How Jealousy Can Nurture or Nuke Your Relationship

Source: Heather Mount / Unsplash

With Christmas and New Year’s Eve around the corner—two dates that are the most popular times for getting engaged, according to the BBC—I thought it might be nice to provide some relationship tips for keeping your relationship happy, healthy, and more secure should you decide to deepen your commitment this season.

Couples give many reasons for breaking up (e.g., “We grew apart.” “We weren’t compatible.” “The other person was unfaithful.”). You have probably heard these reasons and may have even said them yourself.

Yet when was the last time you heard someone blame the green-eyed monster?

“We broke up because they were just too jealous.” Or “I felt jealous and insecure all the time.”

Often, jealousy erodes a relationship and causes people to grow apart or to become incompatible due to incessant conflict. So, let’s take a peek into what causes jealousy and how different types of jealousy can make or break your relationship.

Believe it or not, a legitimate scale can measure jealousy. It is called the Mate Retention Inventory and can reveal if a person has cost-inflicting jealousy, benefit-provisioning jealousy, or reactive jealousy. Let’s break each one down and make it simple.

Reactive jealousy is what happens when the other person has violated the commitment and strayed outside of the relationship. Some couples may break up at this point. Some may stay together. I have seen couples attend therapy and work through their feelings of betrayal trauma while finding ways to come back together in a deeper and more emotionally—and sexually—satisfying way.

But this is about the jealousy behaviors that nurture or nuke your relationship, so let’s return to the other two types of jealousy.

Cost-inflicting jealousy is the green-eyed monster that breathes fire and destroys relationships.

People who experience cost-inflicting jealousy tend to control their partner and remain hypervigilant for betrayal. They seek out relationship threats like a malfunctioning heat-seeking missile that sees practically everything as a target.

This person is more likely to cross your boundaries by rummaging through your things, checking your phone, and tracking your whereabouts. They can take the jealous behavior further by controlling your time and requesting that you not hang out with friends. They may even put you down to others. In worst cases, they can get abusive, verbally demeaning you, and decimating your self-esteem.

Not surprisingly, cost-inflicting jealousy has been found to be the fuel that leads to intimate partner violence.

On the other hand, benefit-provisioning jealousy spurs behaviors that can maintain relationships. People who have benefit-provisioning jealousy tend to compliment their partner on a more frequent basis. They may lavish them with gifts and go to lengths to maintain the relationship with nice dinners and dates. Valuing stable and secure relationships is often at the heart of this type of motivation.

“You will find only what you bring in.” – Yoda

Source: Riku Lu / Unsplash

If, at this point, you are remembering the lessons of the dark versus the light side of the force from the great Yoda in Star Wars, I am giving you a big high five.

You may recall what cost-inflicting jealousy did to handsome Anakin Skywalker. Spoiler Alert—it turned him into Darth Vader, ending the greatest love story that could have been.

Don’t be like Darth Vader. Instead, get your jealousy in check. It can’t hurt to talk to someone if you’re really struggling with it.

On a more serious note, it is important to note that some people may have mental health issues and addiction issues that exacerbate their jealous response and corresponding aggressive behavior.

Jealousy Essential Reads

Is Jealousy Different in Transgender People?

How Envy Undermines Competition

Finally, Telli and Guler (2021) published promising research showing that more differentiated couples experienced greater marital satisfaction, forgiveness, and relationship adjustment. The concept of differentiation came from Murray Bowen, a pioneer in family therapy.

Bowen observed that people who were emotionally differentiated had a better concept of self and could balance togetherness in a relationship and maintain their individuality. Differentiated people did not lose themselves or their identity in relationships, which may relate to decreased jealousy. Ultimately, attaining differentiation is the goal of individual growth and maturity.

Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.