Are You Heteroflexible?

Source: Alexander Grey/UnSplash

One of the greatest myths about sexual orientation is that our attractions fit neatly into a distinct category, immutability defined as either “gay” or “straight.”

What science shows, in contrast, is that sexual orientation is multidimensional and beautifully complex. As Alfred Kinsey famously discovered, sexual attraction exists along a continuum that many people occasionally move across throughout the course of their lives. Who we are attracted to in our 20s (perhaps men!) might be different than who we are attracted to in our 30s, 40s, and 50s (perhaps women! perhaps men and women!) This is perfectly healthy and natural. Sexuality is fluid, just like many other features of our biology.

There are many options when it comes to how a person chooses to label their sexual identity, a decision that can only be made by that individual. For example, only you get to decide if you are straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, or some other label that feels right to you.

Importantly, a person’s sexual identity doesn’t have to always align with their sexual behavior. This is why a person who is bisexual doesn’t need to have had sex with multiple genders to “prove” they are bisexual. Sexual orientation is based on our attractions, not our behavior.

One newer label that accurately reflects what we know about sexuality and that has become increasingly popular is heteroflexible. A person who is heteroflexible identifies as being straight while acknowledging that they occasionally feel attracted to or enjoy one-off same-sex sexual experiences. Though similar to bisexuality and pansexuality, heteroflexibility is unique in meaningful ways, as described below.

Whether you are questioning your own sexual orientation or are motivated to better understand others', here are some fascinating things to comprehend about heteroflexibility.

1. Heteroflexibility is related to but distinct from bisexuality (being attracted to men and women and/or other genders) and pansexuality (not caring at all about gender when it comes to who you are attracted to.) The difference is that with heteroflexibility, a person maintains the identity of being mostly straight, with rare instances of feeling attracted to people of the same perceived gender.
2. Heteroflexibility is also distinct from being bicurious, which refers to a person who is straight but interested in exploring sexual experiences with a person of the same gender. Whereas bi-curiosity implies an element of discovery and exploration, heteroflexibility is more definitive. A heteroflexible person truly identifies as being mostly straight while simply enjoying occasional one-off same-gender sexual experiences.
3. Heteroflexibility reflects the multiple degrees to which a person can have same-sex sexual attractions. It’s different than bisexuality and pansexuality in that it doesn’t imply being equally attracted to all genders. For example, around 20% of women and 3% of men who identify as straight report at least occasionally feeling sexually attracted to people who are their same gender, perhaps in certain situations. Some may act on these attractions, and some may not. This doesn’t mean that they are secretly gay, lesbian, bisexual, or confused. It just reflects Kinsey’s original research demonstrating that sexual orientation falls on a spectrum, not into a category.
4. Hereroflexibility also reflects the fact that sexual orientation is fluid, meaning that for many people, it changes across their lifetime. Lisa Diamond’s work has illustrated, for women especially, that sexual orientation changes. In other words, bisexuality is not just a “phase.” In fact, Diamond’s work has found that more people are likely to change from being straight to bisexual than vice versa.
5. Heteroflexibility also reflects that sexual orientation often varies depending on the domain. As sexual configurations theory shows, it’s quite common for people to fantasize about having sex with genders that they would never be interested in having sex with in person. It’s also not uncommon for straight people to enjoy gay or lesbian porn. Again, this shows how sexual orientation is indeed multidimensional and fluid by nature.
6. Finally, heterosexuality reflects the fact that only you get to decide how to label your sexual orientation. You do not need to have sex with a certain gender to “prove” you are straight or gay or something else. Sexual orientation is defined by our attractions, not our actual behavior, which means it’s something only you can know and get to decide. For many, it takes time to find a label that feels right.

Heteroflexibility provides one more option that could feel right now or in the future. Give yourself permission to evolve and change and accept that we are all too beautifully complex and human to ever fit into a single box.