“Sugar” Dating: Companionship, Mentoring, or Sex Work?

In 2006, a Massachusetts Institute of Technology graduate student launched SeekingArrangement.com to match older men (sugar daddies) with younger women (sugar babies) for “compensated dating,” a combination of paid companionship, mentoring, and sex. Now called Seeking.com, the site claims 10 million members in 139 countries, and has spawnedothers, like SugarDaddyMeet.com, SugarDaddyForMe.com, as wel as a few that cater to sugar mamas and young men, and same-gender arrangements. “Sugar” terminology emerged during the early 21stcentury, but the concept is as old as the word “mistress,” connoting a more-than-casual intimate partner other than a man’s wife.

Recently, several research teams have delved into the sugar scene. Their findings show that both sugar daddies and babies have distinct desires and needs—with everyone involved bending over backward to deny that these relationships are sugar-coated sex work.

Gray-Haired Men and College Women?

A sociologist at the University of Buffalo joined Seeking.com. To gain access to its listings of sugar daddies and babies, she created two fictitious profiles, one a daddy, the other a baby. Then she analyzed profiles on the site—108 daddies and 90 babies.

The stereotype is that daddies are wealthy married men, and, yes, they’re wealthy; they claimed an average annual income of $280,000. But only 17 percent of the daddies said they were involved in committed relationships:

• Single: 53 percent.
• Separated or divorced: 29 percent.
• Married: 15 percent.
• In an open relationship: 2 percent.
• Widowed: 1 percent.

Daddies were predominantly white, college educated, affluent, and childless. Eighty percent identified as white, and no other race or ethnicity comprised more than 4 percent of the sample. Their average age was 44, but contradicting the stereotype that sugar daddies are over 40, many were in their twenties and thirties. Three-quarters were college graduates, with a third claiming graduate degrees.

The stereotype is that sugar babies are single women under 25, who purportedly use the support they receive to finance college educations, and, yes, most were in their twenties, but only a minority were enrolled in college:

• Currently attending college: 30 percent
• Previous college classes: 66 percent
• Bachelor’s degree: 18 percent
• Graduate degree: 2 percent

Babies were predominantly white, and almost nine out of ten (89 percent) were single. Compared with daddies, babies were more racially diverse. Half (54 percent) identified as white, 19 percent mixed race, and 15 percent Hispanic. Very few said they were Black.

Researchers at Indiana University surveyed 77 sugar babies, and found a broad range of involvement with daddies:

• One or two concurrent daddies: 72 percent
• Three at once: 17 percent
• More than three: 14 percent

How often do sugar couples have sex? According to this study...:

• Once or twice: 15 percent
• Once per month: 15 percent
• Two to four times per month: 32 percent
• Two to three times per week: 22 percent
• Four or more times per week: 17 percent

Compared with women in their age group who did not engage in sugar relationships, sugar babies faced about twice the risk of sexual infections. Reflecting the fact that sugar relationships occupy a middle ground between casual hook-ups and committed relationships, the babies generally insisted that their daddies use condoms—but sometimes did not enforce that.

No Strings Attached

The Buffalo researcher found that when specifying what they were seeking, both daddies and babies typically said “no strings attached” (NSA): sex without any expectations of a future together. The other most widely used phrase was “no drama.” This applied especially to payment arrangements. On the LetsTalkSugar site, experienced babies exhorted novices to insist on pay per meeting (PPM), rather than weekly or monthly.

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Many sugar daddies expressed interest in long-term relationships; they wanted their sugar babies to act like girlfriends. But only 2 percent of sugar babies said they were interested in anything long-term.

Sugar Relationships vs. Sex Work

Both sugar daddies and babies saw sugar relationships as distinct from sex work. No profiles specified trading money for sex. Instead, the daddies spoke of providing “support,” “allowances,” “investment in your education,” or “a helping hand so you can achieve your dreams.” The babies used similar terminology.

In most sex work, there’s little conversation: The parties meet for sex and little, if anything, else. But both sugar daddies and babies said they wanted companions capable of interesting conversations. They often said they wanted “chemistry"—a sexual connection that offered more than just sex. In other words, sugar relationships appear to be the commercial equivalent of “friends with benefits” (FWB).

Most sex workers and their johns favor secrecy or at least discretion. But in the Buffalo sample, only one-third (35 percent) of daddies’ profiles and 40 percent of babies’ mentioned any desire for discretion. This suggests that most sugar participants are, as claimed, single, with no particular need to hide their sugar relationships.

Most sex worker advertising states prices, with fees reiterated during initial contact by phone, text, or email. But the experienced sugar babies on LetsTalkSugar advocated a different approach. First, they advised non-sexual meet-and-greet get-togethers for lunch, coffee, or drinks to see if babies and daddies might enjoy each other’s company. If so, the veteran babies advised charging $300 to $500 per meeting, starting on the low end and raising rates as connections developed and sugar relationships became more ongoing. Babies also valued mentoring, advice about succeeding financially, and networking, including introductions to potential employers. Most sugar daddies were happy to be mentors and provide introductions for job interviews.

Closer to Friends with Benefits Than to Sex Work

Neither sugar daddies nor babies sign up with Seeking.com just for conversation and activity partners. “Sugar” means sex. Therefore, sugar relationships might be considered sex work. On the other hand, like friends with benefits, sugar relationships involve more than just sex. When FWB relationships work, both parties place more emphasis on the friendship than on the benefits.

Sugar dating blurs the line between romance and sex work. But in the end, does it matter whether or not sugar relationships are sex work? Personally, I agree with Amnesty International, Anti-Slavery International, and the Global Alliance Against Trafficking in Women that adult sex work should be at least decriminalized and ideally legalized.

If adult, non-coerced men and women freely seek arrangements they consider personally beneficial, who am I—who is anyone—to judge them?