Whether to Speak Up or Stay Quiet

In today’s American culture, where the First Amendment is touted and assertiveness admired, people feel entitled to say whatever is on their minds. As a result, social media is flooded with uninformed opinions galore, college campuses are divided by raucous rhetoric, and many personal relationships are severed by overwhelming conflict.

In addition, the cultural and political atmosphere is flooded nowadays with cruelty, disinformation, and vitriol, along with gun violence and mass shootings. The time of reasoned discourse and refinement seems to have vanished along with the departure of Polaroid cameras and dial telephones.

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What does all this "speaking up" accomplish? Sometimes a lot, sometimes not much, and at other times, it’s destructive. In working as a clinical psychologist with individuals and couples for more than 50 years, it has been apparent that "speaking up" does not always facilitate communication between people. For inhibited and nonassertive individuals, for example, speaking up is often a breakthrough and highly beneficial to them. But for others, such as garrulous, narcissistic, hysterical, chronically angry, and/or defensive people, speaking up may be manipulative rather than cathartic or personally meaningful. Sometimes, such individuals want to convey a certain impression—that is, to appear smart, clever, or sophisticated, as opposed to being authentic.

Poor Listeners

In addition, incessant talkers are usually poor listeners. They are so caught up in what they have to say that listening is difficult for them. In fact, listening to others is often a distraction from their goal of saying what’s on their mind. Like the college professor who refused to pause his lecture to answer students’ questions, nonstop talkers believe that the words of others interrupt their train of thought, making it difficult for them to continue speaking. As a result, social conversations with garrulous people are often one-sided and likely to impede the development of mutuality in friendship and romance.

People prone to defensiveness also have a hard time with two-way conversations, especially when the content feels threatening. When feeling attacked, the defensive person spends their energy on self-protection. Donning psychological armor to ward off perceived attacks, the defensive person is often unable to process at the time the comments of the other person. Therefore, continuing the discussion at the time of the conflict is likely to be unproductive and/or destructive.

Enraged people also have difficulty hearing what others are saying. One married couple got so angry when having a heated disagreement that they frequently got violent—that is, they began choking or hitting their partner. As a result of the physical abuse, they were on the verge of splitting up when they began couples therapy.

While there were no magical insights in therapy, over time they learned to stop a discussion and postpone it for another day whenever either one was enraged. In so doing, they managed to save a relationship that was otherwise mutually fulfilling.

While their response to conflict was extreme, many couples find themselves engaged in an ongoing war of words that can be almost as damaging as physical abuse. It’s not true as we used to say in our childhood taunts, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.” In fact, disparaging names and words can last for decades, thus perpetuating the initial self-esteem damage.

Calling each other names, hitting below the belt with insults, and/or otherwise attacking the partner’s or friend’s areas of vulnerability can be highly destructive to the relationship. For example, if a partner is sensitive about weight, it’s obvious that calling that person “fat” or “obese” will be painful. Similarly, if a friend is sensitive about intelligence or maturity, calling that friend “stupid” or “childish” can be quite hurtful.

When Is Staying Quiet the Wisest Option?

Whenever your friend or partner becomes verbally attacking or defensive, refusing to engage may be your wisest option. While the natural tendency is to counterattack when someone is attacking you, (e.g., “You think I’m rude, you should listen to yourself speak.”), counterattacking adds fuel to the fire. Instead, saying,” Let’s stop right now and continue this discussion at another time when it’s not as upsetting” or “I don’t want to continue talking about this. It’s going nowhere!” would be a positive attempt to calm down the situation rather than escalate it.

Similarly, in the professional realm, if a boss is unable to hear criticism and is revengeful about negative feedback, being open about one’s negative feelings can jeopardize your standing in the organization. In these situations, giving feedback anonymously or trying to achieve change by going around the boss and talking to someone else in the company (e.g., human resources) might be the best move.

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Because enraged and/or defensive people are usually deaf to the input of others, continuing the conversation may be a waste of time unless you’re empathic or clarifying. With empathy, you may be able to communicate that you understand why the person is upset, thereby introducing calm and compassion into the discussion.

In a similar vein, clarifications are useful when two people—each with a different perspective and understanding—are talking past each other. For example, when a friend says, “You always worry about everything,” you can tone down the exaggeration by clarifying: “I don’t worry about everything, just when you’re driving at night.”

The adage “Less is more” is relevant not only to architecture but to speech as well. Not saying everything you think or feel—biting your tongue at times—is less risky than impulsive outbursts and can improve relationships. Also, thinking through the ramifications of your comments is a useful skill in trying to resolve conflicts.

Incendiary speech in personal conversations and politics can be highly destructive, whereas silence is less likely to lead to disaster. Discerning when to speak up and when to stay quiet might require lots of practice, but the beneficial outcomes can be well worth the expenditure of energy. As one man who was interviewed about his happy marriage said, “Never, never have we called each other a name,” believing as his mother did, “in sugarcoating your words because you never know when you’ll have to eat them."