Growing Older and Forging Quality Relationships

Source: Photo by eberhard grossgasteiger on Unsplash

We find ourselves in an unusual social context, with the COVID-19 pandemic changing the way we connect with one another. “Social distancing” is in full force across many parts of the United States and the world, yet we require a need to retain quality relationships. With the nature of social connections on many people’s minds, we explore in this post how social circles change as we age.

A large body of literature suggests that as we age, we exert much more influence over our social lives than one might think (Luong, Charles, & Fingerman, 2011). We prune our social networks to focus on the quality rather than the quantity of our relationships. It is true that as we age we tend to have smaller social networks than younger adults (Cornell, Laumann, & Schumm, 2008). This is partially due to uncontrollable factors such as spouses, friends, and family members passing away, or the development of physical immobility, which can render us homebound and more likely to be socially isolated. However, research on relationship quality later in life suggests that we have more agency when it comes to defining our social circles than this particularly negative narrative would suggest.

According to Socioemotional Selectivity Theory, as we age, we are motivated to maximize social and emotional goals, whereas younger counterparts are motivated to gain new knowledge and achieve success (Carstensen, Isaacowitz & Charles, 1999). These different goals are associated with lifespan differences in the perception of time horizons: Simply put, as we age, we view our remaining time as more limited, and that changes our priorities.

Source: Photo by Bruno Figueiredo on Unsplash

It turns out that maintaining a limited time perspective is associated with smaller social networks, but the quality of those networks are more positive than among those who view their future as unbounded (Lang & Carstensen, 2002). Specifically, those with a limited time perspective report greater social satisfaction and less social strain.

Unfortunately, conflict can't always be avoided. How we respond to those conflicts, however, can be extremely important. A review of the literature confirms the idea that as we grow older we not only experience fewer conflicts in our relationships, but that when conflict does arise, we tend to report fewer negative emotions associated with the incidents as compared to younger adults (Luong, Charles, & Fingerman, 2011). This inattention toward negative emotions may dampen the conflict in order to preserve positive aspects of relationships.

Given the tenets of Socioemotional Selectivity Theory, as we age, we appear to hold agency with respect to the size and quality of our social networks, rather than passively experiencing inevitable social decline. In fact, through a lifetime of interacting with good and bad social partners, we actually gain what can be thought of as social expertise. That is, as we age we tend to be better at making judgments about people based on behaviors in social situations (Hess & Auman, 2001). This, in turn, allows us to engage in relationships that are more likely to impact us in positive ways, and avoid potentially negative relationships.

So where does this leave us?

Yes, as we grow older we tend to be surrounded by fewer relationships compared to our younger selves and younger adults in general. There are some uncontrollable factors that contribute to these differences. But it can also be beneficial to selectively focus on those relationships that bring the most joy. As we grow older, we should hold confidence in the idea that while our social circles may appear to be shrinking, the quality of those circles is likely increasing.