Permission to Be Human

When we are having a hard time in life, people can respond with the following:

• Have you read this book?
• Maybe you should try this nutritional supplement.
• Have you tried praying on your knees?
• It's not that bad, you should focus on all the good stuff in your life.
• What step are you working on?
• Do you have a sponsor?
• Do you have a good trainer, what about yoga, or therapy, or a green juice detox?

These statements can make us feel like we're not working hard enough—that we are doing something (or not doing something) that is causing our difficulty. As a therapist, I admit that I can sometimes fall into this trap. I come by it honestly in that I genuinely don't want people to suffer. I'm obviously not the only one because when I scan the Internet and newsstand, I see so many articles that offer solutions to our various problems. "Five Things That Will Make You Happy: Forever!"

The problem in providing so many solutions is that we can inadvertently blame people for their suffering. The message is, "you are not supposed to feel this way, now go and do something about it."

So, rather than write another post about what you can do differently, I wanted to offer a reminder that it's ok to feel bad. It doesn't mean that you are defective somehow. Heartbreak, mistakes, and troubles are going to come your way and these don't signal that you made a wrong turn somewhere. They mean that you are human, just like the rest of us.

Here are three things that will not change your circumstance for the better, but might let you off the hook of feeling bad in whatever you are experiencing:

1. Acceptance: Sometimes life is challenging. Accepting this fact can help remove the burden of guilt when we are struggling. Let's face it, we are at the mercy of this vast and mysterious universe and we aren't so powerful that we can arrange things to our liking.

2. Self-Acceptance: I know, this sounds a lot like number one but this is a slightly different form of acceptance. Self-acceptance means that instead of the constant negativity you tell yourself, you give yourself the benefit of the doubt. Give yourself a hug. I know that you are rolling your eyes right now, but I'm going to say it anyway: You are perfect just the way you are.

3. Share Your Feelings: Don't let the threat of unwanted advice stop you from sharing what you're experiencing. It can lighten the load when we share our turmoil with others. It's up to us to discern when the solutions people offer might be helpful, or when they are making us feel inappropriately responsible for our problems. When it's the latter, please remember numbers 1 and 2 and move on to someone else who can listen without judgment—who can help you have a sense of humor about it all.

It can feel like pouring salt in our wounds when we think we caused our painful circumstance, or that we are inferior for having a circumstance to begin with. If someone else is sharing their difficulty with you, I encourage you to remember the same. You might ask that person if they are looking for advice or if they just need you to listen. Most of the time, people know what they need and are happy to tell you. And we all deserve permission to be human.

Ingrid Mathieu, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist and author of Recovering Spirituality: Achieving Emotional Sobriety in Your Spiritual Practice.

Follow her on Twitter or Facebook for daily inspiration on achieving emotional sobriety.

^{Copyright by Ingrid Mathieu, Ph.D., 2011. All rights reserved. Any excerpts reproduced from this article should include links to the original on Psychology Today.}