Own Your Mind Space

I use the term "mind space" to describe the bandwidth of conscious thoughts. Conscious thoughts about navigating the environment occupy relatively little mind space; most behavior runs on autopilot, while we think of other things. To appreciate the point, recall the last time you drove home and try to remember all your thoughts that were unrelated to driving.

The "other things" that occupy our limited mind space — more than present conditions and future considerations — are echoes of past experiences. Thoughts of experiences that did not meet our expectations are repeated far more frequently than thoughts of experiences that did. For example, rejection experiences are far outnumbered by times we weren’t rejected, yet we think of rejection more often than we think about feeling accepted.

At least thoughts of hurt and rejection can help us avoid those experiences in the future. Thoughts of ego offenses have little reward for the unpleasantness they bring.

Exercise

For the next week, keep a daily record of how much of your mind space goes to thinking about insults, overcharges, disappointments, frustrations, disloyalties, gossip, the general unfairness of the world, and your favorite team’s losses, errors, dropped passes, or missed baskets. Include the imagined dialogues of what you should have said to that rude person or how you should have answered that criticism.

Try to evaluate the volume of your thoughts for usefulness and desirability. (Useful and desirable thoughts are those that help you improve, appreciate, connect to others, or protect loved ones.)

Evictions

Slow down! Rapid thoughts build a momentum that overwhelms analysis and reality-testing. If your thoughts are cascading, write them out in longhand to slow down the speeding train.

Answer every recurring thought. For example:

• I was overcharged for that darn plumbing repair. Answer: Next time I’ll get estimates before hiring someone.
• They cheated me by…. Answer: I’ll seek legal remedy if necessary but won’t let it occupy my mind space.
• Who do they think they are, telling me what to do! Answer: I’ll respectfully do what I think is right.
• Nothing works. Answer: Everything can be repaired.
• Why should I spend my time fixing this? Answer: It takes less time to fix it than to ruminate about having to fix it.
• I should’ve made a better comeback and not let him get away with that insult. I should’ve said…. Answer: I’m glad I wasn’t pulled down to his level.
• I can’t stop thinking about the betrayal. Answer: I know I can get through this, the wound will heal, and I will trust wisely.
• She gaslit me. Answer: I can learn and know the truth.
• He stole my agency. Answer: People can disappoint and sadden me, but they cannot take my agency.

A trivial example of cleaning up your mind space is what you do when you can’t get an annoying song or jingle out of your mind. You can’t let go of it, but you can crowd it out with songs that you like. I call this crowding out process repopulating your mind space.

Repopulating

The most effective way to control conscious thoughts is repopulating your mind space with useful and desired thoughts. This can change the kind of memories we recall and soften the unconscious judgments that direct trains of useless or undesired thoughts. It helps control the flow of memories by virtue of state dependent recall, that is, we’re likely to recall experiences that occurred in mental states similar to the current mental state. Controlling conscious thoughts can transform feelings and increase the likelihood of useful and pleasant memories.

Crucial point: Focus on what you’re able to control or influence positively, now and in the future. (Most useless and undesired thoughts center on things we can’t control or influence positively.)

We live in an age where we can experience great music in our homes and have instant access to books, virtual tours of art galleries, and stunning photos of nature. Repopulating your mind space with images that inspire appreciation will make your life better.

Repopulating Examples

• I was both abused and loved as a young child. I choose to think of the love and rarely think about the abuse.
• My father was violent when he drank, which was almost every weekend. When he wasn’t drinking, he was funny and warm. I learned many years ago to replace painful memories of him with pleasant ones.
• Catholic school in the 1950s could be a bleak, hairshirt type of experience. But I also had a nun who was kind and cared about the kids she taught. Now when I think of Catholic school, I think of her.

Summary

Learn from all your memories and experiences but keep your trains of thought focused on what is beneficial to you. Don’t squander your mind space on people who don’t deserve it; enhance connections with people who do. Think about things you can control or influence positively, rather than things you can’t. In short, own your mind space.