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No matter how much parents may intellectually understand that teenagers go through a phase where they start to separate from the adults in their lives in order to establish their own identities, it is still difficult. When the 10-year-old child who thought you were funny and interesting, and enjoyed spending time with you, now at 15 thinks you’re clueless and completely out of touch, it can be upsetting and infuriating.
This also often brings up feelings from your past, as you remember having the same thoughts about your own parents. Yet, you never thought your kids would feel this way about you. After all, you were fun, you were responsive and caring toward them, and you understood that they needed space to be themselves. Yet, here you are, in the same position as your parents. Your kids have decided that you know nothing and that their friends (and other adults) know way more about life than you do.
Kind of makes you want to pull your hair out, doesn’t it? The first thing to do in this situation is to relax. Recognize that this is a phase many, many teenagers go through. They’re creating their own identities and part of that process is separating themselves from you and your values. As examples of this, you may find that your teens adopt significantly different political views than you have. You may find they loudly articulate that they don’t want to follow in your footsteps. They reject much of what you’ve done and accomplished in your life and tell you how much better their views (and their friends’ views) are than yours.
This often infuriating behavior may actually be a positive step in their development. A painful one for you, but positive for them, as well as being an indication you’re doing a good job as a parent. Adolescents who rebel against their parents’ values are adolescents who are comfortable. Teenagers who feel safe enough that they are loved are the ones that have the security to challenge their parents. If they were scared of losing your love, or afraid of being abandoned in some way, they would likely be more reluctant to rock the boat.
Their willingness to argue; to be sullen; to treat you as if you couldn’t possibly have anything of value to say to them, can be an indication that they are exploring how they feel about things for themselves. They are in the process of forming their own views and perspectives in the world. Yes, they can be difficult to deal with, and you may have an urge to yell and scream at how disrespectful they are being, however, their pushing against your boundaries can be part of their healthy development.
That’s not to say there should not be limits to their behaviors. Teenagers need to have boundaries within the family so that they realize there are still rules and they need to comply with them. While still having to exist with their family members, their surliness, and the poor attitudes are something that help them maintain their sense of themselves. It is the ability to show their irritation and displeasure that gives them a sense of still being in charge of their lives. It is a sign that they have strong wills and an ability to stand up for themselves.
The bottom line is, with teenagers who are exploring their sense of self, we have to pick our battles. It may help if we can see their grumpiness and general dissatisfaction as a way for them to assert their individualism. If we can see it as their “badge of honor” so that they feel empowered to create their own identities, perhaps it will be easier for us to see their sour moods as something that can lead to positive outcomes for their future. While teens may think they know best, when it comes to the big things in their lives, parents still need to assert their authority. Whether it’s their education or keeping them safe from destructive behaviors, teens still need guidance to help them move forward successfully in their lives.
