Feeling Envious? Learn How to Use It for Good

Source: Kyle Broad/ Unsplash

There are those workday mornings when the kids are en route to their respective schools and I am dashing out the door to my car, loaded down like a modern-day Sherpa with a briefcase, handbag, and lunch box dangling precariously from my shoulders.

As I pull out of the driveway, I glance over at my neighbor as she strolls back home from the bus stop, coffee mug in hand and ambling dog in tow. We each wave and extend a genuine smile goodbye.

As I catch my breath and settle in for the short commute, I notice an uncomfortable tug of envy in my chest, as jealous thoughts begin to bubble up inside. Man, I would love to have time in my schedule to meander about, lie down for an afternoon nap, peruse a magazine, and relish the freedom from deadlines, work schedules, and infinite e-mails.

I detect the emergence of envy for my friend’s relaxed pace, the fresh air and sunshine I imagine she has all morning to bask in, the stay-at-home schedule wide open in front of her until her kids arrive home some seven and half hours later. Sheepishly, I catch myself, sigh, and coax my mind back to reality and the literal road in front of me, and then I commence the self-judgment. What is wrong with you? I admonish. You know her life is not all free time and bonbons nibbled decadently on the couch. I do know.

This current object of envy is also one of my very best friends. She is an attentive, loving, carpooling mom who also single-handedly keeps her household operating smoothly.

Hold on there, my inner voice of reality booms firmly but kindly, you know exactly what this is about. For better or worse, the green-eyed monster of envy is not unfamiliar to me, creeping in every so often when my life balance has tilted too far in one direction. Thankfully, though, I have learned to recognize its appearance as an invaluable source of information if I am willing to examine it, and myself, with honesty.

Though unpleasant and powerful, envy can also clue us into what is missing in our lives. Lo and behold here is that green-eyed monster again.

I ask myself, What is it you are craving? The answer appears with surprising ease: I crave free, open, unscheduled time. Period. Not the imagined naps, not the magazines, not the work-free life.

I am simply longing for more spaciousness in my calendar. When I can pause, take a step back, and examine my thoughts and emotions objectively, the bigger picture emerges with clarity. With this bit of curious investigation and acceptance, the potentially destructive green-eyed monster skulks away. My focus turns to reality, instead of assumptions and solutions, instead of resentments.

It is only in naming our internal dialogue and feelings that allows us to tame them. Once I have acknowledged the existence of my thoughts and feelings, however unwelcome and humbling, I am free to choose what to do with them. Without the recognition of and owning up to my less-than-admirable musings, however, the potential for a palpable rift between my friend and me is likely; envy positions itself firmly between the two of us, allowing those feelings of jealousy and resentment to fester.

This brief pause to gain a wider perspective not only alerts me to the green-eyed monster but also reminds me that the proverbial grass is not always so green, opening up the perfect opportunity to reconnect with why I work (besides the financial need) and why I’ve opted for this particular career. Helping others is one of my most deeply held values. The benefits far outweigh the costs.

It is imperative not to compare the downsides of our lives to the perceived upsides of someone else’s. Life happens to everyone; we all face daunting challenges at some point.

Letting go of comparing allows me to return to the true source of my envy in the first place—the imbalance, the longing, the simple desire for more white space on my calendar. Instead, I can put some problem-solving skills to work: How can I act on this realization? Where, precisely, can I carve out a bit of downtime and a sense of freedom?

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Since that morning in the driveway, I have been more conscious about taking slow, mindful walks in the sunshine and periodically shutting down the computer a bit early to simply sit and allow my mind to wander. I harbor no great delusions, though, that I am free of the green-eyed monster’s return. He will be back, I am sure. I will be waiting and curious to see what I can learn.

5 Tips to Tame the Green-Eyed Monster of Envy:

1. When you notice a twinge (or more like a punch in the gut) of envy, congratulate yourself for catching and owning this very human reaction, perhaps even thanking it for bringing such valuable information to light. Only when we are aware, can we choose our response.

2. Pause to consider what the green-eyed monster is hoping to communicate. Sometimes the first answer is not the most enlightening. Keep asking.

For instance, it may initially appear we are jealous of someone’s wealth, but when examined more deeply, we might uncover our true longing for financial security, less worry, or more positive social regard.

3. Let go of comparing yourself with others, as this is essentially juxtaposing the outside of someone else with the inside of ourselves. Our comparisons are not exactly fair or accurate and are bound to be a fruitless exercise in frustration. Firmly but kindly coax the focus back to yourself, heaping on a healthy dose of self-compassion and positive self-talk.

4. Take some action on your behalf. You have bravely identified what it is you are craving; now what steps will you take to ameliorate it? What is the smallest, most easily accomplished move you can make toward fulfilling your longing? Start with that.

5. Do not fear the green-eyed monster. He is a prevalent, and if handled skillfully, benevolent visitor to us all.

Excerpted from Don't Forget to Breathe: 5-Minute Mindfulness for Busy Women (The Experiment Publishing, 2022).