Helping Your Child Make a Good First Impression on Adults

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Recently, my 6- and 9-year-old children, Colby and Skylar, dropped hints that I care too much about the first impressions they make on their teachers. For me, being a parent means re-experiencing back-to-school jitters, and when we visited their new classrooms last week, I tried to manage their teacher’s first impressions by fussing over the kids’ appearance and reminding them to behave. I wanted their teachers to see the same qualities I admire in them.

My children were polite and respectful during their visits, and their teachers were warm and welcoming. However, I started to re-think my approach when both children chided me for straightening the labels they haphazardly placed on their school supplies, and Skylar told me she wanted to get the day over with. As a clinical psychologist, I know how challenging it is to build relationships with children when they aren’t having fun. I wondered if I had put too much pressure on my children and taken the joy out of meeting their teachers for the first time.

Research shows that first impressions are important, and there are plenty of resources for how to make a good one, such as acting happy and being yourself. Here, I want to look at how parents impart these values, specifically parents who are overachievers and might inadvertently create a pressure-cooker environment.

When humans feel anxious, our nervous systems respond in a way that prompts us to perceive threats in the environment. We are less likely to act friendly during times of threat. For example, you might smile less, avoid eye contact, and act shy. This is because when your brain prioritizes survival, socializing is put on the back burner. Research shows that anxious behaviors may lead people you are interacting with to have less appreciation for your unique qualities.

Because children pick up on their parents’ emotional states, they tend to feel safer when their parents are in a better mood. Therefore, an important part of helping your child make a good first impression is being more relaxed about the process. However, this isn’t easy for parents who feel the weight of responsibility for teaching their children to act appropriately. Below are suggestions for keeping this demand in check and going with the flow.

1. Avoid assuming the worst.

Tell yourself not to assume the worst about the impression your child will make. Remind yourself that teachers also want to make a good first impression, and they have experience building rapport with children. Trusting that the relationship between your child and their teacher will build over time might prevent you from interfering at the sight of every little faux pas your child makes. It might also help you be open to learning more about your child by paying attention to how they interact with other adults.

2. Get excited, but don’t overdo it.

Both anxiety and excitement lead to a revving up of the nervous system. Therefore, you can transform nervous energy into excitement with positive self-talk, such as telling yourself, “We’ve got this!” or by imagining a positive outcome. You can also talk to your child about what you like about their teachers.

There are a couple of caveats to this approach, though. First, when we are excited, we also tend to be less in tune with others’ emotions and, therefore, less empathic, so we need to keep our child’s feelings in mind. And perhaps most importantly, if you act too excited, it might overwhelm your child.

In contrast, feeling relaxed is ideal for socializing, and body-calming strategies such as slow deep breathing might help. For some, it might make sense to quell anxiety with relaxation strategies and skip the getting excited part. Personally, when meeting people for the first time, I prefer trying both angles of channeling anxiety into excitement and self-soothing.

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3. Be mindful of urges to fix and correct.

Parents often tell their children to look at adults who are speaking to them or answer their questions. Sometimes, these suggestions can be helpful, but if you are too demanding, you could put your child on the defensive, which is not optimal for relationship-building.

You can mitigate the impact of the fixing urge by choosing your battles wisely and providing critical feedback in moderation. This means sometimes riding out the urge to correct them and letting things be. When you do criticize your child, be on the lookout for opportunities to provide ample praise as well.

4. Talk about feelings.

Validate your child’s anxiety and also be open about your own. Tell them that it is OK to feel nervous about a new school year and that although you feel anxious too, you are also confident that it will all work out. Share ways you manage your own anxiety, such as asking for help or telling an adult how you feel. Research suggests that people have fewer negative judgments of socially anxious individuals who talk about their anxiety.

Conclusion: Focus on the big picture.

The problem with worrying about making a good first impression is that it turns impression-making into an all-or-nothing concept with a rigid set of rules. Personally, some of the most meaningful relationships in my life didn’t start off on the strongest foot but improved over time. Remember, your child and their teacher have an entire school year to foster a positive relationship, and the closest relationships take time to build.

When it comes to children, we need to take a step back and emphasize effective relationship-building, starting with the most important relationship of all: the one you have with your child. This might mean focusing less on what is right and more on creating a comfortable experience.

A dose of optimism can go a long way towards this end. For me, this means hoping that crooked labels will be seen as a sign of creativity! Maybe this is wishful thinking, but the trust it inspires might last until at least the next school year.