Relationship Plasticity

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Up until the 1960s researchers believed that our brains were rapidly changing during infancy and early childhood, but stopped growing by early adulthood. Now we know better.

Newer research suggests that our brains continue to change throughout our lives in response to experience and learning.

In fact, people who have had strokes or who have suffered serious brain damage are often able to recover and experience incredible changes. Scientists refer to our brains' ability to change and grow throughout our lifespan “brain plasticity.”

In many ways, it is not surprising that our brains undergo continual change. After all, most of the cells in our body change throughout our lifetime. And if you think about it, the very nature of life is change.

Yet, when we think about our important relationships- with spouses, other family members and friends, we often believe that people can’t or won’t change and therefore, our relationships are static. We frequently cut off people from our lives because we don’t want to expose ourselves to “never-ending toxic” behavior.

But think about it.

If the only thing we can really count on in life is the inevitability of change, why are we so pessimistic about the possibility of our relationships transforming in remarkable ways over time?

They can. I know this firsthand.

When I turned 40, I called my older brother because I was lamenting the fact that we hadn’t spent enough time together in our adult lives to nurture our relationships and connect our growing families.

He lived on the East Coast, and I, in the Midwest. Yet, I felt certain each of us could try harder to build a connection. I was truly saddened by our lack of closeness. He was 44 at the time.

It’s not that we didn’t see each other, I would occasionally visit to see several family members, it’s just that those visits were infrequent and lacking any real intimacy.

His response was disheartening. He told me he thought it was too late.

Heartbroken, I resigned myself to accepting our familiar somewhat-distant relationship. Still, despite his reluctance to invest more into our relationship, I always adored my brother and sensed he felt the same way.

Fast-forward to today.

For a variety of reasons- more frequent visits to the East Coast to see my aging father, yearning for more family involvement due to the loss of our mother and anticipation of our 95-year old father’s passing, our increased wisdom about the importance of remaining close despite lifelong differences, my relationship with my brother has undergone a sea change that no one who knows us could have predicted.

We speak several times a week. We visit more often. We have plans to travel abroad together. We share in each other’s daily lives.

Given the value I place on close family relationships, I can truly say, “I have come home.” I couldn’t be happier.

What about you?

Other than your spouse, do you have relationships you’ve given up on because you believe “A leopard doesn’t change his spots,” or that trying to create a healthier relationship would be like, “beating a dead horse,” or “trying to get blood from a turnip?”

If our brains change constantly, we and the people in our lives can change too. And we can be the catalyst. We just have to know how and be willing to take a risk.

Author Anais Nin once wrote, “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. Life is a process of becoming…”

And it is.