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A lesson that many of us have learned time and time again is that gossip can hurt. In fact, most of us have experienced this from both sides, being the gossiper and the target of gossip. Although it probably feels worse at the time to be the target of gossip, neither role comes without costs. Why is it that so many of us are drawn to gossip and what can be done to lessen the damage?
When Words Hurt
When the topic is gossip, the malicious behavior of girls in movies like Mean Girls or Heathers often comes to mind. These movies show how gossip can be used strategically, usually to increase one’s own social standing, by damaging another person’s reputation or relationships. Importantly, though, negative gossip is not limited to teenagers or to females. In fact, if we think of gossip as spreading information about others that may or may not be true in order to increase one’s own standing, then male politicians may be the worse gossips of all.
Evolutionary psychologists see a function in this behavior. Our ancestors used physical fighting to establish dominance and determine who gets resources (e.g., food, land, mates). From this perspective, as society evolved and physical aggression became frowned upon, another form of aggression was needed. In the 1990s, Dr. Nicki Crick and her colleagues coined the term “relational aggression.” Relational aggression refers to trying to hurt someone by damaging their reputation or relationships, usually by gossiping or spreading rumors, by excluding someone from social groups, or by threatening to reveal their private information to others.
Subsequent work by Crick and others (including studies conducted in my own lab) indicates that relational aggression is damaging to both the target of the aggression and to the aggressor. It is not surprising that the targets of gossip are distressed and can be at risk for developing symptoms of anxiety or depression. These effects may be especially strong because relational aggression can be ambiguous. For example, the target of gossip has no way to know for sure who has been gossiping, what exactly has been said (and how much of what was said is true), and whether the event is over or continuing to snowball. At least when someone punches you in the nose, you know who it is.
The risk of depression or anxiety among the aggressors is less well understood. Perhaps sometimes “what comes around goes around” and the aggressors also are victims or are worried about becoming victims. In other cases, guilt or regret about aggression or gossip may lead to depression or anxiety. Interestingly, though, one of my studies shows at least some relational aggressors appear to be immune to the risks of depression and anxiety – teenage girls who are “popular.” The social status of these girls probably allows them to get away with their bad behavior for a while, but the costs may catch up with them eventually.
Is Gossip Ever Not Mean?
Technically, gossip is any talk about another person. We usually think of gossip as negative slander. However, gossip can be neutral (e.g., Jack’s appointment is at 4 pm) or even positive (e.g., She is SO talented!). Moreover, developmental psychologists, including John Gottman, Jeffrey Parker, and Marion Underwood, have argued that there are important developmental functions of gossip. An important aspect of social development is learning social norms, including what is and is not accepted in the peer group. Parents cannot teach this to children because peer group norms change from one generation to the next. However, by talking about peers (i.e., gossiping), youth learn what behaviors are accepted and what behaviors are not accepted in their cohort. In fact, some adults probably also may use conversations about others to better understand social norms and boundaries (e.g., what to wear, say, or do).
In our own research, we identified two additional motivations for gossip. Perhaps ironically, the first involves positive social bonding and solidifying close relationships. Friends who gossip actually do experience increased feelings of closeness and connection in their relationship. They often experience validation as well if their friend agrees with their perspective. Moreover, in cases in which neither friend breaks the other’s confidence, greater trust develops in these relationships over time.
The final motivation is simply entertainment. Humans are odd creatures who do strange, unexpected, and amusing things. Talking about this is inherently engaging and entertaining. Notably, the entertainment factor actually enhances the social benefits. Research indicates that when people experience positive emotions together (e.g., such as amusement and laughter that may follow from particularly titillating gossip), they become closer.
Can the Damage of Gossip be Reined In?
Whether we think about gossip from an evolutionary perspective or from the more benign perspective of developmental psychologists, experts seem to agree that the urge to gossip is in our nature. This suggests that trying to stop gossip altogether is probably not going to work. We don’t need to beat ourselves up for that; however, we can take steps we can take to minimize the damage that gossip can cause.
1. Close the loop. The best damage control may involve limiting gossip to “closed loops.” A closed loop is a group of people in which there is shared trust and good intentions between each pair that makes up the group. For example, Sharon, Emily, and Rachel is a group made up of three pairs (Sharon and Emily, Sharon and Rachel, Emily and Rachel). If the two people who make up each pair trust each other, have good intentions toward each other and share the goal of not hurting anyone else, then even negative gossip should not leave this group and cause damage. For example, Sharon won’t get mad at Rachel and tell Rachel’s boyfriend that Rachel cheated on him. And Emily won’t share what she learned from the group with a fourth person who is less trustworthy. If these things happen, the closed loop becomes an open loop and gossip spills right out.
2. Check your intentions and own your behavior. When gossipers are outed, it is common for them to say that they didn’t really mean what they said and that they never wanted the target to get hurt. Based on the research reviewed regarding other motivations for gossip, this could be true. However, it also could be that the perpetrator is grasping at straws to justify the behavior. Unfortunately, there is no real way for the target to know the truth. But the perpetrator should know. Before gossiping, we should be honest with ourselves about whether our intention is really just to share something amusing with a trusted friend or whether we sort of hope that the gossip spreads and causes damage. If it is the latter, we should think hard about whether to gossip or to address the issue directly. We owe it to ourselves, and others, to be honest with ourselves about our intentions and to make conscious decisions about how to proceed.
3. Decide whether it is really worth it. At this point, you may wonder whether gossiping is worth all the hassle. And that is a good question. In some cases, the answer might be yes; for example, if getting a trusted friend’s perspective is critical for making an important decision. However, in other cases, if the information is potentially damaging and you would be sharing it primarily to entertain yourself and your friends, you may decide that it is just not worth the risk and keep the information to yourself.
Risks and Benefits
Clearly, gossiping is risky behavior and people can get hurt. Still, I don’t suggest that people give up gossip altogether, simply because I don’t think that is feasible for most people. The benefits of gossiping, including social bonding and entertainment, are reinforcing and will continue to tempt us. At the same time, I also don’t think that we should throw caution to the wind and gossip with great abandon. Instead, if we do gossip, we should consider following the strategies for “safe(r) gossip” that I describe above. If we do, we may be less likely to regret it in the morning.
