Healthy Internet Use and Gaming: Strategies for Parents

I recently read Tish Harrison Warren’s (2023) interview with Krista Boan, co-founder of Screen Sanity. While I often discuss screen and device use and game and social media content with parents, this article prompted me to pull together my ideas, incorporate some of Boan’s language, and write it all down in one place.

Here are six observations, six recommendations, and one overarching bonus recommendation—a baker’s dozen ways to think about and manage your children’s screen and device time and content.

1. You are not alone; the problem is near-universal.

Technology has become “the number 1 battleground” in homes with children and adolescents, Boan argues. Almost one-half of parents report that “device use causes weekly or daily arguments” and almost three-quarters report that “screens and technology are now a distraction from family time” (Harrison Warren, 2023).

2. This is something new in the world—and it's not going away.

You are part of the first generation of parents whose children are living in their day-to-day lives with so many screens and devices and such engaging content. “There is no wisdom being handed down through ages. We are the wisdom makers,” Boan says. What's more, “nobody’s going to be able to put the genie back in the bottle. Our lives are forever going to be intertwined with this digital reality.”

3. This is hard—and not your or your child’s fault.

Device makers, social media companies, and content providers hire the "best and brightest" and spend billions every year developing and marketing their products. Their primary goal is to get more eyeballs on screens for longer and longer periods of time. Getting people metaphorically "addicted" is their business model.

4. Not all screen time is equal. Some is OK, and even positive.

Games that involve building and designing can promote creativity. Games that involve talking and working collaboratively with others can promote social interaction and social skills. Educational videos can promote learning. Think back to examples from your own childhood: "Sesame Street," "Bill Nye the Science Guy," and "NOVA."

5. It may not be so much about what they are doing; it’s about what they are not doing.

Interactions with the physical and social world—playing and talking with other children, meals with family, chores, running and jumping and catching and throwing, exploring nature, reading and writing, being bored and figuring out something to do, or simply sitting and thinking—are important to children’s healthy brain and body development and growth. More screen time means less interaction with the physical and social world. Screens are “experience blockers.”

6. Limits and training are appropriate; it’s like teaching teens to drive.

Many states have pre-licensing permit periods within which new teen drivers must have an experienced (adult) driver next to them in the passenger seat. In some states licenses for teens are restricted. In New Jersey, where I live (and where my daughter learned to drive), this means no driving between 11 p.m. and 5 a.m. and no more than one underage passenger. Well-documented results of these kinds of limits? Fewer accidents and deaths.

Devices, screens, and social media use can be approached in the same way. Parents might set limits like, "Let me monitor until we know you are skilled and experienced enough to surf the internet on your own" or "You may not use devices after this time of night."

7. Practice modeling—where they watch what you do, not what you say.

Children’s and adolescents’ brains and nervous systems are prepared by evolution to watch and listen closely and learn all these things from older and more experienced others. As parents, we are, in most cases, our children’s most important source of observational learning about when, where, for how long, and for what purposes it is healthy and adaptive to use screens and devices.

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Model healthy and adaptive (limited, thoughtful) screen and device use. More than one parent in the home? Be accountable to each other. Talk out loud around your children about what you are doing and the choices you make: “I am using my tablet to talk with grandma,” “I'm tempted to keep scrolling but I know it would be more fun to put my phone down and play with you,” “my computer is offering me more and more problematic videos—I should look at something else,” etc.

8. Monitor and supervise—by "meeting their friends," "catching their tone," or enforcing "curfew."

Perhaps, when you were growing up, your parents might have answered the family’s landline phone before handing it to you—and thus knew who you were talking with? Or perhaps they could overhear at least some of your conversation from a nearby room—and thus catch the tone? Maybe they wanted to meet your friends before you could go out with them, or enforced a curfew.

Require your children to use their devices in "public" areas—rooms where you or others are likely to be or pass through and not their bedroom or a basement corner. Check your children’s browser history or chat threads. Reassure them you are not going to read every word. You want to "catch the tone" of what is going on and want to know with whom or with what sites they are interacting.

Setting a "put down the device and go to bed" time is important. Requiring devices be stored (while being charged, if needed) at night in a common area (kitchen, hallway) where you can confirm they are not in use can help. Requiring devices be put away at least an hour before bedtime is even better (promotes family interaction and healthy sleep).

9. Be consistent and calm—and don’t back down

Consistency and not backing down and giving in means, eventually, fewer arguments. I say "eventually" because there may be increased arguments and even meltdowns at first.

Validate how hard it is to change. Praise and reinforce small successes and steps in the right direction. Build a sense of self-efficacy (“You are becoming a person who can transition off screens quickly and easily). Above all, tolerate the upset and stick to the plan.

10. Identify alternative activities—exceptions and positive opposites.

Be clear, in your own mind, about what you want your child or adolescent to be doing instead of being on screens. Playing outside? By themselves, or with friends or siblings? Physically active, shooting baskets, a bike ride, a walk in the woods? Reading? Pursuing an interest? Developing a skill? Chores and helping around the house?

Notice when these activities occur—these "exceptions" to the problem or "positive opposites"—even briefly or partially, and reinforce them with attention and praise. Build a sense of self-efficacy by remarking to your child how they are “becoming a person who is a good older sibling, is creative, is helpful and contributes to the family, etc.”

11. Do things together as a family, like meals, games, and grocery shopping.

Family dinners, without screens or text or phone interruptions, have repeatedly been demonstrated to promote family cohesion and healthy development. Playing board games as a family, playing catch or shooting baskets, or going on a walk with your child are excellent "positive opposite" activities. Going grocery shopping or running errands can be time together and also helps them learn new skills and about the adult world.

12. Take it step by step—and be willing to begin again.

Changing unhealthy habits to healthier ones is almost always a step-by-step process, and even sometimes two steps forward and one step back. Give yourself, and your child or adolescent, credit (and reinforcement) for small wins. Be willing to begin again and see this as a learning process.

13. Forgiveness is important. Give yourself and your child grace.

This is hard—to change established habits and routines, to push back against the forces trying to addict us to screens and social media, to be patient and persistent after a long work day, for your child to resist temptation after a long day at school. Forgive yourself (and your child) for setbacks. Give yourself (and your child) grace.