The Path to Love: From Reassurance-Seeking to Real Connection

No judgment, but have you ever: Set up love traps for your partner to test their commitment? Compulsively checked their phone or location? Demanded constant reassurance about their feelings for you? Begged for validation from other people about whether you are in the right relationship?

There is no certainty in human relationships, but you can build trust and attachment over time by shifting your behaviors. Here's how:

Dancing together allows you to gaze into each other's eyes, which is deeply bonding.

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Asking for Reassurance vs. Honest Communication

Reassurance-Seeking
Constantly asking for reassurance from your partner or others about the relationship can create a cycle of dependency and insecurity.

Connection: Engage in Honest Communication
Share your feelings and concerns with your partner. Use "I" statements to express your needs without sounding accusatory. For example, "I feel anxious when we don't spend time together. Can we plan a night this week for just us?" This fosters an environment where both partners feel heard and understood, laying the foundation for mutual trust and security. Reflect on moments when your partner has been there for you and express appreciation for those times.

Comparing Relationships vs. Staying Present

Reassurance-Seeking
Comparing your relationship to other people's relationships or your past relationships can lock you into perpetual doubt.

Preparing a meal together builds intimacy. Create rituals that involve collaboration and presence.

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Connection: Focus on the Positive
John Gottman, marriage researcher, recommends maintaining a positive perspective. Focus on recognizing and appreciating your partner's positive actions and qualities. For example, compliment your partner about something they did that you appreciated, such as, "I loved how you helped me with dinner last night. It made me feel supported."

Testing Love vs. Asking for What You Need

Reassurance-Seeking
Testing your partner's love and commitment can create unnecessary tension and mistrust.

Connection: Express Your Needs Directly
Instead of setting up tests, create rituals of connection, such as sharing a daily highlight with each other. Say something like, "I feel disconnected when we don't talk about our days. Can we set aside 15 minutes each evening to check in with each other?" This reduces misunderstandings and allows your partner to meet your needs willingly. Understanding and expressing what makes you feel loved helps your partner show up with words of affirmation, acts of service, or physical affection that build secure attachment.

Seeking Validation vs. Building Trust

Reassurance-Seeking
Constantly seeking validation from friends or strangers about your relationship can undermine your self-trust and confidence.

Connection: Build Trust Through Actions
Trust is built through consistent, reliable actions over time. Share your insecurities with your partner and explain why you seek external validation. Together, set goals for nurturing trust, such as keeping promises or being punctual. Practice the DBT skill "Cope Ahead" by planning together how to handle situations where you might feel insecure.

Checking Phones vs. Expressing Gratitude

Have you ever searched through your partner's phone? Worried about what you might discover? This can be addictive for a person with betrayal trauma.

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Reassurance-Seeking
Repeatedly checking your partner's phone and location may be a holdover from previous betrayals that can damage your current relationship.

Connection: Cultivate Gratitude and Respect Boundaries
Communicate your need for transparency and honesty. Focus on positively reinforcing consistency and trust-building behaviors. For instance, send a text saying, "Thank you for always being so considerate." Respect their boundaries by trusting their words and actions unless there is a clear reason to doubt. Gottman's research emphasizes the importance of "turning toward" your partner's bids for connection rather than checking up on them.

Anxiety-Provoked Affirmation-Seeking vs. Discussing Future Plans

Reassurance-Seeking
Frequently seeking verbal affirmations about the future puts your relationship under pressure and creates a cycle of neediness.

Connection: Plan for the Future Together
Discuss your mutual plans and goals openly. For example, talk about where you see yourselves in five years and what steps you can take together to get there. Create a shared vision of your lives together. And keep communication open about changes.

Overanalyzing vs. Practicing Mindfulness

Reassurance-Seeking
Overanalyzing your partner's words and actions.

Connection: Stay Grounded in Reality
Practice mindfulness to stay grounded. When you catch yourself overanalyzing, step back and ask yourself if there is concrete evidence for your fears. Try taking your partner's words at face value. Psychotherapist Esther Perel suggests maintaining curiosity about your partner and asking open-ended questions about their day or interests to build connection without judgment.

Fear of Not Being Perfect vs. Trusting Your Partner

Reassurance-Seeking
Fearing that you are not the perfect partner and being afraid of closeness and vulnerability can hold you back from forming deep connections.

Always remember: You are in this together. It helps if you ask for what you need rather than hoping your partner will figure it out on their own.

Source: Victoria Strelka/Pexels

Connection: Embrace Imperfection and Trust
No one is perfect. Vulnerability and acceptance of imperfection are vital to intimacy. Balance opportunities for your partner to love you as you are with adjusting to meet the needs of the relationship. If your partner expresses hurt or concerns, listen without defensiveness and work together to address issues. Use DBT's "Radical Acceptance" skill to embrace your and your partner's imperfections, which can lead to a deeper connection.

Relationships Essential Reads

How to Protect Your Relationship With the '80/20 Principle'

How to Make Relationship Conflicts Feel Less Overwhelming

Shaming Yourself vs. Listening and Taking Action

Reassurance-Seeking
Shaming yourself for mistakes and over-apologizing can create a negative dynamic in the relationship.

Connection: Practice Self-Compassion and Constructive Action
Instead of shaming yourself, practice self-compassion. Recognize that everyone makes mistakes. Apologize sincerely when necessary, but also take constructive actions to make amends. For example, if you've hurt your partner, acknowledge their feelings, apologize, and discuss ways to prevent similar issues in the future. Relationship expert, Tammy Nelson suggests creating a "repair ritual" where both partners can express their feelings and work toward a resolution.

All of these suggestions require patience, self-awareness, and a commitment to healthier behaviors. Remember, trust is all about consistency over time. Also, focus on progress, not perfection. You can create a loving relationship based on secure attachment.

This is the second post in a two-part series on reassurance-seeking in romantic relationships. Check out "Why Do You Love Me?: The Quest for Certainty in Relationships." Share these articles with someone who needs them.