time cuddling tonight, and I’d be open to trying again tomorrow.” This gives the lower desire partner time to think about what conditions may need to be in place for them to be more receptive to their partner’s advances. Maybe they need a few things taken off their plate the next day, a better night sleep, more emotional connection, or just time to relax in anticipation of sex. They can then communicate these things to their partner and work together as a team to ensure the right parameters are in place.

Sex Essential Reads

Is Voluntary Celibacy on the Rise?

Is There a Polite Way to Ask for Casual Sex?

For the rejected partner, I advise them to be mindful of their reaction to being turned down. Acting cold, prickly, or pouty does nothing to arouse desire in one’s partner. It is important that they find healthy ways of coping with sexual frustration. As I explained in a recent video, rejected partners need to get to know and understand the frustration they feel. Usually, frustration happens when we think something should come easily and it doesn’t. In my years working as a sex therapist, I can attest to the fact that people often take sex within marriage as a given and stop putting in the effort they once did in the early days. Partners with higher desire should ask themselves what they’ve done to help their lower desire partners feel receptive to their advances.

By shifting the focus from the individual with low desire to the couple as a collaborative unit, therapists can foster a more supportive and empathic environment. This approach not only alleviates the burden on the individual with low desire but also empowers their partners to play an active role in improving their sexual and relationship well-being.

Conclusion

The study by Schwenck and colleagues highlights the critical role of partner responses to sexual rejection in shaping the sexual and relationship well-being of couples. By fostering more understanding and reducing resentful and insecure reactions, couples can navigate the challenges of mismatched sexual desire more effectively. This research underscores the need for a couple-based approach in therapy, where both partners are engaged in creating a supportive and empathetic relationship environment. Through such efforts, couples can achieve greater sexual satisfaction and stronger, more resilient relationships.