Inspiration for Change

It’s May. Most of us have already forgotten about the resolutions we abandoned sometime back in January. The easiest thing would be to just forget about it and try again next year, right? Maybe not.

It's not too late to tap back into that sense of inspiration you had on January 1st. And it's not too late to make your desired changes or at least explore what got in the way of your new habits and why. Here, I offer three ways to explore your specific situation and how you can use these reflections to learn and grow any time of year:

Clarify Your Why

Why did you select the goals you did for this year? Why are they important to you? Habit change is hard. Changes that stick do so because the reason behind them is stronger than the urges to engage in your old habits. Explore your why using some of the following journal prompts:

• Write down what your life will look like if you adopt your new habits. Be as detailed as possible and include the emotions you and others around you may feel.
• Write down what your life will look like if you don’t. Again, use as many meaningful details as possible, including the emotional experiences.
• Ask yourself how important it is for you to make the desired change on a scale of 1-10 (with ten being the most). If your rating is a one, you probably don’t have good enough reasons for this change. So let it go. You have better things to worry about.

But if your rating is greater than one, list your reasons for why your rating is greater than a one. Why isn’t it just a one? Write down why change is important and in what ways you are ready. Make this list as personally meaningful and detailed as possible. Store it somewhere convenient so you can reference it down the road.

• For example, my goal in the new year was to pay attention to my diet and incorporate more fruits and vegetables and fewer processed and refined foods. (I know, not a very smart goal). If I were to imagine what my life would look like with these changes, I like to imagine myself walking on the beach with my grandkids and feeling energetic, healthy, and grateful.

When I imagine what the future might look like without these changes, I imagine myself dying without seeing my children get married or meeting my grandchildren. I imagine my children wishing they had parents to help them with their babies.

With these in mind, the importance of this change is clear. I would put it at an eight on a scale of 1-10. And the reason why it’s so high is that I love my children and want to continue caring for them as long as I am alive. I don’t want to burden them financially or emotionally in ways that I have the power to avoid.

Also, I want to wake up feeling strong and energetic to enjoy every minute of life I have. I keep this list by my bed and look at it in the mornings before starting my day.

Understand Your Cravings

According to Buddhist psychology, craving is at the root of suffering. Craving takes many forms: we may crave a new outfit, for our boss to be different, for habit change to be easier, etc. Cravings are quite uncomfortable, and we soothe this discomfort with some action, usually with behavior that distracts us from the feeling and provides temporary pleasure. The behavior often doesn’t map onto the craving at all.

For example, we may buy something we don’t need, have a second helping of dessert, or binge-watch a show when we really crave a connection to others. Whatever we do, if it works temporarily to soothe the discomfort of craving, the behavior gets reinforced, so we are likely to do it again. Unfortunately, when we do this cycle on repeat, not only does the behavior become hardwired in our brains, but the root craving also persists.

So when we eat that second bowl of ice cream because we are craving something subtle and not easy to identify – like the connection with another human – we not only set ourselves up for more sugar cravings, but we also don’t make the meaningful changes needed to satisfy the real craving inside. To address this, I recommend:

• Urge surfing. To break free of this cycle, we need to understand it. To do this, slow down and observe what is happening in your body and mind when craving an old, undesirable habit. For example, if your urge is to eat ice cream at night, explore what that urge actually feels like. What are the sensations in your body?

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What are the thoughts and feelings coming up? Sit and notice the sensations with full attention and curiosity. You will notice the urge comes and passes in a wave. Do this for several days in a row, and you are likely to discover that you can be with the feelings and urges without having to act.

• Take this one step further and see if you can identify the real need behind the urge. Are you bored? Tired? Thirsty? Needing physical or emotional connection? Experiment with doing something different than usual and mindfully notice any changes in your urges and behaviors.
• Don’t worry about getting this “right.” Just use this as a chance to get to know yourself better.

Be Compassionate

Sometimes our goals falter not because we don’t have good reasons or can’t resist temptations, but because we don’t really believe we deserve better. We judge ourselves harshly for our failures, using terms like “lazy” and “stupid.”

When we treat ourselves as lazy and stupid, we act accordingly. To achieve better things in our lives, we have to approach our mistakes and failures with compassion and curiosity about what happened and why. When we can explore our shortcomings compassionately, we can see what really happened and make meaningful changes.

To get started, try this:

• Explore what gets in the way of the changes you want to make with curiosity rather than judgment. What happened before or after the behavior you wish to change? Are there identifiable triggers (e.g., people, places, events)? Use a scientific mindset and genuine curiosity to look for patterns. Write it down or track data in a daily journal if no pattern or predictability is obvious.
• Use facts to describe events (e.g., “I ate three cookies”) instead of judgments (e.g., “I pigged out”). Avoid words that trigger shame, regret, and disgust by sticking to the facts and trying to evaluate the situation neutrally.
• Think about your behavior as you would that of an innocent child who doesn't know any better. What makes sense about this child's behavior? What need is being met with the behavior or habit? What kind of support would help this child make a different choice? Bring that same compassion to your situation.

It's normal for our motivation and sense of inspiration to wax and wane. But we can shore up inspiration with intentional effort and use thoughtful self-reflection to explore where we have gotten stuck in the past and what to try for a different outcome.

Any growth in compassionate self-understanding will support habit change now and down the road, so take your time and dig in!