10 Steps to Getting Past Betrayal in a Relationship

When someone betrays you, that person in some way violates or breaks the trust, bond, or confidence that you had supposedly formed between each other.

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Suffering a betrayal can feel like someone took your insides, pulled them out onto the floor, shuffle-danced on top of them, and then left you alone to collect your guts and piece yourself together. It can be a great shock, as no one goes into any kind of relationship thinking, "Gee, I hope you betray me someday." But betrayal can happen, no matter how many "I'd never do that to you's" may have been exchanged beforehand.

When someone betrays you, that person in some way violates the trust, bond, or confidence that had supposedly been built between you. Betrayals can come in many forms and may or may not be deliberate or premeditated. For example, a person may have promised to be there for you during a time of need but failed to deliver. Or maybe the person cheated on you, feigned caring about you as a person while trying to use you, dropped a shared commitment with little warning, or stole your ideas, work, or material possessions. Regardless, the common denominator is that you trusted the other person and that person essentially threw that trust into the figurative toilet bowl.

A betrayal can feel like running a blender without the top on it. The spillover effect can be widespread, leaving a mess to be cleaned up and goo spewed in unexpected places, such as between the seat cushions of your heart.

Not fully processing what you're feeling now could allow the betrayal to sabotage your future relationships and, in turn, give even more power to the betrayer than he or she deserves. Therefore, take the time and effort to go through the following ten steps:

1. Acknowledge and accept that the betrayal has happened: Realize the full extent and impact of the betrayal. Discard any previous idealistic unicorn-lollipop-rainbow views that you may have had of the betrayer. The betrayal shows who the betrayer really is, and, spoiler alert, it's not pretty.
2. Grieve the losses, the loss of trust, the person you thought you knew, and the relationship: Allow yourself to experience a full range of emotions. Grief can be like gas and farts: You've got to get it all out there. Keep releasing it until you no longer have to do so. After releasing your grief, there will be relief.
3. Practice self-care and lean on your support system: Eat and sleep well. Stay physically active. Don't lock yourself in your person cave and drown your sorrows in Nutella. Others can help you process what happened, listen to you, offer observations, and keep you from running back to the betrayer just because he or she had great abs or such. Plus, your friends can serve as counter-examples to the betrayer—people whom you can actually trust. Your support system can be a combination of friends, family, mental health professionals, and that circle of stuffed animals on your bed.
4. Forgive yourself for allowing the betrayal: Don't beat yourself up. Betrayers can try to pin the blame for their behavior on you; it's an attempt to keep themselves themselves from feeling guilt. Remember, you didn't deserve the betrayal and are worthy of trusting relationships. It's easy to should all over yourself now, but by leaving yourself open, you did give the relationship a chance to grow and deepen. The fact that someone chose to take advantage of your trust says more about them than about you.
5. Stay away from the betrayer: Guess what can happen when you hang around someone who's betrayed you? Yep, history can repeat itself. Moreover, allowing the betrayer to influence your post-betrayal processing can be like inviting the defense attorney into a jury's deliberations. So keep your distance for at least while you're processing.
6. Don't cast yourself as a victim. Instead, consider how you can prevent such a betrayal from happening again: Yes, the betrayer crossed the line. But how might you have allowed him or her to even get close to that line? Recognize pre-betrayal red flags that you may have missed, and think about how you might have dealt with them sooner. Betrayals can be signs that you haven't been insistent enough in getting what you need and deserve in relationships.
7. Rebuild your capacity to trust others: View the betrayer as you would a solar eclipse: something that obscured the light, that shouldn't be viewed without protection, and that's not common. He or she doesn't represent all people and was simply someone who didn't deserve the trust that you gave. Keep your heart like the fruit and vegetable aisle in a grocery store: fresh and open to other people and possibilities.
8. Don't seek revenge: Revenge is a dish best not served at all. Hurting the betrayer ain't gonna make you feel better. The betrayer may not realize it yet, but he or she has already suffered a big loss: you and your trust.
9. Forgive the betrayer: View the betrayer for what he or she is: a very flawed human being who maybe couldn't handle the situation and didn't have the strength to do the right thing. Don't hold your heart hostage to resentment.
10. Determine where you want the betrayer in your life: Forgiving, however, doesn't mean forgetting what happened or even keeping the betrayer around. A significant betrayal may deserve a Control-X, meaning cutting that person out of your life. If you somehow think the betrayer is worth keeping around, maintain your self esteem and establish a very high bar of behavior: The betrayer should fully acknowledge what he or she did wrong, apologize, make amends, and follow your clearly laid-out ground rules for going forward.

Finally, remember that song "You Can't Hurry Love" and adapt the lyrics to the aforementioned steps: "You can't hurry past a betrayal. You just have to wait. You gotta trust, give it time." Give yourself the requisite time to process, heal, learn, and get stronger as a result. Just not too long, as you don't want to hold on to the betrayal like a too-tight fanny pack. Eventually, the betrayal (and perhaps the betrayer) should fade into where it belongs: your past.