What Threesome Participants Think of MMF and FFM Play

In our culture, most couples demand monogamy. For many, any breach of sexual exclusivity spells disaster: “He cheated. It’s over.” Meanwhile, some people feel stifled by monogamy, but don’t want to deceive their partners. Instead, they negotiate some form of consensual non-monogamy (CNM)—swinging with their partners, or mutually disclosed liaisons with other lovers. Among CNM arrangements, threesomes loom large; couples need only one other person for two men with one woman (MMF) or two women with one man (FFM).

Recently, researchers at the University of Minnesota, Duluth, asked heterosexuals involved in threesomes what they thought of their most recent experiences. Everyone, both men and women, called them enjoyable. Most wanted to repeat them.

The Study

The investigators solicited participants using social media and 3Fun, a mobile threesome app. Respondents included 276 heterosexual adults (217 men, 59 women; average age 34) who had experienced mixed-gender threesomes and were willing to complete a 20-minute survey.

• Three-quarters were white, one-quarter non-white.
• One-third were married, with 7 percent dating, 24 percent single, and the rest “other.”
• 18 percent said they were involved in ongoing open and/or polyamorous relationships.
• Respondents in couples said they’d been with their partners for an average of seven years.
• Almost two-thirds of the threesomes involved respondents’ romantic partners.
• The survey offered only two gender choices, male and female. Nonbinary individuals were not included.

The survey listed more than a dozen sexual activities, and asked which the respondents had engaged in with each of the two others in their most recent threesomes. Participants averaged 14 erotic actions with other-gender playmates, but few, if any, with those of their own gender. This split is not surprising; the participants were all self-identified heterosexuals. But some, overwhelmingly the women, were open to same-gender play. Many studies have shown that compared with men, women are more sexually flexible.

The researchers asked if respondents’ most recent threesomes met their expectations for erotic fun and satisfaction. They offered a 5-point scale, with 1 indicating “far below my expectations,” 3 “what I expected,” and 5 “far above my expectations.” The average score was 3.74: enjoyment somewhat above expectations.

The researchers also asked if respondents were open to another threesome with the same partners. They used a 3-point scale—1 indicating no, 2 maybe, and 3 yes. The average was 2.39—maybe tilting toward yes. The women expressed a strong preference for threesomes that included their romantic partners. The men were willing to have more threesomes with any other women. Many studies have shown that compared to women, men are more open to casual sex.

Finally, during their most recent threesomes, 88 percent said they’d had orgasms, corroborating the finding that the experience was pleasurable. Orgasms overwhelmingly occurred during other-gender play—with their romantic partner or another different-gender playmate. The large majority of those who did not have orgasms were women who played with two men, neither of whom provided sufficient stimulation to allow the women to climax.

Outliers But Normal

Sexologists estimate that 3 to 5 percent of married couples have tried swinging, and that 1 to 2 percent regularly play that way. A Temple University survey of 2,270 U.S. adults showed that 4 percent reported ongoing CNM. And in a representative sample of 2,003 Canadian adults, 4 percent said they were in open relationships, and 12 percent said they wanted that type of relationship. But an Indiana University study of 2,021 adults showed that 10 percent of the women and 18 percent of the men had participated in at least one threesome.

For argument’s sake, let’s accept the conservative estimate that only 3 percent of couples try CNM. Census figures estimate 72 million American couples—64 million married, and 8 million cohabiting. If 3 percent experience CNM play, that’s 2.16 million couples or 4.32 million people, enough to support sex and swing clubs in every North American metropolitan area and many rural locales—which is what we have. If you’re skeptical, Google “sex clubs” or “swing clubs” anywhere. You might be surprised.

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Beginning non-monogamists gravitate toward threesomes—just one other person to contend with. But it’s often difficult to find single women. And in threesomes, if one member of the couple is playing with the third person, the other may feel left out. Foursome partner swapping is usually easier to arrange and emotionally preferable: Coupled women are more plentiful and there’s someone for everyone.

The next issue is mutuality of consent. Ideally, both partners should be equally into CNM. If not, couples typically try it once or twice, then the one who’s less interested says, “Never again.”

Assuming you’re both interested, ground rules are key. What exactly do you want to do? What can you tolerate your partner doing? Are you more into clubs or private get-togethers? And what if something unexpected happens? Couples happiest with CNM discuss all their what-ifs extensively beforehand.

In fact, adventurous sex accounts for only part of CNM’s allure. Equally compelling are the what-if discussions that deepen partners’ emotional intimacy. Be as specific as possible, and work to prevent freak-outs. ("I’m okay with you kissing a stranger, getting naked, and giving hand jobs and oral, but not intercourse.”) Another issue is spousal presence. Many non-monogamous couples insist on same-room play to keep an eye on each other. Others feel comfortable with separate rooms. Discuss this.

Remember, the goal of non-monogamy is to draw couples closer, not drive them apart. But despite careful preparation, when one sees the other cavorting naked with one or more strangers, freak-outs are always possible. That’s why it’s prudent to arrange a “safe word,” or discomfort signal: for example, “red light.” When one utters it, the other immediately stops everything and attends to the partner’s concerns. Abide by your safe word absolutely.

If you’re curious but nervous, consider visiting a club, where you’re free to watch others play while touching only your partner. Clubs go out of their way to make newcomers feel comfortable. Just watching is fine, and rules are clearly posted, typically: No alcohol. “No” means no. And condoms required. Most clubs provide free condoms and lubricant, and have roving monitors who enforce the rules. If watching works for both of you, you might subsequently become more adventurous. A slow, step-by-step approach usually works best, with plenty of what-if discussions along the way.