Why Do Anxious Attachment Styles Stay in Toxic Relationships?

Most people do not know why they seem to have problems choosing a partner or why they may stay in dysfunctional, toxic, or destructive relationships. One factor that therapists can identify as having an impact is the attachment style of the individual.

Attachment style is based on attachment theory, which was developed by John Bowlby. It is based on the relationship of an infant to a primary caregiver, which creates a sense of security of a lack of security in the baby's life. This relationship shapes how the child develops and related to other people in his or her life.

Anxious Attachment Style Characteristics

The individual with an anxious attachment style constantly worries about the relationship. They worry they are not wanted by a partner, they are not good enough, or not worthy of the partner.

People with this attachment style make up about 20% of the population. They are often seen by partners and those around them as very needy of constant attention and reinforcement. They may also overcompensate in trying to hold onto a relationship as stepping away increases their anxiety and sense of need.

Often people with anxious attachment styles are hypersensitive to the partner. They may assume any attention given to someone else means that person is better than they are. These individuals may also make assumptions about their partner cheating but still remain in the relationship.

These are individuals who constantly fear the end of the relationship. This often pushes away secure attachment style people and attracts the avoidant style. The avoidant styles are uncomfortable with intimacy, but they also desperately crave the attention of another. The anxious style provides that attention, but it also pushes them away in ways that can be emotionally and mentally abusive.

Tips for Changing Perspective

It is possible to change the way you relate to others and move towards a healthy, secure attachment style. To make this change, it is important to:

• Work with a therapist familiar with attachment styles and specifically anxious attachment styles.
• Talk about issues around the relationship with others and be open to examining the need for attention and approval in an unhealthy situation.
• Learn how to set boundaries and say "no" rather than constantly trying to please someone who is unable to give the love you want.
• Give yourself the opportunity to make a change. This means spending time and energy on moving from unhealthy thought patterns and beliefs to healthy thought patterns and beliefs.
• Focus attention on yourself to heal and develop.

One of the most important aspects of changing an attachment style is to disengage from a toxic relationship. This provides the time and the opportunity to work with a therapist to understand yourself and why you choose the same type of toxic partner again and again.

It is possible to move from an unhealthy, anxious attachment to a healthy, secure attachment style. This change is often much easier than people think if they take the time to be open, honest, and willing to examine long-held beliefs about themselves and how they interact with others.

I am the author of Love Smacked: How to Stop the Cycle of Relationship Addiction and Codependency to find Everlasting Love and Wake Up Recovery for Codependents.