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If you study personal development, read self-help, or listen to motivational speakers, it is likely you will hear differing opinions on the value of diving into your past. If you have been in psychotherapy you may have already spent a great deal of time studying your past and working toward overcoming traumas or long-term issues.
My personal opinion on the matter based on my years in clinical practice is that in order to create a great life, you must examine both the past and your current situation. Examine is the keyword here, not remain stuck or analyze it to death. The information lurking in your past is actually the key that unlocks your future. Using this information wisely guides you in the right direction and prevents you from wasting time.
For example, if you suffer from low self-esteem as an adult, there is a good chance it has been around for a while. Same with low self-confidence and depending on others to make decisions for you. If you find yourself chronically angry or unable to be resilient, chances are you haven’t learned those skill bases. Fearfulness and all the other limiting emotions typically find their roots in your past.
You may have heard from others that you don't matter, that your thoughts or desires are silly, or that you really should just step back and let others do the thinking for you. Your feelings may have been invalidated by people who were or are important in your life, leaving you confused as to what to think or feel. When you are young, you value and absorb the messages handed down by parents, other caregivers, and peers.
If you don’t understand what is wrong or make the correct connections between your current emotional world and your past, then you don’t know what to work on. You may know you are unhappy or that your life is not satisfying. You may even know you have major issues that need correction. Getting a plan in place that takes you from those thoughts (Point A) to how you want your life to be (Point B) is how you get the job done. This is why it is important to have a plan that includes discovering the root causes or starting points of the problems.
So, how much of your focus should be on your past?
Time spent in the past should be focused on clarifying where and why you were given limiting messages that are now holding you back. Where did you first get the idea you were not as good as everyone else? Where did you get the idea that the world was a scary place that you couldn’t handle? When did you start letting others think for you? Why are you settling for a toxic relationship or toxic work environment? Those are the sorts of questions you want to explore and tear apart. If you think about it, most negative messages originate in the fear of the messenger, not in your abilities. They could even have been said out of cruelty. Understanding the motivation behind the messages is critical in neutralizing them.
Even parents who mean well can give erroneous information, thinking they are protecting you from disappointment or danger. They may have felt helpless themselves or lacked information that would have been helpful. They were most likely doing the best they could with what they had to work with.
When you learn new information such as there is no Tooth Fairy, you don't continue to believe it, you make adjustments and go on. That is exactly what you will do with all this learned misinformation about yourself. Why spend any more of your time limited in life by feelings of inadequacy and doubt based on messages with no basis other than fear, lack of knowledge, cruelty, or neglect?
Now for the Future
Now as you think about those messages in terms of your current obstacles, are you not achieving because you are convinced you will fail? Are you not achieving because you fear being ridiculed? Are you in an unhealthy relationship because you believe you can't do better? Are you blaming someone else for your difficulty when your focus should be inward? Are you blaming yourself for something that is not your fault? Trying to control something you can't control out of anxiety?
List out all the things you would like to change in your life and identify what is holding you back. Those are the things you will work on with a new mindset.
Neutralizing dysfunctional messages leaves big opportunities for your future. You will use your information to redefine yourself without limiting and restrictive beliefs. There is now a path where before there was a wall. The world becomes a wide-open space for you to partake of just like anyone else.
You may make some mistakes along the way, that is fine. You may choose some things or people that you find unfulfilling. That is fine too. It is a process, but now it is all your process! Once you’ve cleared up the history, you own your destiny.
You are going to explore the past in order to recognize and eliminate misinformation. Another goal is to acknowledge without shame the emotional skills you may not have learned. If you aren’t sure how to handle anger, make decisions, or manage your relationships, it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you; it is simply something you haven’t learned. You can easily learn what you need to know.
