Are You Self-ie Absorbed?

It was shortly before church, Easter Sunday, 1993, and though Mom said I was dressed to the nines, I didn’t think so. I enjoyed dressing up, but something about my 8-year-old snappy attire and overall appearance that day didn’t sit well with me; this included a pair of black, spit-shined shoes, black dress pants, and jacket, carefully coordinated colorful purple socks which matched my freshly ironed purple, button-down dress shirt, and a freshly cut haircut to top it all off. I wasn’t happy though. I stood in front of the bathroom mirror unamused, as I just couldn’t put my finger on what was bothering me. Was it the uncomfortable dress socks suffocating my legs? Was it the renegade ‘Alphalpha’ pieces of hair coming apart from the intentional part in my hair? Maybe the color of my shirt? Maybe the fact that a smile eluded me upon seeing myself in the bathroom mirror? Regardless, I made it clear to Mama that this little man didn’t like what he saw looking back at him in that reflection. As I left the bathroom, walking down the hallway in a frustrated huff, I remember hearing her in the kitchen say to my Daddy in a hurriedly, pleading hushed voice, “Please, tell him he looks good!”

Though looking physically appealing is ingrained in us all, social media has instilled into many an alarmingly high level of self-absorption. These digital platforms provide men and women of all walks of life the opportunity to advertise themselves. They do this most notably through words in comment threads, status updates, private messages and group messages. However, the overall general consensus for communicating most clearly in these digital settings is through pictures. No longer is the picture being taken solely for memory purposes, so much as it is being taken for self-promotion purposes. Many are experiencing life simply to snap the right photo in an effort to receive likes and comments to support their self-absorbing, egotistical agenda; or, in other words: narcissistic personality.

Attributes of narcissism are grandiosity, an absence of compassion for others, and a desire for high regard from others. Though there are varying degrees of narcissism, brought on by even more factors, it can be spread through culture, similar to a virus. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve gone into the bathroom at my gym only to watch others walk out without washing their hands. Then, seeing them handle the same free-weights as me. Germs spread this way. Fact. The same goes for self-absorption. As men and women post consistent self-promoting photographs, and others observe them doing so, they too can catch this ‘bug.’ Before long, the large majority of society is posting self-promoting photos at a heightened rate, and those not posting, well, they’re the outcasts, rebels even.

Social Media’s Agenda

Social media offers photo-editing filters providing an opportunity to achieve an illusion of physical appearance. Many appeal to self-ego when these filters are applied; they feel good with these altering tactics that help them look extra physically fit and happy, and it feels even better when comments from others confirm this.

Fifteen years ago, if you were to take your Nikon CoolPix camera (which was the cool camera to have of course) and begin taking self-photographs of yourself, sending them to your friends and family every day, you’d be labeled some sort of a lunatic. Yet, what has happened, is that social media has tapped into culture’s individual and collective desire for celebrity-like status. That is, promotion through the continual posting of self-images, paints many as their own celebrity for their own social network circle, may it be 200 or 200,000.

When you post habitual pictures of yourself on social media— whether through bathroom selfies, the latest adventure, endless vacation photos, married date nights, gym-progress photos, Starbuck’s outings, a child’s baseball game; the list is endless—picture comments from others easily fuels unhealthy self-validation needs, rather than healthy affirmation needs that could be filled during these actual real-world activities. Social media knows you—how you think, feel, and act—it has a need: to garner advertisers. It knows your need: to feel valued.

Social media centers around one primary goal: promotion of the self. Posting pictures, which visually communicate the self endlessly, provides you the opportunity to set yourself on the pedestal of promotion. When you do this, your identity can easily be found in likes and comments from those in your online social networks. Your brain can be physically conditioned to thrive on validation, filling your proverbial cup of self-worth, from likes and comments. When your cup runs empty of likes and comments on particular days compared with, say, high amount of likes and comments from a previous day, you may begin to question your level of self-worth. The cup of validation is from culture; its levels are never consistent, and rarely in your favor.

