Feelings, What Feelings?

One of the hallmarks of addiction is using substances or other behaviors to escape what you're feeling. Even in recovery, there are subtle ways that one can escape his or her experience. Perhaps you can identify yourself in these feeling-fleeing strategies:

Distract: "I checked Facebook two minutes ago, but maybe I should check it again."

We surf, tweet, and update ourselves right out of our feelings. The TV is on, the chocolate bar is in hand, and you're "just fine, thank you." If you are refreshing your e-mail every ten minutes and the only thing you're waiting for is the next group discount, chances are you are avoiding something.

Debate: "I have thought it through and come to the conclusion that it is for the best."

This is good ole' fashioned intellectualization—where you revert to what you think rather than what you feel. We can talk ourselves right out of our feelings, and we can be very convincing. We rationalize that we don't actually have to feel what's going on because there is nothing we can do about it, it is what it is, and that is that. So, what's for dinner?

Denial: "I have no idea what you are talking about."

This one isn't so obvious because your head is truly in the sand. You might identify denial in your life if everything is "Great," but upon further investigation you feel depressed, lethargic, headaches, and you are saying "It's all good" through gritted teeth.

Devotion: "If I pray the right prayer in the right way, or if I meditate long enough; all my problems will be solved."

Using spiritual practices to try and transcend the human condition is more about checking out then checking in. This is called spiritual bypass and it's another seductive way that we can escape from what is happening in the present moment.

So, what do we do?

Ask yourself, "if I was able to feel my feelings, what would I feel?" Sometimes, just giving yourself permission will conjure up some truth. Or, write on the top of a blank page: "If I wasn't afraid to feel my feelings, what would I be feeling right now?" Then keep the pen moving across the paper without stopping. Even if all you write is "bla bla bla ..." just keep writing. See if you reach a threshold where something authentic pops up.

However you check in with yourself, remember the saying: "feelings aren't facts." This doesn't mean that your feelings aren't genuine. It means that they will pass. I promise, you won't feel this way forever. It also means that your feelings do not define you. They are transitory, like the clouds gliding through the sky.

Lastly, remember that it is human nature to check out, and to use all sorts of strategies to do so. I'm not suggesting that you be hyper-conscious all the time. I don't believe that is even possible. But I do believe in seeking balance and asking questions of ourselves about the extent to which we are checking out. Raising awareness by just one degree can be a total game changer. Did you know that if you were flying a straight line from New York to the west coast, one degree of difference would land you in either Los Angeles or San Francisco?

So, what are you feeling anyway?

Ingrid Mathieu, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist and author of Recovering Spirituality: Achieving Emotional Sobriety in Your Spiritual Practice.

Follow her on Twitter or Facebook for daily inspiration on achieving emotional sobriety.

^{Copyright by Ingrid Mathieu, Ph.D., 2011. All rights reserved. Any excerpts reproduced from this article should include links to the original on Psychology Today.}