The Right Tool for the Job

In responding to comments on an earlier post, I realized that much of my writing could be boiled down to finding "the right tool for the job." Every tool has a purpose, and conversely, a place where it's of no help whatsoever. The same is true when it comes to emotional sobriety, spiritual seeking, and our physical well-being. Nothing is a panacea. We know that exercise will not help us cope with guilt, and psychotherapy won't increase our calcium, but in other less obvious ways we think that one pursuit will give us what we want in every area of life. Let's explore a few tools for health and wellness, how they are useful, and how they might be like taking vitamins for loneliness.

Service Work: Being of service means getting outside of yourself and helping someone else. It includes charity, sponsorship, even being a good listener. Showing up for someone else can reduce self-obsession; it can help with loneliness, and provide one with more self-esteem by doing "esteemable acts." These are just some of the benefits to being of service, and we aren't even talking about the good you are doing for someone else! You might be asking yourself: "How could service be anything but valuable?" Of course, service is never a bad thing, it just might not be the right tool for the job. For example, sometimes people are being of service because they are people pleasing. They don't know how to set boundaries and say "no." Sometimes people engage in "compulsive goodness" with the underlying motive of working out their perceived "badness." Or, sometimes people show up for others as a way of ignoring their own life. It's easier to tell someone else what to do than to look at the state of one's own affairs. These are not authentic expressions of altruism; they are more in service of avoidance. How do you know when being of service is the right tool for the job?

Prayer: Praying for guidance is a powerful expression of faith and connection to something greater. For people who engage in prayer, the benefits are plentiful. I don't want to suggest that there is a downside to the act of prayer. As is the case with most things we do, there is a shadow side to our actions; we can get caught up in magical thinking, avoidance, or unrealistic expectations related to prayer. People can believe that if they pray the right way, with the right words, with the right attitude, they will get what they want. It's almost as though God is a bank teller or a matchmaker. When the money doesn't come in, people can blame themselves for "not doing it right," or they are left feeling unworthy. I'm not here to knock the power of prayer, the existence of miracles, the law of attraction, or any other mystical experience that is far greater than what I might ever comprehend. I do want to point out that we don't always get what we want, and that doesn't mean that we are "bad." I personally believe that prayer needs to be tethered to some acceptance for what is. It also needs to be in balance with the other tools in our toolbox. I can pray to lose 10 pounds all day long, but if I'm sitting on the couch eating ice cream ...

Behavioral Change Techniques: Have you heard the saying, "we can act our way into right thinking?" The idea is that if we wait to feel like we want to do something, we may never do it. But if we force ourselves to do it anyway, we might end up feeling like we want to continue doing it, or at the very least, we are glad we did it. This is called "Contrary Action." We may not want to work hard, to be nice to others, or to do the dishes—so we take action that is contrary to our nature. Contrary action can be helpful in all sorts of areas like building self-esteem and motivation, overcoming limiting beliefs, and creating healthier patterns in our lives. But this too is not a catch-all. Contrary action can slip into "compulsive doing," with the hope of outrunning one's feelings. Like every other tool in the toolbox, there is a time and place where getting into action is of benefit. It doesn't mean that there is a suitable action-plan for every dilemma in life. Sometimes the best action is no action at all. If you are confused, you can force yourself to move in a certain direction, but you might end up back peddling when you get there. Sometimes it's best to sit tight, to tolerate the uncertainty, and trust that more will be revealed. I have to admit: this is a difficult one for me. I'm an action-oriented person, and not-doing is not my strong suit. But sometimes, that is the right tool for the job.

What is your go-to tool in the toolbox? When does it get the job done, and how might you be spinning your wheels? Ultimately, it's about checking your motives and remembering that we are multi-dimensional beings. Sit-ups will not give you arm strength any more than they will provide emotional maturity. What metaphorical-muscle groups are you more likely to exercise and which ones are you avoiding? Chances are, it's the tool you are least likely to use that just might be the right one for the job.

Ingrid Mathieu, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist and author of Recovering Spirituality: Achieving Emotional Sobriety in Your Spiritual Practice.

Follow her on Twitter or Facebook for daily inspiration on achieving emotional sobriety.

^{Copyright by Ingrid Mathieu, Ph.D., 2011. All rights reserved. Any excerpts reproduced from this article should include links to the original on Psychology Today.}