It is easy to become slaves to online validation, wearing chains in the form of smartphones. The opposite of validation would be affirmation, which is hardly ever the culprit. In fact, affirmation is a manner in which many receive unconditional, face-to-face love the best, including yours truly. However, validation is affirmation’s evil twin. When you begin to rely on text messages, comment threads, private messages, tweets, and other social media communication to validate your self-worth, you can become easily addicted with the need to satisfy this validation need day and night by posting strategically taken self-photographs: whether they are solely of yourself, yourself with others, yourself doing adventurous things, yourself doing ideal things that paint you in a positive light, yourself in just the right pose to show off your physical body just right, and so on. Though posting one too many selfies is not [yet] labeled a disorder, the addiction, however, is real.

Research

Much addiction research is beginning to support that many cannot be apart from their smartphone, which connects them to their ‘social’ network, for too long before exhibiting withdrawal symptoms similar to drug, alcohol, and gambling withdrawal symptoms. It has been documented that many regular social media users cannot go longer than a few minutes without feeling the need to click the home button on their smartphone, just to see if they’ve received a social media update.

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Additionally, a growing amount of alarming research greatly supports the notion that social media app developers are harnessing the power of the brain, specifically our cognitive processing, in an effort to further prevent us from pulling ourselves away from online social networks when we’re on the go. Smartphone app. algorithms will withhold likes and comments for pictures that you post of yourself for a predetermined period of time. At just the right moment, this algorithm that has been created just for you, based on your individual social media behavior, will disclose these likes and comments in order to stir the release of dopamine in your brain. That is, this same “pleasure hormone” that is released during sex, when gambling, and using drugs, is the same hormone social media app. developers, seek to tap into to continue to harness your continued use. In turn, your personal and relational life is adversely affected.

When you post a picture to social media, over and over and over again, reading comments and likes, over and over and over again, you are fulfilling the need to receive validation from others for the photographs you post. Much research indicates this may alienate you from your face-to-face affirmation opportunities from others—either giving or receiving—as you can easily become caught up in receiving online validation instead—caught up in your own self-glorification, rather than inspiring others in your day-to-day relationships.

A key element of thriving relationships is the laying down of the self—promotion, absorption, advertisement, esteem, and advancement. Social media has a hidden agenda. They can achieve their goal when self-promotion supersedes otherness—that is, focusing on the needs of a spouse, child, family member, friend.

Avoiding posting pictures on social media like the plague is NOT what I am saying. What I am saying is this: participating in real-world events and activities solely so you can post them on social media distorts perceived understanding of your reality. When you cannot go but a few minutes without checking your phone, let alone a few hours without posting a picture to social media, you venture into dangerous waters of addiction, and in this addiction, as with substances such as alcohol, drugs, and gambling, you harm others in your face-to-face relationships.

Much research indicates smartphone, social media, digital media usage damages, and often, destroys relationships. Just as it took much research into proving the devastating physical effects of cigarette smoking, before the American people and Surgeon General caught on decades ago, so it will be the same for electronic media on the brain and relationships for people to realize there's an issue needing addressing.

In practical terms, marriage relationships lack opportunities to strengthen when smartphones lack will power to be put down. Parent-child relationships suffer when the parent or the child desires social media profile time over family hang-out time. Potential marriage relationships cannot develop properly when smartphones dominate the conscious minds of each partner during a conversation. Friendships remain largely in cyberspace through the exchange of pictures through social media. Vulnerability and disclosure needed to develop and maintain these relationships are sacrificed when a greater emphasis is put on social media communication than on face-to-face.

So, what should you do?

Should you stop posting pictures to social media? Not necessarily. The answer is stewardship. Self-photograph communication needs to be stewarded well so as to take the focus off of the self. It is so easy to become self-consumed that you take your eyes off of others and off of living your life authentically and intentionally.

