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Key points
- Children learn quickly how to pit one parent against the other in an effort to get what they want.
- By presenting a unified force to their adolescents and teenagers, parents can decrease a child's ability to "divide and conquer."
- Letting children know that when one parent sets a rule, the other parent won't be countermanding it can reduce arguing in the family.
Children can be devious. Yes, even your sweet adolescent can have a bit of larceny in them. Want proof? How many times has your child asked you for something that their other parent may have already said “no” to?
If they get a “yes” from you, they’ve accomplished their goal of “divide and conquer” and gotten their way. When you find out that they had already been told “no” by their other parent, it kind of makes you mad, right? You feel taken. As I said, devious.
While one parent giving a cookie before dinner while the other had said no doesn’t sound like a particularly major offense, it can lead to some pretty significant problems once your kids reach adolescence. By learning to “play the system,” they may become more skilled at getting around parental authority. There may be times when a child is trying to get their way and will do everything they can to circumvent their parents’ wishes and get what they want.
Teens may complain about how unreasonable their other parent is; they will beg you to intervene and let you know how wrong things are. That’s when they actually clue you in about the situation.
There may be times they don’t even tell you the other parent has set a boundary and cause you to inadvertently countermand it. The bottom line is, your sweet, honest, and intelligent child will often reach a point where they will turn on you and do whatever they feel is necessary to get their way. Whether it’s a party you don’t think they’re ready for or a punishment they feel is unfair.
That is why it is incredibly important for you and your partner to be on the same page about rules and boundaries in the household. When one parent says something, the other parent needs to uphold it and let the child know they are not going to intervene and change the parent’s decision. They need to know that you are not going to argue in front of them about the validity of the other parent’s decision. When it comes to your parenting, it’s one for all and all for one.
Ideally, each parent is going to uphold the other person’s rule even if they do find the rule unfair. That doesn’t mean parents can’t discuss things. Of course, they can. You just need to do it privately. Otherwise, the child will know they can throw things into disarray by continually arguing their point and hoping it will lead to a different answer from their other parent.
Ideally, before any major decision or action is imposed, both parents should discuss and agree on the best course of action. Unfortunately, both parents are not always available at the same time, and decisions need to be made. The important part is that parents don’t argue about these things in front of the child. They need to communicate privately and then present a united front as to what they expect to take place.
When parents argue with each other in front of the child, or worse, when one parent reverses another’s decision, children often get the idea that they can get their way by appealing to the other parent. Unfortunately, that’s when the child feels that rules and boundaries in the family are flexible, and they can appeal to their other parent until they get the answer they want. This is damaging to both the child’s sense of parental authority, as well as a potential course of conflict and stress for the parents involved.
By talking things over with your partner in private and then presenting to the child your decision, the child learns they can’t go around one parent’s back to get what they want from the other parent. This is important as it can stop a lot of needless arguing and let the child know that the parents are together in their decision-making. Even though they may complain, children tend to feel safer when they have clarity and boundaries in their lives that are consistent and clear.
In divorced households, this would also be the best way to communicate before making decisions. Many times, the rules in one parent’s home are different from rules in the other parent’s home. This can give the child the idea that they can circumvent one parent’s boundaries when they are at the other parent’s home. They may even threaten to move to the other parent’s house if they don’t get what they want.
This can be a continual source of frustration and stress for parents living apart. If they are able to still parent cooperatively, it can help the child’s stability and understanding of boundaries. This can be very important for children who might be at risk of substance abuse and other potentially dangerous activities. When children feel rules are flexible and they can get away with not being accountable for their actions, they may be more likely to take part in irresponsible behaviors.
As a rule, having consistency in child-rearing is very important. Of course, this does not apply to abusive situations. This is for parents who are both responsible and establishing reasonable rules and boundaries. Of course, parents need to make sure their children are safe above everything else.
With that said, when both parents are responsible and acting in good faith, having a united front can help them avoid many hours of anger and upset from their teenagers. Once teenagers become clear that their parents are communicating with each other and on the same page, they quickly get the message that they’re not going to be able to divide them. This goes a long way toward their acceptance of the rules and boundaries their parents have established.
