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Relationships
The Hidden Psychology That Drives "Love Is Blind"
Human instincts to project and attach virtually guarantee "love" on the show.
Posted March 5, 2024 Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
Key points
- The attachment drive that bonds couples together in “Love Is Blind” is hardwired into human psychology.
- When less information is known about a mate, fantasy thrives and feelings of certainty develop more easily.
- By restricting information about potential mates, the show encourages the fantasy of Mr./Ms. Right.
By this point, plenty of jaded viewers dismiss reality television as hollow. Yet, with all its drama, the popular reality series "Love Is Blind" reveals the core of how we love.
It’s no secret that fantasy thrives in darkness and withers in the cold light of day. Just think of the low lighting of romantic restaurants or movie theaters—or the tragic success of online dating scams.
It is this positive projection of fantasy that underpins the success of "Love Is Blind." The less that is known about a potential mate, the more blank space there is onto which fantasy can be projected.
A pressure cooker for “love”
In the show, singles are given 10 days to choose a mate, fall in love, and get engaged—all before ever seeing their intended. In this romance pressure cooker, some couples do proceed to marriage.
However, it’s the courting phase that’s so compelling for many viewers. Each season, contestants say how shocked they are to experience such depth of emotion for someone they’ve never seen.
But when we recognize how the show manipulates psychological levers of the attachment drive, projection, and even the power of voice, it’s obvious why contestants have such strong feelings.
Switching on the attachment drive
Although "Love Is Blind" contestants start out as strangers, they know marriage is on the table. Of course, this is on purpose.
By framing the dating process as leading to marriage, the show activates contestants’ innate attachment drive.
It might seem strange to mention newborn babies when discussing romance, but the drive to find a significant other is similar to a newborn’s drive to find an attachment figure. From day one of a baby’s life, forming a bond to a primary attachment figure is a matter of survival.
Likewise, when contestants’ attachment mechanism is turned “on” thanks to the "Love Is Blind" mission of finding a spouse, attaching becomes a goal. When that mission is switched on, it unleashes the intensity of a human survival drive.
The good-enough principle
At the start of "Love Is Blind," contestants meet a variety of potential mates. A romantic interpretation could be this is a soul’s search for its one match. But psychology gives us a more grounded interpretation of who’s being sought: a person who checks enough primary-attachment-figure boxes.
It’s the search for the good-enough mate.
If we found each contestant in babyhood, they would have the same basic criteria of responsive, attuned parenting (Ainsworth, 1969). As long as those are met, secure attachment can proceed.
For babies, if the biological mother is unavailable, any consistent, caring person can fill that mother figure role. Similarly, on "Love Is Blind," some contestants switch between different fiancees, expressing intense infatuation throughout. If one potential partner fails, another will do.
Although this deflates the aura of romance, it also shows the remarkable adaptability of the human attachment drive.
Positive projection is a natural part of attachment
When "Love Is Blind" participants ooh and aah over the disembodied voice of a never-seen mate, it’s clear fantasy is playing a role.
There’s nothing wrong with this. We need positive projection to attach.
Fantasy facilitates the bonding process from birth—just think of how babies are wired to expect a responsive environment when they cry, even if they’re only seconds old.
Likewise, if an adult is primed to believe they’re speaking with their future spouse, their psyche unconsciously fills in any gaps of information with an image of Mr./Ms. Right. No wonder primal emotions are released!
When a "Love Is Blind" contestant tears up at the voice of their never-seen beloved, this is not evidence Netflix facilitated a once-in-a-million match. It’s evidence that attachment opens the floodgates to feelings of deep wellness, completion, and elation—whether grounded in reality or not.
It’s evidence of the depth of emotion released in the process of human attachment.
Want intense emotion? Get archetypal
"Love Is Blind" contestants have described feeling like they were under a spell, and there’s a psychological process that explains this.
Again, it’s fantasy! Positive projection, to be exact.
Idealization is a shortcut to intense emotion. To encourage this, "Love Is Blind" carefully restricts contestants’ access to reality. Potential fantasy-ruining visual and physical contact is only allowed after the stakes have been raised by getting engaged.
This much-anticipated “reveal” consists of a choreographed love-at-first-sight scene, complete with flowers, dramatic lighting, and red carpet. Distortions of reality continue with exotic paradise vacations and the confining four-week wedding countdown.
The "Love Is Blind" recipe for archetypal levels of “love”? Fan the flames of fantasy and raise the stakes of disillusionment.
The power of voice in attachment
There’s one more dial the show cleverly manipulates to make “love” likelier—and it’s a surprise twist.
By narrowing input to voice, "Love Is Blind" harkens back to contestants’ earliest days of life, when voice was a major characteristic of an attachment figure.
In our visually saturated culture, especially when watching television, we can underestimate the importance of sound. Yet, on day one of life, before a newborn can see clearly, voice helps them recognize their caregiver. For example, I’ll never forget how my hours-old son instantly swiveled his head when I spoke to him after a brief separation. Voice pointed him toward his attachment figure.
Voice is central, and we don’t need to see someone to attach to them. In fact, if we don’t see them, any connection that forms might feel even more primal—and powerful.
Conclusion
"Love Is Blind" has hammered out the factors that encourage rapid attachment and primal emotions.
It might seem astonishing to fall in love with a fantasy, but it’s actually predictable. The real experiment is whether the contestants remain married after the show biz dust has dissolved and couples can experience each other clearly, in the light of day.
The only ones “blind” are those who don’t yet recognize the power of projection. Netflix knew the whole time.
References
Ainsworth, M. D. (1969). Attachment and exploratory behavior of one-year-olds in strange situation. Determinants of Infant Behavior, 111–136.