Here are a few steps you can take to help take the focus off the self, though it will take work:

• If you’re one who posts countless pictures to social media on a daily basis, it will take re-conditioning to limit this. That is, you’ve created yourself a habitual routine. With any habit, you need to take time breaking that routine just as you did creating it. Try uninstalling social media phone apps. Make it a goal to only access your profiles from a laptop or desktop. Cravings to download them again will arise; do your best to exercise self-control. Give it time, as these withdrawal symptoms could last from a few weeks to a few months and beyond. Instead, download an app (s) with educational and creative value that strengthens your mind productively, rather than conditioning it domineeringly.
• Take one week off from all social media. Keep a daily journal, and log how you are thinking, feeling, and acting, both within your own mind (self-communication) and with others. Make note of any struggles you are having staying away from posting pictures to social media. Make note of any successes you’ve had as well. After one week, have an honest conversation with yourself. Make adjustments to your social media habits accordingly.
• When hanging out with friends and family, do your best not to think about how you can take a picture just to post it to social media. If you are going to take a picture, simply take it to save for memories (save to your phone, computer, or print it off). Otherwise, enjoy the company of your friends and family. Enjoy the moment.
• Keep your phone in your pocket or purse when meeting with friends and family. When that phone is laying on a restaurant dinner table or coffee table, you’re subconsciously telling those you are with that you do not value their company as much as you value the digital company in your phone. Regardless if you check your phone or not during your time with them, you potentially are communicating yourself selfishly to them. Other than extenuating circumstances, you do not need to keep your phone visible to others.
• When you do post pictures, post them appropriately. That is, do not post inappropriately clothed photos. There are many body-image issues arising from this trend of posting, for instance, post-gym progress pictures. Not to mention a hyper-narcissistic view of the body that can detach you from friends, family, and personal goals, seeking perfection in physical appearance, which is a lonely goal.
• When you are tempted to post a picture to social media, ask yourself why you are posting that particular image (s). Is it for self-promotion? Are you trying in any way to boast when you post? This will require honesty on your part. What many people do by posting a catchy quote, or simply a witty statement below a selfie, whether appropriate or not, is an attempt to manipulate the viewer of that photograph; taking the attention off their obvious [should be] self-absorption, and communicating false realities (e.g. taking 15 photos in your dorm room in the morning, after you’ve had time to comb your hair and put on some nice clothes, only to include the caption, “Just woke up, I look a mess!”). You’re only fueling your need for validation while communicating falsely to the world. There are plenty of moments when a picture (s) is needed to communicate. But there are plenty of moments when pictures can simply remain in the photo library of your smartphone.

Social media picture posting is not in and of itself detrimental to self-growth. But, when not stewarded well, as with anything, it can be the destruction of the self and relationships with others. Many need to re-evaluate where their identity is being placed, whether in the validation from others on social media through pictures or through the affirmation that can be obtained from more substantive areas of life.

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For more articles written by Zack Carter, Ph.D., regarding how to steward well your communication in an effort to improve your self and your relationships, please check out his Psychology Today blog column by clicking the link below:

Clear Communication: Avoiding Blindspots in Your Words and Actions:

Clear Communication deals with the day-to-day blind-spots in communication. Blind spots in communication are defined as those thoughts, words, or actions you may or may not be cognizant of as you live day-to-day, but often times can negatively affect you and others in the long run. Want to know how to avoid communication blind spots in your personal and relational development? By raising your awareness of these blind spots, in both every day and in social and digital media settings, you can potentially elude relationship heartache and devastation. Achieving relationship success in this 21st-century environment requires healthy, consistent communication stewardship. This blog will help you learn about how to apply social psychology in your personal and relational settings to avoid these blind-sided communication moments. My goal is to educate my readers on how strategy and intentional communication behaviors are necessary to the development and management of your self, and your relationships.