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If you're following this blog, you've probably noticed that I'm a big fan of OCD metaphors--doubt bullies, octopuses chewing doubt-nuts, Director Doubt--I've got a (hermetically sealed) closet full of them. In my travels, I've found that such often-silly imaginings afford me my best chance to convey the complexities of life with OCD--especially since my perspective is not that of a scientist, but rather that of a "consumer" (as we with mental health challenges are known in the medical world). The risk, of course, is oversimplifying and over-generalizing some rather abstract concepts. Still, if you'll indulge me, I'd like to share with you yet another metaphor--one that I believe best captures the state of mind in which those of us battling this disorder can all too often find ourselves.
The Shadow of Doubt
Imagine, if you will, a giant, sweeping shadow--cold, dark, and seemingly endless in every direction. The faintest hint of light glows in the distance, and a bitter wind whistles as it makes its way across the unforgiving tundra.
Now, put yourself smack dab in the middle of this shadow. Standing alone in the blackness, you are lost, disoriented, and all but paralyzed by fear. A taunting "what-if?" thought crosses your mind and begins eating away at you: What if I get stuck in this place forever? The notion makes you shudder. Your anxiety grows and so too does your determination to find a way out.
Suddenly, you notice something on the near horizon: a shiny hatch of some kind that seems to beckon you. Still immobilized, you ponder your options, only to be taunted again by an invisible bully. What if this door offers you your only way out? Your gut tells you to be careful, but the taunting continues: What if you pass up this opportunity and you'll never be able to escape this discomfort? Impulsively, and against your better judgment, you make your way toward the door, all the while knowing at some core level that you've made this mistake before and you are again headed for trouble.
Standing over the hatch now, you pry it open, greatly relieved that you have found your way out. Ever so carefully, you step inside, and for the briefest of moments all is right with the world. Gone is the anxiety and the all-encompassing fear.
Ahhhh!!!
But then in an instant you find yourself falling, tumbling again and again into the darkness, deeper and deeper. Your fall ends with a thud and, dazed and disoriented, you take in the new landscape: more darkness everywhere save for the dim outline of a nearby hatch. Again, the taunting begins: What if this is the door that can lead you out? You remind yourself of what just happened when you climbed through the last door, but as you do the taunting continues: What if you stay stuck here FOREVER? That prospect is unacceptable, so you make your way to the hatch. Before you know it you are falling helplessly again...
Trapdoors
Pop quiz: If this Shadow of Doubt I've just described is a metaphor for the OCD state of mind (at least when triggered by obsessions), then what do the trapdoors represent?
Tick.. tick.. tick...
If you answered "compulsions," go to the head of the class!
When consumed by our obsessions, those of us with OCD become stuck in (the Shadow of) Doubt. It's a miserable, extremely uncomfortable "place," so we look for ways out--in hopes of relieving our discomfort. Our compulsions seem to offer us escape, so we pursue them, again and again, only to find each time that they take us that much further into our doubt.
So, what do these trapdoors look like? In reality, their labels and characteristics are endless and are unique to our own particular shadows. That said, though, I also think they can be broadly categorized into six common ones, as detailed below:
Trapdoor #1: Checking
Definition: physically searching for verification that some feared consequence did not, or will not, happen.
Sample compulsions:
> Repeatedly checking that your kitchen appliances are turned off (in hopes of verifying that they won't cause a fire).
> Turning your car around to inspect a roadway after running over a pothole (in hopes of verifying that you didn't run someone over).
Trapdoor #2: Reassurance-seeking
Definition: asking for the assurances of others that some feared consequence did not, or will not, happen.
Sample compulsions:
> Calling a friend repeatedly to ask if she's okay (in hopes of verifying that you didn't get her sick)
> Asking your spouse if he remembers seeing you at home last night (in hopes of convincing yourself that you didn't unwittingly go out and rob a bank).
Trapdoor #3: Ruminating
Definition: mentally replaying events, conversations, and other sequences in search of verification that some feared consequence did not, or will not, happen.
Sample compulsions:
> Mentally reviewing a conversation you had with a friend over lunch (in hopes of verifying that you didn't say something offensive).
> "Replaying" in your mind your last steps before leaving the house (in hopes of verifying that you actually locked the door).
Trapdoor #4: Protecting
Definition: performing rituals (such as repeating patterns) and acting in unproductive ways for the sole purpose of warding off feared consequences.
Sample compulsions:
> Turning on and off a light switch exactly three times (in hopes of warding off a plane crash).
> Scrubbing your hands repeatedly (in hopes of making certain that you won't catch some horrific disease).
Trapdoor #5: Fixing
Definition: performing rituals (often relating to symmetry) for the sole purpose of making things "feel" right.
Sample compulsions:
> Arranging the items on your desk, again and again (until the arrangement "feels" just right).
> Scratching your left elbow, after inadvertently scratching your right elbow (just to "complete" the symmetry of the movements).
Trapdoor #6: Avoiding
Definition: deliberately avoiding events that might trigger anxiety.
Sample compulsions:
>Giving up driving (because running over potholes makes you obsess about having hit pedestrians).
>Waiting for other people to open doors (because touching doorknobs makes you obsess about getting sick from the germs that could be on them).
This list is hardly exhaustive, but I do think it comprises the most common sets of compulsions that we with OCD develop. Moreover, I've also come to believe that everyone--with or without OCD--occasionally finds themselves lured to these same six sets of counterproductive behaviors when consumed by their fear-based doubts (which is NOT to say that I think everyone has a touch of OCD and performs outright compulsions!). I'm fascinated by these parallels, and I explore them in my new book, WHEN IN DOUBT, MAKE BELIEF; here though, let's focus on true OCD compulsions and the traps that they present. Thoughts? Comments? Your own experiences?
And stay tuned: My next post will address the proven strategies for finding a way OUT of The Shadow of Doubt. (There's great hope for those of us with OCD!)
Postscript: Some great news about some really smart people!
By the way, I'm thrilled to report that I have enlisted the help of some of the leading OCD experts in the country--members of the International OCD Foundation Scientific Advisory Board. In coming posts, I'll be including their professional input, along with my own "school of hard knocks" perspective, on a variety of OCD topics. They have also graciously agreed to make themselves available to you in this forum. So... if you have questions about a particular topic--compulsions, this time around--we, collectively, will do our best to get you answers.
