Carried Shame and Betrayal

One of the most common questions I hear from betrayed partners is this: “What does the infidelity say about me?”

In this revealing question, betrayed partners are asking, “What does it say about me that I was cheated on? What does it say about me that I still love the person who cheated on me? What does it say about me that I want to try to save my relationship? What does it say about me that I want to leave the relationship?

At the heart of these questions is a feeling of shame. This shame latches on to how betrayed partners feel about themselves. Shame attaches to the heart and taints their most significant relational longings, desires, needs, hopes, and wants with self-doubt, critical judgment, and insecurity. This shame can haunt betrayed partners, dogging their steps and making them question decisions about themselves and their relationship.

Shame Is Relational

In her book Understanding and Treating Chronic Shame, Patricia DeYoung describes shame as a phenomenon that occurs when we experience relational disconnection in a moment of need. DeYoung says, “Shame is the experience of self-in-relation when ‘in-relation’ is ruptured or disconnected.”[i] As a result, shame is not an individual phenomenon. It is a relational dynamic that occurs between two people.

Carried Shame

It is important to differentiate shame from guilt. We feel guilt when we have violated our own value system and our conscience pricks at us. We "feel guilty" and regret what we have done. This guilt is helpful because it lets us know when we are hurting ourselves or someone else. It helps us live in a manner congruent with our value systems.

Shame on the other hand is toxic. Toxic shame, rather than attaching itself to our behaviors and helping us to correct ourselves, attaches itself to our sense of worth and value. “I did something I regret” becomes “I regret who I am.” “I did something bad” becomes “I am bad.” Toxic shame, over time, starts to define our self-perception and leads us to feelings of worthlessness and unlovability. It can begin to define the narrative or story we tell ourselves about who we are.

Shame and guilt operate within relationships in diametrically opposed ways. DeYoung, talking about studies regarding the difference between guilt and shame, sums it up perfectly: “Shame emerges from their studies as an emotion and cognition that has destructive implications for interpersonal relationships, whereas the capacity for guilt is a relational strength.”[ii] Guilt is necessary for facilitating healthy behavior and repair, amends, and healing in relationships. Shame destroys relationships by creating relational walls and power imbalances.

When people are being shameless, they are not in touch with the healthy guilt that would make them stop, consider their behavior, and perhaps choose a different course. As a result, shame attaches to the victim of the behavior as toxic carried shame.

In infidelity, the cheating partner is often behaving in a shameless manner by violating relationship agreements. They have lost connection to the healthy guilt that might prevent them from becoming offensive in their relationship. This then turns into toxic shame and spills over onto the offended party (the betrayed partner), who ends up carrying the shame about the infidelity.

Most betrayed partners experience this transfer of shame, but they usually don’t realize it has happened or they don’t realize it is carried shame that does not belong to them. In addition, carried shame can attach to so many different parts of the self that it often affects many different things at one time. Here is a list of ways betrayed partners can experience carried shame:

• Physical beauty and sexual desirability: Carried shame causes the partner to feel deficient, flawed, or "not enough."
• Sexuality: Carried shame causes the partner to feel deficient about sexual desires, sexual behavior, sexual expression, etc.
• Trust: Carried shame causes the partner to feel like a fool for having trusted their partner and ashamed for not knowing what was happening in the relationship.
• Lovability and inherent worth: Carried shame robs partners of their sense of value, creating deep insecurity about who they are and whether they are lovable, acceptable, and worthy.

Shame Essential Reads

“Cringe” and New Online Forms of Shame

Shame (in Moderation) Is Good

Giving Back Carried Shame

Because carried shame is not about you and does not belong to you, it cannot be healed by working on it within yourself. The way you heal from carried shame is to release it back to the person it belongs to or to the universe at large.

We do not do this by shaming the other person in return. When we shame someone else, we ourselves are being shameless and simply moving from a power-under position into a power-over position, which keeps the toxicity alive in our relationships. Instead, we give shame back by releasing ourselves from the burden of carrying it and the beliefs about ourselves that it holds.

One way to do this is to make a list of the ways you are carrying the shame for your partner around the sexual betrayal. Take some time to think about the ways you have allowed your partner’s behaviors to affect how you think and feel about yourself. This is what carried shame is—the change in your self-perception that results from someone else’s behavior. Here are some examples:

• I carry shame around my partner’s lying and deceit by believing I am a fool for trusting them.
• I carry shame around my spouse choosing to have sex with the affair partner by believing I am not beautiful or sexy enough for my partner to remain faithful to me.
• I carry shame around my partner’s addiction by believing there is something wrong with me that caused me to marry an addict.
• I carry shame around my partner’s cheating by feeling embarrassed about my sexual preferences and expression.

Writing a Letter

Once you have a list of the ways you are carrying shame, it is time to write a letter to give the shame back. This is not a letter you will read to your partner, as this exercise is not about your partner. Your partner does not have to accept responsibility for you to stop carrying shame about their behaviors. It is your choice and your choice alone whether you continue to carry or release the shame of betrayal.

This letter is intended to set you free and help you discharge the burden of carrying shame. It is intended to release you from the limiting beliefs and lies betrayal has told you about yourself. So, get yourself a cup of tea, coffee, or chai, and find a comfortable place to sit. Take some time to do this piece of work around carried shame—creating a list of ways you are carrying shame and then writing a letter releasing shame or giving it back. Take as much time as you need, as this list and letter often require more than one sitting. Be as specific as you can. Be willing to face and feel the shame. And then, gently, with great love, lay it down and let it go.